recovery

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.  I’ve cycled through a lot of emotions.  The immediate recovery period was fairly straightforward.  The recovery from the actual surgery was fairly straightforward and outside of some minor annoyances I have zero room to complain.  Of course I grew tired of not being able to “truly” wash my hair.  I got tired of not being able to sleep in a comfortable position.  I got tired of taking medications.  I got tired of an itchy ear.  I got tired of not being able to pick up the boys.  I got tired of the lasting “sluggish” effects from the anesthesia.  I also had some side effects from the antibiotics and steroids which have actually proven to be more an annoyance than anything related to the healing of my ear.  But in the grand scheme of things all of these are annoyances are really no big deal.  To be honest my recovery has been more of an emotional recovery than a physical recovery.  I keep trying to describe my emotions to the people around me and to be honest I don’t think a single person has grasped my experiences the last couple of weeks.  And that’s okay.  We all have our own personal experiences that are truly unique to only ourselves.  I’m okay with that.  But I long to have someone to talk to about this new world because I have definitely found myself in a completely new world.  I am trying to enjoy each “hearing” moment but then I find myself panicking and pushing the experience aside for fear that in a single moment my new sounds will disappear.  I’m not sure why I’m so terrified of something going wrong.  But it’s probably because I got so close to not being able to function in a hearing world that I have an idea of how tough life would be should my hearing disappear altogether.  I also went for a long time, possibly years, without being able to adequately hear the sounds around me.  So in a nutshell I’m a bit terrified of the future.  I’m also excited.  I am perhaps a bit impatient to see if there is a possibility of fixing my other ear.  This taste of the new world has filled me with a bit of greed and I find myself wondering what possibilities exist in a world where I can hear without any problems.  But then I also find myself dreading the idea of doing this all again.  I simply long for an outcome.  It’s also an outcome that cannot be guaranteed.  I know that just because the surgery seems to have greatly improved my hearing in my left ear it does not mean that surgery would have the same outcome with my right ear.  So where does this all leave me at the moment?  I am taking it day by day and trying to get back to my “normal” life.  I went for my follow-up appointment with the surgeon and all appears just fine in the healing process.  They did a quick hearing test and while the audiologist would not provide me with specific results I managed to get her to say, “things look much better”.  But then again I could have told you that too.  I know I can hear.  I actually know that I can hear much better.  I just refuse to announce it to the entire world.  I will go back to the audiologist in a few months for another hearing test.  The world around me is simply amazing at the moment.  And I am extremely grateful.  I am grateful to the amazing surgeon who took on the task of fixing my ear.  To be honest I’m not sure I could ever appropriately communicate my gratitude.  And then I am grateful for so many special moments I have experienced over the last couple of weeks.  I was putting the boys to bed last night and it was our normal cuddle time after baths.  The boys each get to pick one video to watch on my phone before we do story time each night.  And while we were watching “The Wheels On The Bus” (the only video that exists according to Jakob) I got a spontaneous hug from Mr. Alex.  But then something amazing happened when I heard the words “wuf you mama” in my ear.  Alex mumbled them in a fleeting moment and he mumbled them into my left ear.  I heard those words.  And had it been only a couple of weeks ago I would have never heard them spoken to me.  I would have missed this moment.  And for that I am extremely grateful.  My heart exploded into a million pieces and the tears streamed down my face.  That moment, like so many others, was a blessing.  So I think that is all I will talk on this subject for now.  I will let the world know when I decide to embark on the next surgery.  I promise to get this blog back to its original intent very soon.  You all deserve a much needed update on our wonderful (and simply amazing) boys!

Mary