I feel like that is ALL I do during this whole trying to get pregnant adventure. I had IUI #5 today. All went just fine. We didn't get too shabby of numbers from Captain America. We had 17 million total motile sperm. Now can one of you find your way to my egg? And the one that does find his way to my egg you need to be a good little sperm. I'm all about letting the stragglers get their moment in the spotlight but we need a really, really, really good sperm to fertilize my egg. I'm talking top of the class candidates only. As I have said in the past please ask your tour guide for a map if you get lost. They are free. They are included with the $305 I put on my credit card this morning in order to guarantee myself a hot date with a speculum and a long catheter. It was so romantic. Okay. As you can tell I don't really have a lot to say about today's IUI. So continue to cross your fingers and your eyes and your ears and your nose. We need some good luck around these parts.
Mary
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
and we are off
I'm going to keep this short because I am in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood. It is all school related.
I had my mid-cycle u/s today on cd11. I have a 20mm and a 19mm follicle this time. They are both on the same side but I forgot to look to see if it was my left side or my right side. Not important. Interesting Note: I had a 20mm and a 19mm on our last cycle too. I got my trigger shot today and I am scheduled for the IUI tomorrow morning. I will start on the progesterone a couple of days after the IUI. This is different from previous IUIs. I believe the RE wants me on the progesterone to try and minimize any risk of a m/c due to low progesterone levels. I am so not looking forward to taking the progesterone. I'm sure you can all guess the first reason I am not looking forward to the progesterone (if you need a hint ... they are not pills and they involve my lady parts). I am also not looking forward to the progesterone because it will delay the arrival of my period should this IUI be a big failure. So that means I will stay on the progesterone until I take a pregnancy test two weeks after the IUI. I will however do whatever it takes to ensure a successful pregnancy. So bring it on!!! I am trying my best to stay calm and relaxed but unfortunately outside forces are making that difficult. So to help matters I am actually going to take the entire day off of work tomorrow. Unfortunately, I think most of the day will be devoted to homework. Anyhow ... cross your fingers and your eyes and your ears and your nose for good things to happen. I am trying to kick all negativity to the ground.
Mary
I had my mid-cycle u/s today on cd11. I have a 20mm and a 19mm follicle this time. They are both on the same side but I forgot to look to see if it was my left side or my right side. Not important. Interesting Note: I had a 20mm and a 19mm on our last cycle too. I got my trigger shot today and I am scheduled for the IUI tomorrow morning. I will start on the progesterone a couple of days after the IUI. This is different from previous IUIs. I believe the RE wants me on the progesterone to try and minimize any risk of a m/c due to low progesterone levels. I am so not looking forward to taking the progesterone. I'm sure you can all guess the first reason I am not looking forward to the progesterone (if you need a hint ... they are not pills and they involve my lady parts). I am also not looking forward to the progesterone because it will delay the arrival of my period should this IUI be a big failure. So that means I will stay on the progesterone until I take a pregnancy test two weeks after the IUI. I will however do whatever it takes to ensure a successful pregnancy. So bring it on!!! I am trying my best to stay calm and relaxed but unfortunately outside forces are making that difficult. So to help matters I am actually going to take the entire day off of work tomorrow. Unfortunately, I think most of the day will be devoted to homework. Anyhow ... cross your fingers and your eyes and your ears and your nose for good things to happen. I am trying to kick all negativity to the ground.
Mary
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
cycle # 8
The emotions are running rampant this morning. My nearest and dearest friend delivered twin girls yesterday. I have been on pins and needles awaiting the birth of these two precious babies. It is all we have talked about in the months, weeks, and days leading up to their birth. I am thrilled beyond belief that her dreams have come true. My friend struggled for several years with IF and these baby girls are the result of so much struggle and pain. And today I get to meet them. And I am scared. I am scared for so many reasons. I thought today the only emotions I would be feeling would be pure joy. But they are not the only emotions. The jealousy is creeping up on me. I know it is a natural emotion to be feeling because of the circumstance. But I keep trying to shove it down to the surface. I want to be nothing but thrilled for them both. But looking at the pictures of the entire family has been difficult. The thing is ... I know my friend would understand my emotions. She has been nothing but protective of me during her pregnancy. She understands the emotions I am feeling. They are natural and there is nothing I can do but embrace the emotions and try to learn from them. I am also terrified of our friendship being different. I now have few close friends who do not have any children. Will we still have stuff to talk about? Will she change because she is now a mom? I just wish I knew the answers to these questions. But today I am going to meet these babies. I am going to hold them. I am going to kiss them. And I am going to tell them how much their mommy and daddy love them because I was a witness to that love long before the two of them arrived on this planet.
So as the title indicates ... we are now at the beginning of cycle # 8! (cue band)
My period arrived over the weekend. I was thrilled to say the least. And let me just say that my period arrived with a vengeance. I was not all that surprised. I went yesterday (on cd3) for my baseline u/s. I am thrilled to announce that all was quiet on the western front and as such we are able to cycle this month. We are going to stick with the same protocol that did get me pregnant last time. That means it is back to the clomid (50mg). I am due to go back for my mid-cycle u/s on cd11. Here's hoping to some super follicles. I am so excited to be back to trying again. But the emotions are once again running rampant (that is becoming a reoccurring theme in this blog entry). I am fluctuating between calmness and anxiety times a bazillion. It is weird. I just keep trying to take deep breaths and take it all one day at a time. The RE jokingly asked yesterday if we should set-up another "why am I not pregnant" consult so that we could scare my body into getting pregnant again. I will pass on the consult for this cycle but I might have to seriously consider it if we fail a few more times. Haha.
So that is all for now. Let's hope my emotions stay in check while on the clomid. I will update next week!
Mary
So as the title indicates ... we are now at the beginning of cycle # 8! (cue band)
My period arrived over the weekend. I was thrilled to say the least. And let me just say that my period arrived with a vengeance. I was not all that surprised. I went yesterday (on cd3) for my baseline u/s. I am thrilled to announce that all was quiet on the western front and as such we are able to cycle this month. We are going to stick with the same protocol that did get me pregnant last time. That means it is back to the clomid (50mg). I am due to go back for my mid-cycle u/s on cd11. Here's hoping to some super follicles. I am so excited to be back to trying again. But the emotions are once again running rampant (that is becoming a reoccurring theme in this blog entry). I am fluctuating between calmness and anxiety times a bazillion. It is weird. I just keep trying to take deep breaths and take it all one day at a time. The RE jokingly asked yesterday if we should set-up another "why am I not pregnant" consult so that we could scare my body into getting pregnant again. I will pass on the consult for this cycle but I might have to seriously consider it if we fail a few more times. Haha.
So that is all for now. Let's hope my emotions stay in check while on the clomid. I will update next week!
Mary
Thursday, September 15, 2011
still waiting
There is not a whole lot to report at the moment. I am STILL waiting to start my period. All the symptoms I was having last week have magically disappeared and there is no indication that my period is going to start any time soon. I'm starting to think that I might actually be giving the RE a call at the end of next week. I did not think I would have to make that call. They typically say to treat the day of your m/c as cd 1. Taking that into consideration today would be cd 35. So I guess I will just keep waiting. I have a feeling that if my period actually does show-up without any intervention it is going to do so without any warning.
In other news, I think I have made some decisions in regards to my current situation with my twin brother. I had a really great conversation with my Dad yesterday and I think I am finally at peace with what needs to be done. Kara and I are going to go the ignore route. This is hard because I feel as if I am throwing in the towel. But at the same time it has been proven that conversation does not seem to work with my brother. This means that Kara and I will not be in the same room with my brother at any given time. This could be difficult in terms of family gatherings. But to be honest there are very few family gatherings that my brother actually attends anyhow. We have also decided I am going to ignore any phone calls that I receive from my brother looking for our assistance with anything. I believe that if the feelings my brother has towards me at this moment are not truly his own feelings, then eventually he is going to realize that his sister has disappeared (along with some other family members). Perhaps that will sadden him and cause him to express his concerns to his wife. If the feelings my brother has towards me at this moment are his own feelings, then I will have to get used to life without my twin brother. It is time for me to consider my family. And because of the past disrespect shown to us by my brother my current definition of family does not include him. I will hope with every ounce of my being that my definition of family changes again someday.
Mary
In other news, I think I have made some decisions in regards to my current situation with my twin brother. I had a really great conversation with my Dad yesterday and I think I am finally at peace with what needs to be done. Kara and I are going to go the ignore route. This is hard because I feel as if I am throwing in the towel. But at the same time it has been proven that conversation does not seem to work with my brother. This means that Kara and I will not be in the same room with my brother at any given time. This could be difficult in terms of family gatherings. But to be honest there are very few family gatherings that my brother actually attends anyhow. We have also decided I am going to ignore any phone calls that I receive from my brother looking for our assistance with anything. I believe that if the feelings my brother has towards me at this moment are not truly his own feelings, then eventually he is going to realize that his sister has disappeared (along with some other family members). Perhaps that will sadden him and cause him to express his concerns to his wife. If the feelings my brother has towards me at this moment are his own feelings, then I will have to get used to life without my twin brother. It is time for me to consider my family. And because of the past disrespect shown to us by my brother my current definition of family does not include him. I will hope with every ounce of my being that my definition of family changes again someday.
Mary
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
okay. i believe.
I am now an official believer in acupuncture. I had my weekly appointment today. I always get a lower backache a few days before my period is going to start. I mentioned a couple of days ago in my blog that I have had a never ending backache for several days. Of course I immediately mentioned it when I got to acupuncture this morning. My acupuncturist casually replied, "Interesting. Okay. We will fix that." and went on with reviewing the other events of the past week. I typically only have needle work done on my front side but today we started with needle work on my back side because of the lower backache. I could definitely feel a difference in the sensation with the needles that she placed on the left side of my back. This is the side of my backache. I did my normal rest and relaxation and then the acupuncturist came back to remove the needles. We then continued with the needle work on my front side (Hello? Period? Are you out there? It's me, Mary. You can come back anytime now.). When I was checking out after my appointment the acupuncturist asked if I noticed a difference in my back. And I did. It actually felt slightly better. Well slap me upside the head because within 30 minutes of leaving that appointment my backache was completely gone. I am flabbergasted. And now officially a believer in the power of acupuncture!
Mary
Mary
Monday, September 5, 2011
it's my blog and i'll whine if i want to
So it's been awhile. And unfortunately I am still waiting around for my period to show up. It is frustrating to have zero idea as to when I can expect it to arrive. I guess I was spoiled for always having a super regular cycle. I could almost always predict, to the hour, as to when my period would show-up. Not so much at the moment. I'm also not having any of the normal symptoms that would give me an indication as to when my period should show-up. So that makes it even more frustrating. I typically get a lower backache a few days before my period is to start. The backache usually only lasts a day. Not this time. I have had a lower backache since this past Friday. But no period. I really just think my hormones are still all over the place. I'm just so ready to get this show back on the road.
The past few weeks have actually been really good. Shocker! The last few days have been an exception but I will address that in a bit. I have been really focused on enjoying life. It has helped that our weather has been really beautiful. I have been doing my best to focus only on getting myself in the best physical and mental state as possible. I continue to go to acupuncture on a weekly basis. And I look forward to my appointment each week. It is an hour completely focused on improving my overall well-being. And I think it has helped me tremendously. I do not have any negative opinions on acupuncture as a whole and I would recommend my acupuncturist to any one without hesitation. She is super friendly and it is obvious how much she believes in the power of acupuncture. And I'm starting to believe too. Even if it is really only providing some sort of placebo impact at the moment. That is fine with me. Kara and I have also been really focused on eating as healthy as possible and we have been walking every single night. There have even been a few days where I have gone on two walks in a single day. I am proud of us. This means we have been walking between 2 miles and 4 miles a day. I've also managed to not lose any more weight. This is a good thing in my case. I always lose weight when I am stressed and we all know that is not the way a person should lose weight. My weight has been hovering around 110lbs and I do not want it to drop any lower. My ideal weight at the moment would be around 115lbs. I just know I need some meat on my bones! So all in all things have been going as good as can be expected. Though I do feel the nervousness starting to creep up on me as we get closer and closer to cycling once again.
So now for the not so good ... I've debated several times over the past few days as to whether or not I wanted to talk about this "issue" in my blog. I try to limit my blog to only those events related to our trying to conceive journey. However, as the blog title indicates, this is my blog! And to be honest there is no other place where I can communicate my feelings at the moment. So. To the few family members that read my blog. You might want to stop reading at this point.
I do not have a good relationship with my twin brother. Our relationship deteriorated when we became adults. We started to put some distance between us. This is understandable as we were both trying to find our place in the world. But then the distance grew even more after my twin brother found out I was gay. It really did not bother me in the beginning. I mean it took me half my life to understand my sexuality. I never expected any one in my family to be comfortable with it over night. I have also been clear from the beginning that I do not expect any one to agree with how I live my life. I only want people to treat me with respect. I will give the same respect in return. I gave all of my family members time to deal with the revelation. However, my other family members, unlike my brother, kept open lines of communication with me regarding their questions and concerns. So over time my sexuality became a nonexistent issue. They have treated Kara with only love and respect since she came into my life. And we must remember that Kara has been in my life for almost six years. My twin brother is a different story. Please remember that the following thoughts are my own. I have reached out on numerous occasions and asked us to have an open dialogue regarding his concerns. On the last occasion I tried to reach out I was told to never bring up my sexuality again. My twin brother has the "perfect family" and unfortunately "a gay" sister ruins that picture perfect family. You know? The family with the white picket fence. The perfect little boy. The two professionals who make a lot of money. The good Christians. Yep. The gayness ruins it all. I also think that my bother irrationally blames Kara for "turning me gay". That just means that all those other girls in the past. Yeah. Those must have just been a phase. Anyhow .... My twin brother shows zero respect to Kara. They have only conversed on a few occasions. And typically that is my brother asking Kara to help him do something. You see ... when my brother needs help with something ... that's when Kara and I exist in his world. Otherwise. The only other words ever exchanged between my brother and Kara was a "good-bye" that came a few months ago. And part of me thinks that was a mistake. Needless to say Kara is basically a wallflower whenever we are at a family event. Kara is never invited to any events hosted by my brother. Not only is she never invited but if an invitation has been sent announcing an event I always get a follow-up e-mail from my brother that makes certain I understand that Kara is not invited. Thanks. Because you know us lesbians are idiots. Well ... my nephew is celebrating his first birthday next week. My nephew is the love of my life. I make an effort to see him every week when he is at my parent's house. My world would crumble without him in it. Of course all these feelings with my brother have risen to the surface because I received a birthday invitation (only addressed to me) and a subsequent e-mail from my brother to clarify that Kara was not invited to the party. This nonsense has gone on long enough. And I'm at a point in my life where I have to make some tough decisions. And I am stuck in the middle. I have my nephew on one side. I have my parents (and other family members) on one side. And I have the love of my life on another side. I am selfish in the fact that I want them all to be a part of my life. I believe I am finally ready to let my brother go. Even typing that is difficult. But I am terrified of the consequences. I cannot imagine my life without my nephew. I'm not even sure that I could survive a life without him at the moment. But I also made a promise to Kara. I love her with all my heart. And I need to take a stand for the disrespect being shown to her at the moment. I also refuse to subject my children to the bigotry being show by my twin brother. The entire situation makes me sad. The entire situation makes me confused. I do not know what to do. And it is tearing apart my heart at the moment.
Mary
The past few weeks have actually been really good. Shocker! The last few days have been an exception but I will address that in a bit. I have been really focused on enjoying life. It has helped that our weather has been really beautiful. I have been doing my best to focus only on getting myself in the best physical and mental state as possible. I continue to go to acupuncture on a weekly basis. And I look forward to my appointment each week. It is an hour completely focused on improving my overall well-being. And I think it has helped me tremendously. I do not have any negative opinions on acupuncture as a whole and I would recommend my acupuncturist to any one without hesitation. She is super friendly and it is obvious how much she believes in the power of acupuncture. And I'm starting to believe too. Even if it is really only providing some sort of placebo impact at the moment. That is fine with me. Kara and I have also been really focused on eating as healthy as possible and we have been walking every single night. There have even been a few days where I have gone on two walks in a single day. I am proud of us. This means we have been walking between 2 miles and 4 miles a day. I've also managed to not lose any more weight. This is a good thing in my case. I always lose weight when I am stressed and we all know that is not the way a person should lose weight. My weight has been hovering around 110lbs and I do not want it to drop any lower. My ideal weight at the moment would be around 115lbs. I just know I need some meat on my bones! So all in all things have been going as good as can be expected. Though I do feel the nervousness starting to creep up on me as we get closer and closer to cycling once again.
So now for the not so good ... I've debated several times over the past few days as to whether or not I wanted to talk about this "issue" in my blog. I try to limit my blog to only those events related to our trying to conceive journey. However, as the blog title indicates, this is my blog! And to be honest there is no other place where I can communicate my feelings at the moment. So. To the few family members that read my blog. You might want to stop reading at this point.
I do not have a good relationship with my twin brother. Our relationship deteriorated when we became adults. We started to put some distance between us. This is understandable as we were both trying to find our place in the world. But then the distance grew even more after my twin brother found out I was gay. It really did not bother me in the beginning. I mean it took me half my life to understand my sexuality. I never expected any one in my family to be comfortable with it over night. I have also been clear from the beginning that I do not expect any one to agree with how I live my life. I only want people to treat me with respect. I will give the same respect in return. I gave all of my family members time to deal with the revelation. However, my other family members, unlike my brother, kept open lines of communication with me regarding their questions and concerns. So over time my sexuality became a nonexistent issue. They have treated Kara with only love and respect since she came into my life. And we must remember that Kara has been in my life for almost six years. My twin brother is a different story. Please remember that the following thoughts are my own. I have reached out on numerous occasions and asked us to have an open dialogue regarding his concerns. On the last occasion I tried to reach out I was told to never bring up my sexuality again. My twin brother has the "perfect family" and unfortunately "a gay" sister ruins that picture perfect family. You know? The family with the white picket fence. The perfect little boy. The two professionals who make a lot of money. The good Christians. Yep. The gayness ruins it all. I also think that my bother irrationally blames Kara for "turning me gay". That just means that all those other girls in the past. Yeah. Those must have just been a phase. Anyhow .... My twin brother shows zero respect to Kara. They have only conversed on a few occasions. And typically that is my brother asking Kara to help him do something. You see ... when my brother needs help with something ... that's when Kara and I exist in his world. Otherwise. The only other words ever exchanged between my brother and Kara was a "good-bye" that came a few months ago. And part of me thinks that was a mistake. Needless to say Kara is basically a wallflower whenever we are at a family event. Kara is never invited to any events hosted by my brother. Not only is she never invited but if an invitation has been sent announcing an event I always get a follow-up e-mail from my brother that makes certain I understand that Kara is not invited. Thanks. Because you know us lesbians are idiots. Well ... my nephew is celebrating his first birthday next week. My nephew is the love of my life. I make an effort to see him every week when he is at my parent's house. My world would crumble without him in it. Of course all these feelings with my brother have risen to the surface because I received a birthday invitation (only addressed to me) and a subsequent e-mail from my brother to clarify that Kara was not invited to the party. This nonsense has gone on long enough. And I'm at a point in my life where I have to make some tough decisions. And I am stuck in the middle. I have my nephew on one side. I have my parents (and other family members) on one side. And I have the love of my life on another side. I am selfish in the fact that I want them all to be a part of my life. I believe I am finally ready to let my brother go. Even typing that is difficult. But I am terrified of the consequences. I cannot imagine my life without my nephew. I'm not even sure that I could survive a life without him at the moment. But I also made a promise to Kara. I love her with all my heart. And I need to take a stand for the disrespect being shown to her at the moment. I also refuse to subject my children to the bigotry being show by my twin brother. The entire situation makes me sad. The entire situation makes me confused. I do not know what to do. And it is tearing apart my heart at the moment.
Mary
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