I had my baseline ultrasound this morning (on cd 3) and I am happy (okay I am actually more like super duper thrilled) to announce that I am cyst free!!! The RE that did my ultrasound this morning made me very nervous when she first walked into the room because she "cheerfully" announced that she was having very bad luck with all her baseline ultrasound appointments today. I just gave her the side eye and told her that bad luck was banned from this particular exam room. I guess it worked!! I am sure she is glad it work too because I might have given her a swift kick to the face if she would have mentioned the word cyst in relation to my ovaries! I'm only kidding.
The office was super busy this morning. Okay. It was actually crazy busy. I'm glad I know what I am doing at this point because today if you were unsure of any policy or procedure you might have actually gotten run down in the hallway. I usually do all my follow-up with the nurse after my appointment but she was busy talking to another patient. I was patiently waiting my turn but the RE decided that she could handle all the follow-up information herself and promptly jotted down all the information on a post-it note. This made me a bit nervous. It also made me chuckle. I thought to myself as I was leaving the office that there was no way in hell that any of that information was going to make it into my chart. I was already assuming that I was going to have to make a follow-up call to the office tomorrow. However, I got a call (only two hours later) from the pharmacy that fills the hcg trigger shot for me. So, I guess I was wrong ... at least some of the information made it into my chart. The true test will be to see if they actually recorded my next appointment in the computer. The RE scheduled my next appointment (on a post-it note) by letting me pick any random time that I wanted to come back to the office. Um?? How do you know that time is available?? Whatever! It was funny.
The process is basically staying the same this month. I am however only taking 25mg of Clomid this time around from cd 3 - cd 7. This is going to reduce the chance of me having so many mature follicles come ovulation time. I am just hoping it doesn't reduce the number to zero though. That would be bad. It will also reduce the chance of one of those follicles failing to release an egg and turning into a cyst and forcing me to sit out another cycle next month. I will go back for my next monitoring appointment on cd 11. I am crossing my fingers (and toes and eyes) that all continues to go well this month.
Mary
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
good-bye March and hello April
In March 2011 ... I was forced to take a TTC break. I turned 30. I lost my Nana (grandmother).
Needless to say I was ready to say good-bye to March 2011.
I'm not sure where this post is going but I feel as if I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head.
I watched my grandmother die on March 25, 2011 at 1:24pm.
My grandmother was an extraordinary woman. There are no words that can properly memorialize her life.
The night before my grandmother died I was blessed to have been able to spend the night with my mother as we kept vigil next to my grandmother. We spent the entire night, in between a few cat naps, telling stories about my life experiences with my grandmother. It did not take long during that night before I realized that many of my memories from my childhood revolve around my Nana and Papa. They taught me how to play poker. We always gambled when we played poker. We would steal the pennies from the "Holland America" cruise line tin that was stored in the bottom drawer of the green cabinet in the living room. I knew what a "three of a kind" was before I knew my multiplication tables. My favorite meal that my grandmother would cook me was Stouffer's frozen macaroni and cheese with canned salmon. I was a weird child. We would have root beer floats for dessert. I only ever ate pork chops at my grandparent's house. My grandparent's loved Graeter's ice cream. Needless to say my grandfather was thrilled when I got a job at Graeter's in college. We would spend Christmas in Port Charlotte, FL. I got to plant a pineapple plant in Florida. I named the pineapple plant "pine-dog". We would go out to the orange tree in the morning and pick our oranges for the orange juice my grandmother would make for breakfast. We would spend our days swimming at Pauline and Richard's house. My grandmother would scratch my back when I was stressed or upset. My grandmother refused to say "good-bye" it was instead "see you soon". My grandmother always said "I love you". There are so many memories. There are too many memories to write on these pages.
My grandmother suffered for many years. But my grandmother also fought hard. She was confined to a wheelchair for over ten years. Her dignity stripped away. But the smile never left her face. She refused to give up the fight. Even in the end. My grandmother fought for almost two weeks. This was two weeks of essentially no food or water. She fought until the very end. The moment that my grandmother took her last breath will be a moment that I will never forget. I may have lost my grandmother. But I gained an angel in heaven. I truly believe that.
I only hope that my children are blessed to have the same sort of relationship with their grandmothers.
It is now April. We will begin cycle #3 this coming week. I am ready. I must believe.
Mary
Needless to say I was ready to say good-bye to March 2011.
I'm not sure where this post is going but I feel as if I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head.
I watched my grandmother die on March 25, 2011 at 1:24pm.
My grandmother was an extraordinary woman. There are no words that can properly memorialize her life.
The night before my grandmother died I was blessed to have been able to spend the night with my mother as we kept vigil next to my grandmother. We spent the entire night, in between a few cat naps, telling stories about my life experiences with my grandmother. It did not take long during that night before I realized that many of my memories from my childhood revolve around my Nana and Papa. They taught me how to play poker. We always gambled when we played poker. We would steal the pennies from the "Holland America" cruise line tin that was stored in the bottom drawer of the green cabinet in the living room. I knew what a "three of a kind" was before I knew my multiplication tables. My favorite meal that my grandmother would cook me was Stouffer's frozen macaroni and cheese with canned salmon. I was a weird child. We would have root beer floats for dessert. I only ever ate pork chops at my grandparent's house. My grandparent's loved Graeter's ice cream. Needless to say my grandfather was thrilled when I got a job at Graeter's in college. We would spend Christmas in Port Charlotte, FL. I got to plant a pineapple plant in Florida. I named the pineapple plant "pine-dog". We would go out to the orange tree in the morning and pick our oranges for the orange juice my grandmother would make for breakfast. We would spend our days swimming at Pauline and Richard's house. My grandmother would scratch my back when I was stressed or upset. My grandmother refused to say "good-bye" it was instead "see you soon". My grandmother always said "I love you". There are so many memories. There are too many memories to write on these pages.
My grandmother suffered for many years. But my grandmother also fought hard. She was confined to a wheelchair for over ten years. Her dignity stripped away. But the smile never left her face. She refused to give up the fight. Even in the end. My grandmother fought for almost two weeks. This was two weeks of essentially no food or water. She fought until the very end. The moment that my grandmother took her last breath will be a moment that I will never forget. I may have lost my grandmother. But I gained an angel in heaven. I truly believe that.
I only hope that my children are blessed to have the same sort of relationship with their grandmothers.
It is now April. We will begin cycle #3 this coming week. I am ready. I must believe.
Mary
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
cycle # 2
It looks like cycle # 2 is already a bust and I am only on cd 2!
I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning and I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. I guess it is a parting gift from my last cycle. Geez. Thanks. The cyst is measuring 28mm. So ... I have to sit out this month and hope that the cyst disappears on its own. I will go back for another baseline ultrasound at the beginning of my next cycle. It is not uncommon for ovarian cysts to develop when you take an ovarian stimulation medicine such as clomid. I think (and remember I'm not a doctor) that a cyst is basically a fluid filled sac. The cyst develops because (1) the follicle that housed the egg actually seals itself off after releasing the egg or (2) the follicle failed to release an egg and it simply continues to grow. I believe either way the follicle essentially fails to dissolve itself.
There is one thing I am for certain ... this entire process is a test of patience. And I never have patience. So maybe this entire process will be good for me in the long run. I am going to spend the rest of this month just living my life. I think it might actually be good to take a few weeks off from this whole "thinking about getting pregnant 24 hours a day 7 days a week" mentality.
And the best part ... I will be able to drink on my birthday! You do have to look at the little things in life.
So ... until next month ... I bid you farewell.
Mary
I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning and I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. I guess it is a parting gift from my last cycle. Geez. Thanks. The cyst is measuring 28mm. So ... I have to sit out this month and hope that the cyst disappears on its own. I will go back for another baseline ultrasound at the beginning of my next cycle. It is not uncommon for ovarian cysts to develop when you take an ovarian stimulation medicine such as clomid. I think (and remember I'm not a doctor) that a cyst is basically a fluid filled sac. The cyst develops because (1) the follicle that housed the egg actually seals itself off after releasing the egg or (2) the follicle failed to release an egg and it simply continues to grow. I believe either way the follicle essentially fails to dissolve itself.
There is one thing I am for certain ... this entire process is a test of patience. And I never have patience. So maybe this entire process will be good for me in the long run. I am going to spend the rest of this month just living my life. I think it might actually be good to take a few weeks off from this whole "thinking about getting pregnant 24 hours a day 7 days a week" mentality.
And the best part ... I will be able to drink on my birthday! You do have to look at the little things in life.
So ... until next month ... I bid you farewell.
Mary
Saturday, March 5, 2011
no such luck
I was hoping we would be one of the lucky ones and get pregnant the first time around. No such luck.
I started testing out my trigger shot 5dpiui. I finally got a negative test on 9dpiui. I have continued to test and never got another positive test. I am 12dpiui today. I tested again both this morning and this afternoon and there is not even a hint of a second line (not even when I stand on my head and hold the test an an angle). I am now just waiting to start my period.
My emotions have been all over the place. I was really optimistic this cycle. And getting a negative test day after day has really gotten me down. I now know why everyone tells you not to test. It is bad news. I've managed to keep my emotions in check through this whole entire process ... until today. I finally allowed myself to have an all out "ugly" cry this afternoon in the shower. I think it helped. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I know that it takes the average couple up to a year to conceive. And I know I am being somewhat selfish in hoping that I am able to get pregnant rather quickly. But this process is so much more invasive then what the typical couple goes through to try and conceive. I have a wonderful partner but I often feel very alone in this process. I understand that when I conceive our child it will be in a sterile examination room. I will probably be alone. And I will probably be uncomfortable. Do you know how hard it is to relax when you are spread eagle on an exam table covered only by a thin sheet of paper? You should try it once! I spend each day of the month worried about what my body is doing. I try to interpret every twinge. Is it a good twinge? Or a bad twinge? I worry that eating the wrong foods or letting myself get too stressed will impact my body in a negative manner. I convince myself that I am pregnant and then five minutes later I get super bummed because I have convinced myself that I'm not pregnant. The entire process is just emotionally draining. And I am scared that it has only just begun. I have several concerns because we went "all out" on this first cycle to up our chances of success. And yet we failed. It is hard not to think in the back of my mind that there will be bigger problems up the road.
It doesn't help that I will be 30 in just a few short weeks. I am really struggling with this as well. I can no longer be pregnant when I am in my 20's. Where has my life gone? I swear I was a teenager only yesterday. The house where I grew-up was located on a busy street. I remember staring out of my bedroom window on many nights just staring out into the darkness and watching the cars drive down the street. I use to wonder "who" I would be as an adult. I wondered if I would ever get a job. I wondered if I would ever have a house. I wondered about the person that I would wake up next to each morning. I wondered about where I would live. But most of all I wondered about my children. Now I am suddenly an adult and I often wish I could go back to the moment in time. It is ironic that as a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. And now I often want nothing more than to be a teenager.
So what is there to do? Nothing. I move on to the next cycle. I allow myself to cry some tears and then I move on with high expectations. I must believe that next month we will be successful. Who knows?
I will leave you all with a quote that a very good friend shared with me the other day. It has stuck with me.
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have."
Mary
I started testing out my trigger shot 5dpiui. I finally got a negative test on 9dpiui. I have continued to test and never got another positive test. I am 12dpiui today. I tested again both this morning and this afternoon and there is not even a hint of a second line (not even when I stand on my head and hold the test an an angle). I am now just waiting to start my period.
My emotions have been all over the place. I was really optimistic this cycle. And getting a negative test day after day has really gotten me down. I now know why everyone tells you not to test. It is bad news. I've managed to keep my emotions in check through this whole entire process ... until today. I finally allowed myself to have an all out "ugly" cry this afternoon in the shower. I think it helped. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I know that it takes the average couple up to a year to conceive. And I know I am being somewhat selfish in hoping that I am able to get pregnant rather quickly. But this process is so much more invasive then what the typical couple goes through to try and conceive. I have a wonderful partner but I often feel very alone in this process. I understand that when I conceive our child it will be in a sterile examination room. I will probably be alone. And I will probably be uncomfortable. Do you know how hard it is to relax when you are spread eagle on an exam table covered only by a thin sheet of paper? You should try it once! I spend each day of the month worried about what my body is doing. I try to interpret every twinge. Is it a good twinge? Or a bad twinge? I worry that eating the wrong foods or letting myself get too stressed will impact my body in a negative manner. I convince myself that I am pregnant and then five minutes later I get super bummed because I have convinced myself that I'm not pregnant. The entire process is just emotionally draining. And I am scared that it has only just begun. I have several concerns because we went "all out" on this first cycle to up our chances of success. And yet we failed. It is hard not to think in the back of my mind that there will be bigger problems up the road.
It doesn't help that I will be 30 in just a few short weeks. I am really struggling with this as well. I can no longer be pregnant when I am in my 20's. Where has my life gone? I swear I was a teenager only yesterday. The house where I grew-up was located on a busy street. I remember staring out of my bedroom window on many nights just staring out into the darkness and watching the cars drive down the street. I use to wonder "who" I would be as an adult. I wondered if I would ever get a job. I wondered if I would ever have a house. I wondered about the person that I would wake up next to each morning. I wondered about where I would live. But most of all I wondered about my children. Now I am suddenly an adult and I often wish I could go back to the moment in time. It is ironic that as a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. And now I often want nothing more than to be a teenager.
So what is there to do? Nothing. I move on to the next cycle. I allow myself to cry some tears and then I move on with high expectations. I must believe that next month we will be successful. Who knows?
I will leave you all with a quote that a very good friend shared with me the other day. It has stuck with me.
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have."
Mary
Friday, February 25, 2011
waiting is the hardest part
Okay. I admit it. This waiting is driving me crazy! I thought for sure that I could get through these next couple of weeks without a care in the world. I mean ... what is done is done. It is out of my control. But instead I have been feeling every twinge in my body and trying to determine if a given twinge at any moment is a good thing or a bad thing. I just want to know already!! I have a really good friend who struggled to get pregnant for over two years. I always knew that she was a super strong woman simply for the fact that she had to go above and beyond to just get pregnant. She is now, without a doubt, the strongest woman I have ever met. Kudos!
The hcg trigger shot has not come without any side effects. It never even crossed my mind that I would experience any side effects from the shot. But unfortunately I have experienced quite a bit of nausea over the last few days. I even lost my breakfast on Tuesday morning. That was fun. It is one thing to be nauseous because I am pregnant but it is another thing to be nauseous simply because of the hormones that have been injected into my body. Not fair. Thankfully, the trigger shot should be totally out of my system in the next few days. I have also had quite a bit of abdominal discomfort (not really pain). I think (and remember I am not a doctor) that this is a result of ovulating multiple eggs. The follicle that holds the egg is actually a fluid filled sac. After an egg is released from the follicle the fluid has to go somewhere ... right?. A woman typically only ovulates one egg at a time so it is not common to feel any discomfort. I believe because I released at least four eggs the amount of fluids released from the follicles has caused me some discomfort. The fluid eventually gets reabsorbed by my body and the pain subsides. I had the most discomfort on Tuesday (1dpiui) and Wednesday (2dpiui). This would make sense. The pain has all but disappeared now.
I have also made the decision to test out my trigger shot. I swore up and down that I would not POAS until at least 14dpiui. I lied. I just need to be doing something and this gives me something to do. I know ... I am lame. So I bought some cheap tests on the Internet and I plan to keep myself busy by taking a test each day until I get a negative. Then I will know for sure that the trigger shot has left my body. The I will keep up the marathon until I get another positive :) or until I start my period :(. I am going to hope for the positive!
Mary
The hcg trigger shot has not come without any side effects. It never even crossed my mind that I would experience any side effects from the shot. But unfortunately I have experienced quite a bit of nausea over the last few days. I even lost my breakfast on Tuesday morning. That was fun. It is one thing to be nauseous because I am pregnant but it is another thing to be nauseous simply because of the hormones that have been injected into my body. Not fair. Thankfully, the trigger shot should be totally out of my system in the next few days. I have also had quite a bit of abdominal discomfort (not really pain). I think (and remember I am not a doctor) that this is a result of ovulating multiple eggs. The follicle that holds the egg is actually a fluid filled sac. After an egg is released from the follicle the fluid has to go somewhere ... right?. A woman typically only ovulates one egg at a time so it is not common to feel any discomfort. I believe because I released at least four eggs the amount of fluids released from the follicles has caused me some discomfort. The fluid eventually gets reabsorbed by my body and the pain subsides. I had the most discomfort on Tuesday (1dpiui) and Wednesday (2dpiui). This would make sense. The pain has all but disappeared now.
I have also made the decision to test out my trigger shot. I swore up and down that I would not POAS until at least 14dpiui. I lied. I just need to be doing something and this gives me something to do. I know ... I am lame. So I bought some cheap tests on the Internet and I plan to keep myself busy by taking a test each day until I get a negative. Then I will know for sure that the trigger shot has left my body. The I will keep up the marathon until I get another positive :) or until I start my period :(. I am going to hope for the positive!
Mary
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