cycle # 4

I was really a "debbie downer" in my last post.  I sure am glad I went and found my big girl panties.  Geez.  I apologize to all my loyal readers (all one or two of you).

I guess the theme of this post is "ask and you shall receive".  I mentioned in my minor state of hysteria in my previous post that perhaps I needed a break from all this get pregnant hoopla.  Well all I needed to do was go for my baseline u/s yesterday morning to receive that break.  I have a cyst.  Again.  Did I mention like I feel as if my life is on repeat??  This cyst is much smaller this time at only 20mm.  So I am hopeful that it will disappear quickly.  However, in my moment of frustration at the REs office, I did not look on the screen to see if it was my right ovary or my left ovary.  It doesn't matter.  It looks like I am going to be one of those girls that gets a cyst after every medicated cycle.  I was super upset for a few hours.  I think I am entitled to at least a few hours of anger and sadness.  I had to go back to work after the appointment and I had a really hard time even making eye contact with anyone.  I  knew that I would either cry or punch someone.  And I for sure do not want to lose my job over a cyst.  That would be embarassing.  I am fortunate enough though to work with my very bestest friend who managed to talk me off the ledge.  I told her she should be a therapist but she thought I was crazy for even suggesting the idea.  Anyhow she mentioned that I need to start looking at each "cycle" as a two month process instead of a one month process.  And she is correct.  It looks like no matter what I do I am going to end up with a cyst after each cycle.  So I just need to incorporate that idea into my daily thinking.  She also mentioned that I am allowed to feel all the crazy emotions that come with bad news.  I often struggle with allowing myself to grieve a cycle because I look around me and see so many other woman struggling with so much worse.  I feel like I have no reason to complain.  But it doesn't matter if it is failure #1 or failure #28.  It is still going to sting.  But I feel much better today.  I am optimistic and I am counting down the days until Kara and I decide to get back on the horse.  It might be next month.  It might be the month after.  We will just have to see.  Only time will tell.      

The REs office is an interesting place.  The entire office is full of so much saddness.  But it is also full of so much hope.  The dynamics of the waiting room alone are very interesting.  There is an unspoken etiquette in the office.  Many different rules to follow.  One of the rules ... never make eye contact with another person in the waiting room and never ever speak to another patient.  And I can totally understand the reason for that unspoken rule.  The saddness.  I feel as if the saddness is contagious.  Then you have that rare couple, usually always a lesbian couple, that is sitting in the waiting room full of excitement and hope.  That couple.  They just started this process.  There are no reasons for them to think that things won't work out for them in the end.  That couple always gives me hope.  I've only been at it for four months and I already feel the saddness creeping up on me.  The couples that have been at it for years.  The couples that have spent thousands upons thousands of dollars without ever getting their dream.  I cannot imagine the sadness those couples feel.  That sadness was even more evident at my appointment yesterday.  I was waiting in the u/s room for the RE to come in and do the u/s.  I had been waiting for only a few minutes when I heard a woman scream in the room next to me.  My heart dropped to my feet.  My hands immediately got cold and started to shake uncontrollably.  The screams immediately turned into sobs and I knew that the person in the next room had just received the most devestating news of her life.  My guess.  She lost her baby.  I only guess this because I know the room next to me was an u/s room.  And it was probably a miracle baby.  They are all miracle babies in this office.    There was a couple sitting in the waiting room when I arrived.  They were the only other couple I saw in the office at the time.  The couple was called in for their appointment right before me.  I still do not know if they were the couple that received the bad news but I cannot get their faces out of my mind.  This is why I should have never looked at them.  I should have never made eye contact.  I should have never broken the unspoken rule.

I thought of this couple yesterday afternoon when a woman I work with announced her pregnancy.  I had known that she was pregnant but I had not officially been told the news by her.  I was already in a bitter mood.  You know ... bleeding ... not pregnant ... feeling like a failure.  I am very happy for this woman.  I know that she is really excited to have a child.  I also know that she got pregnant right away.  I took the time to congratulate her and then did my best to remove myself from the situation.  But the conversation did not end ... the next few minutes all she did was complain about the baby taking all her energy.  Excuse me?  I tried to smile and giggle but inside I had the following dialogue in my head, "You are all of five minutes pregnant (she is only about six weeks).  I just listened to a woman receive the most devestating news of her life today.  She was probably pregnant too.  Now she is not.  You might not want to count your chickens before your eggs are hatched.  And stop the complaining.  I would trade places with you in a heartbeat.  And you might not want to tell the mailman or the milkman until you actually have your first ob appointment."  Did I mention that I am working on my anger?  I promise ... I am.  Yikes.  I need a punching bag.

I know that I am truly blessed.  I have an amazing partner and our life together is wonderful.  We have a roof over our head.  We are able to put food on the table at night.  I spend most of my days extremely happy.  It's just that this blog is my outlet.  So of course a lot of my "bad" moments end up on these pages.  It is what it is.  Until next time ...

Mary

i'm really starting to hate the color white

No such luck.  Again.

It is hard to not feel like a total failure with each unsuccessful cycle.  There were no tears this time.  I consider that to be an improvement on my end.  My problem this time around has been the hundreds of questions that are swirling around in my head.  I ask myself the same questions over and over again knowing full well that I don't have any answers at the moment.  There could be a bigger issue at hand or we could simply just be having a bad luck streak. 

All I know is my emotional state at the moment is poor at best.  It has been especially difficult to be at work.  I work in a somewhat small office.  It is rare to have a pregnant lady in the office.  Well ... pregnant ladies have been popping up all over the place.  That sucks.  One of the pregnant ladies is my closest friend in the entire world.  I have zero problems with her pregnancy because she went through hell and back to get those babies.  I am extremely happy for her and I cannot wait to meet the little ones.  Plus I never hear a complaint come out of her mouth.  She is just thrilled to have some babies in her belly.  The people that complain though.  That bothers me.  A lot.  I would trade places with you in an instant.  It also bothers me when people announce their pregnancy to the entire world and the pee stick is not even dry yet.  Really?  How about you call your husband / partner before you make an announcement to the world?  And please stop taking pregnancy tests in the bathroom at work.  I mean ... really??  We are better then this people!! 

I'm also not looking forward to work on Thursday.  It is our "Community Days".  We put work aside for one day a year and spend the day participating in some sort of community service project.  This year we will be putting together care packages for soldiers actively serving our country.  It is also the one day a year that my fellow coworkers are allowed to bring their kids to work for the day.  It is a wonderful day and the kids really get a lot out of participating in the service event.  I think it is great that we are exposing the kids to service at a young age.  However, it will be difficult to be around a ton of kids all day long.  And I know that I will get the inevitable, "Are you and Kara planning on having any kids?" at least a handful of times during the day.  That is always my favorite question. 

So needless to say I am a bit of a "debbie-downer" at the moment.  I promise to put on my big girl panties and move forward.  I'm really not sure what forward means at the moment though.  I know that I need to get myself in a better mindset.  Perhaps that means it is time to take a bit of a break. 

Mary

my lovely lady

It has been five years since the most beautiful lady in the entire world became a permanent fixture in my life.  And I can honestly say that it has been the best five years of my life.  I would be lost without Kara.  We have become such a team.  I can be a very difficult person.  I am extremely stubborn and set in my ways.  Yet from the moment Kara came into my life she seemed to possess the ability to deal with me.  This was reason enough to keep her around!  She always knows the right words to say to me.  She knows when I need a hug or even when she needs to stay 100 feet away from me.  She always complies to my demands for cuddle time and understands that those moments mean the most to me.  She understands that often I just need to know that someone is there to protect me.  She is simply amazing.  She works hard at everything she does in life and goes above and beyond to provide for our little family unit.  She also deals with my domestic flaws and manages to keep our household in super condition.  Not only do I have domestic flaws but I also have handyman flaws.  Yeah.  She deals with those too.  She hardly ever complains about anything.  There is no such thing as a difficult situation in her eyes.  Kara will handle anything that is flown in her direction.  And did I mention that she is beautiful?  She has the most beautiful smile and eyes that light up a room.  She also has the best hair in the entire world.  It is interesting the number of comments Kara receives when we are out in public in regards to her hair.  And always I am thinking in the back of my mind, "Yeah.  It is awesome.  Did I mention she is mine?"  So today I am thankful for my lady.  I look forward to spending many more years together.  And I hope that soon I can give you the ultimate gift.  Our child.

Mary  

this does not get any easier

One would think that I would be better at waiting this time around.  Not true.  I actually think I have more anxiety this time.  I also think I have lower expectations.  I am such a pessimist.  I really need to work on finding a positive attitude.  Do you think they sell that at Walmart?  I think I keep the negative thoughts around because it makes the fall a bit softer if things don't work out in the end.  But, if I am pregnant, then I believe the negative attitude is a very bad thing.  I just can't seem to win!  I guess my point is ... I am working on the whole attitude thing!  I think Kara might slap me upside the face if she has to hear me say "I just know this did not work" one more time.

This time around I have had ZERO symptoms!  Nada.  None. Null.  Void.  I guess this is a good thing and a bad thing.  I would assume that I would have had some symptoms from the trigger shot.  Nope.  I mean last time I felt a million different twinges and I had to deal with nausea for several days.  This time I can't even make-up a symptom in my head.  There is nothing.  This supports my theory that it is hard to remain positive when you feel absolutely nothing.  Shouldn't I feel something?  Even if it is just a lousy side effect from the trigger shot.  Then again ... I am only 4dpiui.  Who knows?

I am also debating back and forth about testing out my trigger shot this time around.  I did that the last time and it made me an emotional wreck.  It sucks to stare at a stark white test.  No fun.  I'm technically not suppose to test until 14dpiui.  However, if the IUI did not work, then I will actually start spotting before I even reach 14dpiui.  So, if I follow the guidelines of the doctor, I have a strong possibility of not even getting to do a pregnancy test.  That's not fun either.  I should get to do at least one pregnancy test a month.  I haven't gotten to pee on a stick since February.  I just need to pee on something!! 

Mary 

i feel like i am on repeat

I have officially been inseminated (again). 

The procedure was essentially the same today.  However, I have officially renamed donor cb*** to Captain America!  He had super numbers today.  We had a sperm count of 65 million with 82% motility post thaw.  Not too shabby for a frozen sample.  I just told the little guys (as I was once again doing the post insemination relaxation) that someone needs to volunteer to be the leader.  We can't just have all followers in the group.  And there should be absolutely no swimming around in circles.  If you are lost, ask your tour guide for a map.  This should not be very hard!  I was fortunate enough to actually have my RE do the IUI procedure today.  And it made a world of difference.  She is just a super calm and relaxed person and all that positive energy puts me in a much better place.  The other doctors (while super nice) have always been in a much bigger hurry.  I just felt good about things today.  The remainder of my day ended up being super stressful so that does worry me a bit even though I rationally know that whatever was going to happen would happen no matter my stress level.  It would have just been nice to keep the positive momentum for the remainder of the day.  So now I wait ... again .... I'm really getting good at this whole waiting game!  I will continue to hope for the best. 

Mary

i will take any good news

I had my cd 11 u/s today.  I have two mature follicles (one on each side) that measure at 22mm and 21mm.  I think my body responded appropriately to the clomid this time around.  I only took 25mg instead of 50mg.  I feel much better about having two follicles instead of four follicles.  I also took note of my endometrial lining this time around (it was 8mm) as it is known that taking clomid can decrease the thickness of the uterine lining.  I believe this is a decent number (at least according to Dr. Google).  I think, from reading different articles, that you should have a lining of between 8mm - 12mm.  This is considered "good".  If the lining of the uterus is too thin (or even too thick) then the embryo cannot implant properly.  So I'm not too worried about the "lower" number.  I really wish I would have looked at this number during cycle # 1.  So ... The nurse gave me my trigger shot at the office and I am scheduled to have the IUI tomorrow morning (this will be approximately 24 hours later).  The shot did not hurt this time.  This is a very good thing.  I could hardly walk the last time!  I was hobbling around like a little old lady.  I also made the nurse give me the shot in my other butt cheek this time.  I figured the butt cheek we used the last time (the right side) ended with poor results.  So this time around I gave the honors to the left butt cheek!  I will try anything!!  I am now just crossing my fingers for good timing (in relation to when I ovulate) and I am also crossing my fingers that CB*** brings his "A" game tomorrow morning!

Mary

cycle # 3

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning (on cd 3) and I am happy (okay I am actually more like super duper thrilled) to announce that I am cyst free!!!  The RE that did my ultrasound this morning made me very nervous when she first walked into the room because she "cheerfully" announced that she was having very bad luck with all her baseline ultrasound appointments today.  I just gave her the side eye and told her that bad luck was banned from this particular exam room.  I guess it worked!!  I am sure she is glad it work too because I might have given her a swift kick to the face if she would have mentioned the word cyst in relation to my ovaries! I'm only kidding.

The office was super busy this morning.  Okay.  It was actually crazy busy.  I'm glad I know what I am doing at this point because today if you were unsure of any policy or procedure you might have actually gotten run down in the hallway.  I usually do all my follow-up with the nurse after my appointment but she was busy talking to another patient.  I was patiently waiting my turn but the RE decided that she could handle all the follow-up information herself and promptly jotted down all the information on a post-it note.  This made me a bit nervous.  It also made me chuckle.  I thought to myself as I was leaving the office that there was no way in hell that any of that information was going to make it into my chart.  I was already assuming that I was going to have to make a follow-up call to the office tomorrow.  However, I got a call (only two hours later) from the pharmacy that fills the hcg trigger shot for me.  So, I guess I was wrong ... at least some of the information made it into my chart.  The true test will be to see if they actually recorded my next appointment in the computer.  The RE scheduled my next appointment (on a post-it note) by letting me pick any random time that I wanted to come back to the office.  Um?? How do you know that time is available??  Whatever!  It was funny.

The process is basically staying the same this month.  I am however only taking 25mg of Clomid this time around from cd 3 - cd 7.  This is going to reduce the chance of me having so many mature follicles come ovulation time.  I am just hoping it doesn't reduce the number to zero though.  That would be bad.  It will also reduce the chance of one of those follicles failing to release an egg and turning into a cyst and forcing me to sit out another cycle next month.  I will go back for my next monitoring appointment on cd 11.  I am crossing my fingers (and toes and eyes) that all continues to go well this month.

Mary 

good-bye March and hello April

In March 2011 ... I was forced to take a TTC break.  I turned 30.  I lost my Nana (grandmother).

Needless to say I was ready to say good-bye to March 2011.

I'm not sure where this post is going but I feel as if I need to get some of my thoughts out of my head.

I watched my grandmother die on March 25, 2011 at 1:24pm.

My grandmother was an extraordinary woman.  There are no words that can properly memorialize her life.

The night before my grandmother died I was blessed to have been able to spend the night with my mother as we kept vigil next to my grandmother.  We spent the entire night, in between a few cat naps, telling stories about my life experiences with my grandmother.  It did not take long during that night before I realized that many of my memories from my childhood revolve around my Nana and Papa.  They taught me how to play poker.  We always gambled when we played poker.  We would steal the pennies from the "Holland America" cruise line tin that was stored in the bottom drawer of the green cabinet in the living room.  I knew what a "three of a kind" was before I knew my multiplication tables.  My favorite meal that my grandmother would cook me was Stouffer's frozen macaroni and cheese with canned salmon.  I was a weird child.  We would have root beer floats for dessert.  I only ever ate pork chops at my grandparent's house.  My grandparent's loved Graeter's ice cream.  Needless to say my grandfather was thrilled when I got a job at Graeter's in college.  We would spend Christmas in Port Charlotte, FL.  I got to plant a pineapple plant in Florida.  I named the pineapple plant "pine-dog".  We would go out to the orange tree in the morning and pick our oranges for the orange juice my grandmother would make for breakfast.  We would spend our days swimming at Pauline and Richard's house.  My grandmother would scratch my back when I was stressed or upset.  My grandmother refused to say "good-bye" it was instead "see you soon".  My grandmother always said "I love you".  There are so many memories.  There are too many memories to write on these pages. 

My grandmother suffered for many years.  But my grandmother also fought hard.  She was confined to a wheelchair for over ten years.  Her dignity stripped away.  But the smile never left her face.  She refused to give up the fight.  Even in the end.  My grandmother fought for almost two weeks.  This was two weeks of essentially no food or water.  She fought until the very end.  The moment that my grandmother took her last breath will be a moment that I will never forget.  I may have lost my grandmother.  But I gained an angel in heaven.  I truly believe that.

I only hope that my children are blessed to have the same sort of relationship with their grandmothers.

It is now April.  We will begin cycle #3 this coming week.  I am ready.  I must believe.

Mary