where do i fit in?

I have a bunch of ramblings for you this morning.

I believe this has been the slowest 2ww to date.  And it actually surprises me a bit.  I thought that after our m/c cycle that I would never want to take another HPT until I actually reached the end of the 2ww.  But now taking a HPT is all I can think about.  And unfortunately I know the heartbreak that most often follows taking a HPT.  So I am terrified.  I know that on the day I finally do decide to test that more likely than not I will suddenly be propelled into a downward spiral.  However, at the same time, because I am on the progesterone this cycle, I will be forced to take a HPT because my period will not show-up until I stop the progesterone.  I also know what dpiui I got a + HPT on our "successful" cycle so I know that if I take a HPT on that particular day this cycle and get a - HPT I will be bummed to the extreme.  I just don't think there is any winning in this situation.  I think I am just going to suck it up and start testing out my trigger shot.  I might as well just follow my previous patterns of behavior.  Did I mention I am only 6dpiui today?  Seriously!?!?

I hide my first "friend" on FB today.  I usually do okay with all the pregnancy announcements on FB.  But this one hit me especially hard.  This particular "friend" has a due date that is almost (to the day) the same day as my previous due date.  This would have probably been about the time that we would have also been letting the world know that we were pregnant.  Except we're not.  Because my pregnancy was doomed from the beginning.  And unfortunately since this "friend" has announced her pregnancy on FB it has been ALL baby talk from her in my FB news feed.  Needless to say ... I cannot subject myself to that every time I open up FB.  So she got blocked today.

I'm going to be honest.  I have zero optimism that this cycle will be successful.  I feel as if our timing might have been a bit off.  I don't think I ovulated (based on pain I experienced) until about 12 hours after our IUI.  And unfortunately I just don't think our sperm could survive that long.  Remember we are using frozen DS which has a much lower life expectancy than fresh DS.  I'm trying to remain positive but it is difficult when the only thing I have experienced since we began this journey in January is bad news.  I want it to work so bad.  I'm also scared as to how I am going to deal with the failure.  I have a feeling it is going to be difficult.  I also get mad at myself when I allow myself to have a bit of hope.  Then I just feel as if I am setting myself up to be crushed.

I have been having a difficult time determining where I "fit in" in this world of trying to get pregnant.  I have been doing some reading and I stumbled across an author who attached a label of "situational infertility" to GLBT couples who are TTC.  And I actually feel as if that might be the correct label.  Most of what I read in the online forums is written by infertile couples.  This occurs because Kara and I are going through the same procedures that an infertile couple would also be going through at any given time.  So I can relate to the many emotions these couples feel when a cycle is unsuccessful.  But I am not technically infertile.  So I feel as if I am forcing myself into a world where I do not belong.  At the same time, I do not feel as if Kara and I fit into the world of straight couples during their first year of TTC.  We are doing nothing that a straight couple does during their first year of TTC.  There is zero excitement to this whole TTC journey for Kara and I.  There is no jumping in bed and having sex in hopes that a baby arrives nine months later.  So I do not feel as if I belong in that world either.  I read many blogs written by other GLBT couples who are also TTC but I find that I stop reading as soon as they become pregnant.  It hurts too much to keep reading.  Do you know how many blogs I have had to stop reading?  A lot.  That's because most GLBT couples get pregnant fairly quickly.  And when I do find a blog that documents the TTC journey of a GLBT couple it is often a couple in the early stages of the TTC journey.  And now I can no longer relate to the emotions that they are feeling at any given time.  I am way past those emotions.  So I feel as if I am stuck in the middle with no where to go at the moment.  And it can get lonely.

Mary