music

There is a Jason Mraz song called "I Won't Give Up".  This song has come to mean a lot to me over the last month.  I first heard the song as I was driving to the NICU one night and as I sat in my car all the emotions I had been burying for months and months and months came spilling out through my tears.  The song gave me so much strength in a time where I felt the world was spiraling out of control.  I had zero control over the situation.  The song also got me through long evenings with Jakob over the last few weeks.  The entire journey from the time Kara and I decided we wanted to grow our family until this very moment has been nothing like I ever imagined it to be in my dreams.  And it has taken me to this point to understand that even though this journey has been nothing as I expected it to be it has actually been the journey destined by a power higher than myself.  I never knew it was possible to love someone as much as I love Jakob and Alex.  It is a feeling I would not trade for the world.  It is also terrifying at the same time.  How do parents ever let their children venture into the unknown?

So I want to promise my boys that I will do everything in my power to give you the best life possible.  Your mother and I love you with our entire being and we promise to guide you through this world with as few bumps as possible.  We will make mistakes.  But we hope those mistakes go unnoticed by you guys.  We love you both unconditionally and we cannot wait to see what wonderful men you will become down the road.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Mary

lots of thoughts

Before I begin I thought I would share a super cute picture of Alex that we took today while patiently waiting at the pediatrician office.

I believe we have turned a corner!

We really struggled with Jakob the last few weeks.  I was really at my breaking point with my ability to comfort Jakob as he withered in pain each and every night.  My emotional well-being was poor at best.  Kara and I made a decision to stop fortifying my breast milk with the Neosure formula.  And only 48 hours later Jakob was an entirely new baby!!  Jakob has displayed zero symptoms of digestive issues since the formula has gotten out of his system.  We had a pediatrician appointment today and the pediatrician had no problem with us moving the boys entirely to breast milk.  The pediatrician did indicate that the digestive issues could reappear because there is often a honeymoon period whenever an infant is switched to new feeding options.  I am hoping with every ounce of my being that Jakob remains comfortable on the breast milk.  Now ... we know that it is impossible for me to keep up with the demands of exclusively breastfeeding the boys.  So we will have to find a formula that Jakob can tolerate.  The pediatrician suggested that we start the boys on Similac Advance.  This will give us a basis with which to judge the cause of Jakob's digestive issues.  I have also considered the option of making certain (when supply gets tight) that Jakob receives the breast milk and Alex is supplemented with formula.  My only reason for doing this would be the fact that Alex has had zero issues with digesting formula.  In an ideal world both boys would always receive breast milk but I don't think that is a possibility as the boys start taking more breast milk at each feeding.  We also have started both boys on Gripe Water (3x a day) and Probiotics (1x a day).  Both are "natural" supplements and cannot hurt as the boys digestive systems continue to develop.  We hope to eventually take Jakob off of the Zantac too.  We have not increased his dosage at this time.  If his digestive issues continue to worsen then we will know that the Zantac dosage needs to be increased.  If his digestive issues continue to get better then we will know that the Zantac can be eliminated.  Please say a little prayer that both boys continue to do good on the breast milk.

The boys had a pediatrician appointment today.  Jakob is up to 6 lbs 13 ozs and is 20" long.  Alex weighs 6 lbs 7 ozs and is 19 1/2" long.  Where did my little boys go??

We got permission to start feeding the boys "on demand" today.  Woohoo!!!  We are hoping that we can start to get the boys to sleep longer at night.  It will also eliminate the need to wake the boys for a feeding should they be sleeping soundly when it gets to be feeding time.  I would love to get the boys to sleep for a four hour (or even a five hour) stretch at night.  The boys are taking about 2.5 ounces of breast milk at each feeding.  We have also made some strides in sleeping at night.  We are finally all sleeping in the bedroom.  I do not miss the couch!  The boys are sleeping in the Rock N Plays in the bedroom.  I have Jakob on my side and Kara has Alex on her side.  Both boys are doing so much better with self-soothing and as a result we spend very little time cuddling them at night.  I can comfortably fall asleep with an awake baby in the Rock N Play next to me knowing that he will eventually fall asleep on his own.

Now time for the bad news.  I return to work on June 25th.  I have had to come to terms with so many "losses" during my pregnancy and my lack of a maternity leave is one additional "loss".  I originally planned to take 12 weeks off of work after the boys were born.  But then I experienced preterm labor and as a result I was pulled from work and placed on bedrest.  I am blessed to be able to receive short term disability through my employer.  However, as soon as I went on short term disability my 12 weeks of available FMLA also started to deplete.  The boys were born six weeks early.  I had a vaginal birth.  This only grants me six weeks of maternity leave unless I want to use the remainder of my FMLA.  But my FMLA ran out because of the bedrest.  The boys spent eight days and twelve days in the NICU.  As a result I only got about 4 weeks at home with the boys.  Have I mentioned we have not even reached their due date?  I will be back to work only four days after the boys due date.  I think our country is backwards in terms of offering mothers maternity leave.  Crazy!!!  We are extremely blessed that the boys will not have to go to daycare.  But it still stings.  So to ease back into work I have decided to work part time for the next three weeks.  I will work from 7am - Noon until mid-July.  I think this will help.  Though I am still preparing for some tears next week ...

Oh ... And did I mention I am already talking to Kara about the possibility of another kid down the road??  I think she wants to slap me!  She actually ignores me anytime I bring it up.  I have four or five years to change her mind!

Mary

one month old

The boys are one month old today!!!

I was suppose to have my postpartum appointment today.  The appointment was scheduled for 9:00 am and of course we wanted to bring the boys to the appointment as my OB did not deliver the boys and thus has never met them.  This requires us to move quickly in the morning and after a horrible night with Mr. Jakob it was rough to get going this morning.  We managed to get everyone ready for the appointment and five minutes before we were due to head out the door the office called to cancel our appointment.  Really??  But we all took showers and the boys even got a bath yesterday.  Now what?  Needless to say we were exhausted and a bit cranky about the situation.  We made the most of the bad news and took a two mile walk around the neighborhood.  We had a really good time.  The boys love to be in the stroller.  So now I get to call and reschedule the appointment.

Time for some updates ...

Jakob -

Oh Mr. Jakob.  We are still struggling quite a bit with Mr. Jakob.  I really believe the zantac is helping to improve his stomach issues but we really struggle to calm Jakob down at nighttime.  It is typical for Jakob to be wide-awake from 8pm to Midnight (or 1 am on a bad night).  Jakob does not spend the entire time crying (which is why I do not believe it is colic) but he will get himself calmed down and asleep for five minutes and then suddenly wake-up screaming at the top of his lungs.  He just seems to be in pain.  Eventually he will fall asleep from total exhaustion.  And then I have to go and wake him up for his next feeding.  I hate that part!  Jakob tends to sleep really well from 3am - 5am.  Jakob is growing like a weed.  I will be anxious to see what both boys weigh at our pediatrician appointment next week.  We are using the last of the Preemie disposable diapers (when the boys are not in cloth diapers at night) and both boys can actually fit into Newborn disposable diapers.  Some of the newborn cloths are starting to get tight on Jakob.  Jakob is now eating 2 ounces (60 mL) every three hours.  Jakob is not a fan of tummy time but if he is laying on your chest he will turn his head back and forth like crazy.  Jakob is still a world-champion burper.  You don't even have to touch him to get him to burp!  I don't think I have mentioned this before but Jakob makes the loudest noises in his sleep.  I wonder if this is related to the stomach issues.  It is hilarious to watch Jakob sleep and grunt over and over again.  I am getting better at ignoring the grunts and groans.  I only get concerned when I hear a scream.  Jakob has also found his thumb ...

This means that the pacifier is often getting rejected.  I am okay with a thumb sucker.  I am okay with anything that get Jakob to calm down for a few minutes.

Alex -

I think Alex knows that we are worried about Jakob so he spends all his time being as good as possible.  Kara and I often joke how easy life would be if Alex was an only child.  Of course we wouldn't trade Jakob for the world!  Alex is also eating 2 ounces (60 mL) every three hours.  He will gulp down a bottle faster than you can blink.  He is also not very interested in burping.  There are many feedings where we never get a burp out of Alex.  Alex still loves to be on his tummy and read his black and white book.  Alex hates to be naked which makes bath time and diaper changes a lot of fun.  But as soon as you put clothes on him he is totally calm.  Alex loves his pacifier.  He will get fussy if he wants his pacifier and can't find it but as soon as you put it in his mouth he is content.  He is also really good with keeping the pacifier in his mouth.  I will sometimes put the pacifier in his mouth at bedtime and wake up two hours later and Alex will still have the pacifier in his mouth.  Alex is catching up in weight to his brother.  This often makes it more difficult to tell the two boys apart from one another.  We will forget about the time that I gave Jakob's bottle (which had his zantac in it) to his brother Alex because I got them mixed up!

There is probably more to talk about but I will save that for a later date.

Mary

it takes a village ...

But what if you don't have a village?

It can become quite overwhelming to take care of newborn twins.  Especially newborn twins who are not even suppose to be here at the moment.  Our lives are a blur of diapers, bottles, breast milk, pumping, crying, and outfit changes.  And that doesn't even begin to touch the laundry, dirty dishes, cleaning, and animal responsibilities.  So why do people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I only get between two and three hours of sleep a night?  Kara and I come from a very small family.  And even more so we do not have a large circle of friends as we are both fairly introverted and preferred to spend time with each other than a lot of friends prior to having children.  No worries ... we have already made a resolution to find friends as the boys get older as we know we will need a circle of people with which to surround the boys.  But it has made it difficult as the only outside help we have at the moment is my mother.  And I am forever grateful for all the help my mother has given us the last few weeks.  I guess there is really no reason behind this post except to vent a bit.  I am totally in love with our boys.  The boys and Kara are my entire world.  But I am exhausted.  And Kara is exhausted.  And there are times I want to stick my head out our front door and just yell for some help.  But I can't do that.  We are alone in this grand adventure.  I know we will figure it out.  Kara and I always figure it out.  But at times it can be a bit overwhelming.  This is especially true in the middle of the night when I am trying to comfort a fussy baby.  I'm also just getting nervous to go back to work in two weeks and realize that what little time I am getting to nap now during the day is going to be completely gone.  Can a person really function on two or three hours of sleep a day??  I guess we will find out!!!

We are also learning that many people want to offer advice during this period of time.  We are always grateful for suggestions but at times all the suggestions can be a bit overwhelming.  I thought it might be nice to document the best pieces of advice I have received over the last month.  These statements are the ones I always have running through my head.  Most of the other advice I have thrown out the door ...

"Just remember that a baby has never died from crying." (from a close friend / coworker / mom of twins)

"If you cannot get a baby to stop crying and you start to panic ... just talk to the baby.  Talk about anything and everything.  The baby has no idea what you are talking about but I guarantee it will help to calm you down." (NICU nurse)

"If you don't know what to do in a situation just do to the baby exactly what you would want done to yourself.  So if you are giving a baby a bath remember to wash their head before you wash their bottom.  Would you wash your face with the same washcloth that you wiped your behind?"  (NICU nurse)  

Off to spend more time with the boys.  Thanks for letting me vent a bit ...

Mary

it's all a blur

The boys are 26 days old.  Really?

Jakob - We are making some improvements with Mr. Jakob.  We had a visiting nurse come today to check on the boys (and me) and Jakob weighed in at 6 lbs 1 oz.  The zantac appears to be working to reduce some of the reflux issues that Jakob is experiencing after each meal.  We also try to keep Jakob sitting up in the boppy for a few minutes after eating to get his meal to digest.  Both boys are starting to wake about 30 minutes prior to each feed session.  We are consistently giving Jakob 50 mL at each feeding and we might start increasing that amount to about 55 mL as there are times Jakob is still searching for food after each feeding.  We still have "meltdown" time at night with Mr. Jakob.  This is the hardest part of each day.  The "meltdown" can begin as early as 5pm but it usually does not begin until 8pm.  The meltdown period will usually last until Midnight.  The best stretch of time for the boys is between 3am and 10am.  They are angels!  We know that Jakob loves to be swaddled whenever he is having a meltdown.  He just cannot manage to soothe himself (something a twin unfortunately needs to learn).  We purchased a Moby Wrap and we are trying to use that during the day when Jakob is not consolable.  We also purchased a Wombie and we are going to try to use that at night when Jakob is having a "meltdown".  At the moment Jakob is taking a nap in the Wombie and he seems to be perfectly content in the Rock-N-Play.  The boys can now turn their head side-to-side when on their tummy and both boys have rolled from their stomach to their back during a tummy time session.  We are going to hope that the boys start to be able to tell the difference between "night' and "day" as soon as possible!

Alex - Mr. Alex has found his vocal cords!  He is still "Mr. Chill" but is also experiencing a "mini-meltdown" session each day.  The difference between Alex and Jakob though is in Alex's ability to self-soothe.  I can put a pacifier in Alex's mouth and he will only start crying again when the pacifier falls out of his mouth.  Today Alex weighed in at a whooping 5 lbs 10 oz!!  He is putting on weight at an amazing speed.  I think this accounts for the long periods of sleep!  We are consistently giving Alex 50 mL at each feeding.  He does not seem to be interested in more food at this time.  Alex still loves to be swaddled in his receiving blanket.  Alex tends to be a bit fussy between 8 pm and Midnight.  

I have been struggling a bit with pumping this past week but seem to have gotten over the hurdle once again.  I had another painful plugged milk duct.  I actually thought I was getting an infection because I got a big red spot on my right breast.  However, the red spot never got any worse and I never got a fever.  I spent a lot time massaging the spot and making certain that I completely emptied my breasts at each pumping session.  I had eliminated the 2 am pump session but I think that may have caused the plugged duct.  The visiting nurse today suggested that I gradually eliminate the 2 am pump session.  This means I should get up at 2 am and only pump enough to relieve any engorgement that I have at the time.  Eventually my body will notice the change in my "demand" and my supply will adjust accordingly.  I just need to eliminate this pumping session before I go back to work.  I have also started taking the vitamin Lecithin which is suppose to help woman who constantly experience plugged milk ducts.  I am consistently getting 6 oz at each pumping session.  We are really getting a significant freezer supply.  I actually had to ban Kara from purchasing any frozen foods at the moment because we are running out of room.  I just want to get as much as a freezer stash as possible before I go back to work and cut back on my pumping sessions.  Plus the boys will start eating more at each feed.

Kara and I are doing good.  We both have our moments.  My favorite time of each day is our 5am feeding session.  It is my best time of the day (I've always been a morning person even when I'm only sleeping 3 hours at night).  The sun is just starting to come up and the boys are usually in a really good mood.  This is the feeding session that I let Kara sleep through because she has to go to work in the evening and cannot take a nap.  I feed the boys and then we play on the mat for a bit.  Both boys are usually back to sleep by 6:30 am.  I clean bottles in the kitchen and then at 7 am I take the boys upstairs to wake up Momma K.  We all cuddle in bed for a bit before Kara gets up to take a shower.  The boys and I then take a quick nap before the 8 am feeding session.  Now compare this to my least favorite part of the day ... The 11 pm and 2 am feeding session.  The boys definitely express their emotions during this feeding session and at times I get frustrated when both boys are screaming at the top of their lungs.  I try to block it out but it gets difficult.  It would be different if I only had one baby but because there are two babies I can only soothe one baby at a time.  The other just has to cry it out.  This breaks my heart.  But eventually the crying does stop and we look forward to the next morning.

That is all for now.  I'm sure I am forgetting to mention something of great importance!

Mary

3 weeks old

The boys are three weeks old today!

Things seem to be getting a bit better for us all.  I hesitate to type that statement because I fear it will open a can of worms.  If I have learned anything its that things change minute to minute.

We just had our best moment of the day!  Kara was just initiated into the "being pooped on by Jakob" club!  It was great.  She got sprayed by poop (as did our carpet).  Thank goodness for the carpet cleaner.  We were laughing so hard.  And Jakob was just as relaxed as could be because he felt much better!

Jakob - The Zantac appears to be helping Jakob with his reflux issues.  He is no longer withering around in pain and screaming after his feedings.  I am hoping with every ounce of my being that this continues.  We have just been putting the medicine in his 11am and 11pm bottle and he does not seem to notice it.  He is still a bit more fussy than Alex but he is able to be consoled through various methods.  I still think Jakob's biggest issue is his inability to self-soothe.  I guess this was evident in the womb though.  He was always moving around and kicking up a storm.  This is the same personality he has portrayed outside of the womb.  We had our best night of sleep last night.  We are officially living in the living room at all times.  This has helped with our mental stability quite a bit.  It helps that we don't spend so much time moving stuff back and forth each night.  It also ensures that at least one of us is getting sleep upstairs.  Because Kara is working each day I try to make certain that she is getting sleep at night.  Plus my mom has been able to come over in the evenings for a couple of hours to allow me to shower and take a quick nap. It is amazing how much awake time one can bide with just an hour nap.  Both boys were able to sleep in their Rock-N-Plays last night for the first time since they came home from the hospital.  I am hoping it continues.  Last night Jakob was awake from 5pm - Midnight.  I am hoping this was a fluke because an overtired baby is not always the easiest to put to bed.  It is now 6:30pm and he is not wide awake like yesterday.  He was awake a bit after his feeding but has now fallen asleep in his swing.  We shall see what happens tonight.  Both boys are alternating between 40 mL and 50 mL each feed.  Both boys still love tummy time and both boys turn their head from side to side with no problem.  Jakob still loves to spend the day in his swing while Alex prefers to spend time in the vibrating chair.  

Alex - Our little man is doing very good.  There is not a whole lot to report.  He is dealing with a blocked tear duct so we are constantly wiping his crusty eye!  I am keeping a close "eye" (haha) on it in hopes that it does not get infected.  He seems to like the warm compress on his eye after he wakes from his naps.  Both boys still have the hematoma on their heads from the use of the vacuum at their birth.  The hematoma is much more defined on Alex's head.  I am told the hematoma should resolve itself within six to eight weeks.  Alex still does an amazing job sleeping in the Rock-N-Play at anytime of the day.

We had a friend take some pictures of the boys the other night.  We obviously cannot afford a professional so this was the next best thing.  And let me tell you ... the pictures turned out great!  Here are some pictures from the "photo shoot".

Jakob

Alex

Don't they melt your heart?

I am still exclusively pumping breast milk for the boys.  I have been able to freeze quite a bit of the milk which will help once the boys start increasing their feedings and also once I have to go back to work.  I have cut out my 2am pumping session which has helped my mental stability quite a bit.

That is all for now!

Mary