twins

I think I have a unique perspective.  I am a twin.  And I am currently raising twin boys.

 

We had a rough night of sleep the other night.  I’m not complaining.  I mean I can count on my hands the number of times the boys have woken-up in the middle of the night since we put in the “sleeping through the night” expectation.  Yep.  It has only happened this time.  And really I think the boys are just going through a growth spurt.  So if you combine a somewhat hungry baby with new surroundings in the new house I guess we can expect some middle of the night cry fests.  Anyhow I was in the nursery last night trying to rock Jakob back to sleep and I realized it was the very first time I had sat in that rocking chair since the boys were born with the intention of actually putting a baby to sleep.  I bet that shocks a lot of my readers.  But here is the thing.  It is a completely different ballgame when you are raising twins versus raising a singleton.  There are so many “things” I have never gotten to enjoy because of our situation.  I think it is often why I am so conflicted on having another baby.  I feel like I have missed out on so many things.  And one of those things is rocking my baby to sleep.  But I know just that alone is not a reason to have another child.  And then it got me thinking about my life.  I am not an affectionate person at all.  I actually get picked on all the time because I absolutely hate any outward signs of affection.  I get so uncomfortable when acquaintances lean in for a hug.  I all but panic in those situations.  I have coworkers and friends who make fun of me all the time for my bizarre behaviors.  You should see me trying to comfort a coworker or an acquaintance.  It is hilarious.  It goes something like this, “Oh.  Your dog just died.  I’m sorry. (I give a quick pat on the back)  So did you catch the baseball game last night?”  I just show my love for others in a completely different way.  So I wonder if this is because I was never held a lot as a child.  My mom was busy raising a set of twins and a 4 year old boy.  Jakob and Alex never get held for any long periods of time.  Actually I take that back.  Jakob never gets held for long periods of time.  It’s just not possible.  We can only hold one child at a time (comfortably) and because Alex is going through a fussy phase he by default is the baby that gets held.  So I just wonder if my distaste for affection is a result of being a twin and never getting a lot of “cuddles”.  And I wonder if Jakob and Alex will turn out the same way.  Is it a bad quality?  Or they suffering in some sort of way by being a twin?  But there was a small part of me that treasured the time I shared with Jakob the other night.  We just got to sit in the dark together.  I got to feel him cuddle himself tight against my chest as he tried to calm himself down.  I got to rub my cheeks on the top of his head and just watch him take deep breaths.  And for a moment I got to enjoy rocking my baby to sleep.  I got to be a normal momma.  

[I won’t lie though.  I looked at the clock after 30 minutes and thought, “It is 1:00 am Jakob.  It is time to go to bed.”]

Mary