and it's over

That didn't last long.

I went for more b/w today and my hcg level only increased to 73.  It is officially a chemical pregnancy (or an early miscarriage).  The most ironic part ... I stopped spotting.  I have to continue to go back to the RE for b/w every couple of days to make certain that my hcg level drops.

The phone call was really difficult.  I thankfully got to talk to my favorite nurse.  It would have been harder had it been someone else.  I knew the moment that I picked-up the phone that the news was bad.  You can always tell by the tone of voice.  Plus they waited until the very end of the day to call me.  Then I just kind of zoned out while she was talking to me because the tears were already flowing down my cheeks.  I had been holding in a lot of emotions over the last two weeks.  I managed to ask a few questions.  But honestly I didn't even process some of the responses.  I just knew that I had to ask questions or I was going to freak out.  And then I ended the conversation as fast as possible so that I didn't become a blubbering mess on the phone.  The nurse indicated that it can take up to two weeks for my body to recognize the miscarriage.  I'm not looking forward to this at all.  And I'm especially not looking forward to the whole bleeding aspect.  I know that is going to be fun.

My emotions are all over the place.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm at peace.  I'm ready to get back onto the horse.  I want to crawl under the covers and hide.  I'm resentful.  I'm tired.  I'm numb.  I honestly don't know what to feel at the moment.  I am thankful for my wonderful lady and all the support she has given to me during this entire journey.  I am also thankful for my "inner circle" of family and friends who have supported me through the last several days.  I'm just going to do my best to get through the next couple of weeks.  Kara and I need to decide what we do next.  And when we do it.  I now know that I can get pregnant.  I guess that is something.

Mary