I was really a "debbie downer" in my last post. I sure am glad I went and found my big girl panties. Geez. I apologize to all my loyal readers (all one or two of you).
I guess the theme of this post is "ask and you shall receive". I mentioned in my minor state of hysteria in my previous post that perhaps I needed a break from all this get pregnant hoopla. Well all I needed to do was go for my baseline u/s yesterday morning to receive that break. I have a cyst. Again. Did I mention like I feel as if my life is on repeat?? This cyst is much smaller this time at only 20mm. So I am hopeful that it will disappear quickly. However, in my moment of frustration at the REs office, I did not look on the screen to see if it was my right ovary or my left ovary. It doesn't matter. It looks like I am going to be one of those girls that gets a cyst after every medicated cycle. I was super upset for a few hours. I think I am entitled to at least a few hours of anger and sadness. I had to go back to work after the appointment and I had a really hard time even making eye contact with anyone. I knew that I would either cry or punch someone. And I for sure do not want to lose my job over a cyst. That would be embarassing. I am fortunate enough though to work with my very bestest friend who managed to talk me off the ledge. I told her she should be a therapist but she thought I was crazy for even suggesting the idea. Anyhow she mentioned that I need to start looking at each "cycle" as a two month process instead of a one month process. And she is correct. It looks like no matter what I do I am going to end up with a cyst after each cycle. So I just need to incorporate that idea into my daily thinking. She also mentioned that I am allowed to feel all the crazy emotions that come with bad news. I often struggle with allowing myself to grieve a cycle because I look around me and see so many other woman struggling with so much worse. I feel like I have no reason to complain. But it doesn't matter if it is failure #1 or failure #28. It is still going to sting. But I feel much better today. I am optimistic and I am counting down the days until Kara and I decide to get back on the horse. It might be next month. It might be the month after. We will just have to see. Only time will tell.
The REs office is an interesting place. The entire office is full of so much saddness. But it is also full of so much hope. The dynamics of the waiting room alone are very interesting. There is an unspoken etiquette in the office. Many different rules to follow. One of the rules ... never make eye contact with another person in the waiting room and never ever speak to another patient. And I can totally understand the reason for that unspoken rule. The saddness. I feel as if the saddness is contagious. Then you have that rare couple, usually always a lesbian couple, that is sitting in the waiting room full of excitement and hope. That couple. They just started this process. There are no reasons for them to think that things won't work out for them in the end. That couple always gives me hope. I've only been at it for four months and I already feel the saddness creeping up on me. The couples that have been at it for years. The couples that have spent thousands upons thousands of dollars without ever getting their dream. I cannot imagine the sadness those couples feel. That sadness was even more evident at my appointment yesterday. I was waiting in the u/s room for the RE to come in and do the u/s. I had been waiting for only a few minutes when I heard a woman scream in the room next to me. My heart dropped to my feet. My hands immediately got cold and started to shake uncontrollably. The screams immediately turned into sobs and I knew that the person in the next room had just received the most devestating news of her life. My guess. She lost her baby. I only guess this because I know the room next to me was an u/s room. And it was probably a miracle baby. They are all miracle babies in this office. There was a couple sitting in the waiting room when I arrived. They were the only other couple I saw in the office at the time. The couple was called in for their appointment right before me. I still do not know if they were the couple that received the bad news but I cannot get their faces out of my mind. This is why I should have never looked at them. I should have never made eye contact. I should have never broken the unspoken rule.
I thought of this couple yesterday afternoon when a woman I work with announced her pregnancy. I had known that she was pregnant but I had not officially been told the news by her. I was already in a bitter mood. You know ... bleeding ... not pregnant ... feeling like a failure. I am very happy for this woman. I know that she is really excited to have a child. I also know that she got pregnant right away. I took the time to congratulate her and then did my best to remove myself from the situation. But the conversation did not end ... the next few minutes all she did was complain about the baby taking all her energy. Excuse me? I tried to smile and giggle but inside I had the following dialogue in my head, "You are all of five minutes pregnant (she is only about six weeks). I just listened to a woman receive the most devestating news of her life today. She was probably pregnant too. Now she is not. You might not want to count your chickens before your eggs are hatched. And stop the complaining. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. And you might not want to tell the mailman or the milkman until you actually have your first ob appointment." Did I mention that I am working on my anger? I promise ... I am. Yikes. I need a punching bag.
I know that I am truly blessed. I have an amazing partner and our life together is wonderful. We have a roof over our head. We are able to put food on the table at night. I spend most of my days extremely happy. It's just that this blog is my outlet. So of course a lot of my "bad" moments end up on these pages. It is what it is. Until next time ...
Mary
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