double the trouble. double the love.

It's TWINS!!!

We had our u/s yesterday at 6w1d.  It is a day I will never forget.

The last two weeks have moved so slow.  I was literally counting down the hours until this appointment.  But of course as soon as I woke up on Friday morning I wanted to do anything but go to the appointment.  I was so nervous.  I decided it would be better just to live in denial.  Kara and I got to the appointment on time and I literally could not formulate a complete sentence.  My mouth was so dry!  I know the staff greeted us when we walked in the front door but I could only force a smile.  We only had to wait a few minutes in the waiting room before the nurse called us back to the exam room.  The nurse indicated that our RE was in the middle of a procedure so we might have to wait a few minutes.  This was okay.  I was just glad to be waiting in the exam room and not in the waiting room.  I got naked (because you need to know that) and then Kara proceeded to try and entertain me during the wait.  I thought at one point ... "Hey!  I have been through plenty of these u/s.  I will just walk Kara through the process so we can see what is going on in my uterus."  I think we only waited about 10 minutes.  Then my RE entered the room.  This is how it went down ...

RE: "How are you feeling?"
Me: "I'm nervous."
RE: "What are you nervous about?"
Me: "That there won't be anything in there."
RE: (with a smile) "I think there will be something in there."
(the RE proceeds to put in the wand and literally only has the picture on the screen for three seconds)
RE: "How about a two something?" (i still have no idea how she could see both babies so fast)
Me: *small giggle* ... *dead silence*

This is what we saw ...

It was the greatest moment of my life.  I was in shock.  We knew that twins were a distinct possibility but to actually see the babies on the screen.  I cannot even explain it.  The RE then took the time to show us the details of each baby.  We got to see each heart flickering away on the screen.  AMAZING!  And then the best part ... we got to hear each heartbeat.  I mean literally hear it (well at least a computer generated version of it).  I really could not formulate a single thought in my brain.  I realized at one point that I was biting my nails like crazy.  Here I am spread eagle on the exam table and I am staring at the screen biting my finger nails.  I must have looked like a three year-old who just had a teddy bear stolen.  I know the RE was talking during the u/s but I was not really registering anything that she was saying to me.  Even when she was done with the u/s I kept glancing at the screen to look at the picture that remained.  She started giving me instructions but I do not remember any of them.  I need to get better at listening. She even asked me at one point ...

RE: "What medications are you on?"
Me: "None."
RE: "None?"
Me: "Oh.  I mean progesterone and my prenatal vitamin.  Sorry."

I'm sure I would have been incapable of spelling my name at the moment.  She ended the conversation with ...

RE: "Do you have any questions?"
Me: "Can I have a picture?"
RE: (laughing) "Yes.  I took a lot."

I totally win the mother of the year award.  Do you know how many questions I should have probably been asking?  Yeah.  I didn't ask a single question.

My favorite moment ... When the RE left the room I looked over at Kara and she gave me a big high-five.  It was a classic Kara moment (who by the way was totally in awe the entire u/s).  I then made Kara give me a kiss!  It was a moment I will always remember.

So even with all the excitement there is still a ton of worrying left to be done.  The RE indicated that my chance of miscarrying both babies at this point is about 5%.  However, there is a much greater chance of losing one of the babies.  This is known as vanishing twin syndrome and can occur in up to 25% of all twin pregnancies.  I don't like those statistics.  So of course I am terrified of what will show-up on the next u/s.  The good news ... we heard heartbeats on both babies.  I know that there is nothing I can do at this point to guarantee both of these babies will make it for the long haul.  We just ask for all the prayers that we can get from those around us that know we are pregnant (which is not a lot of people).

Our next u/s is scheduled for next week.

Please stick little ones.

Mary

anxiety to the extreme

I cannot even begin to describe the anxiety I have been feeling over the past few days.  I am no longer a contributing member of society.  I find myself sitting at my desk just blankly starring at my computer screen.  I find myself calculating the number of hours I have until the u/s.  I find myself alternating between thoughts of a perfect appointment and thoughts of a horrible appointment. I keep reminding myself that I am strong and Kara and I can get through anything.  I keep hoping with every ounce of strength I have that we actually have a little one growing and thriving inside me.  But I also am panicked stricken that we will be looking at an empty u/s screen.  I just want to get to this appointment.  I just want it to be over.  I just want to know.  I need a plan of action.  And right now I can't develop a plan of action if I don't know what is going on.  And even if we do get good news it doesn't mean that bad news won't follow on a later date.  At some point I am going to need to let go of all this negativity.  I just don't think it is going to be anytime soon.

Symptoms (5w5d):  So I guess I do have some symptoms.  But I feel like they should be getting more intense.  The pimples are out of control.  Enough said on that subject.  My boobs still hurt.  But I almost feel as if they don't hurt as much as they did a few days ago.  I am tired.  All the time.  But I have a hard time sleeping.  I find myself eating all the time.  If I don't eat every couple of hours in the morning I find myself with a "weird" feeling in my stomach.  I would definitely not call it morning sickness though.  I almost wonder if it is nerves.  Otherwise ...  I do not feel pregnant.  I really wish I felt pregnant.

The next time I write will be after our u/s appointment.

Please stick little one.

Mary

still here. still pregnant. i hope.

I am 5 weeks pregnant today.  I hope.

I took another HPT this morning just for some reassurance.   It was positive.  Not that the HPT actually tells me if my pregnancy is progressing in the right direction but it at least tells me that I still have hcg in my system.  I will take what I can get.

The thing is ... I don't feel pregnant.  Should I feel pregnant?  I don't really have any symptoms at the moment.  My boobs are a bit sore.  Which I guess is a symptom because my boobs never hurt at all.  I'm not one of those women who gets sore boobs before my period is to start.  I still have a lot of pimples on my face.  My sleep pattern sucks at the moment.  I cannot seem to stay awake past 8pm each night but then I am wide-awake at 2am.  And then it is pointless to fall back to sleep because my alarm will go off at 4am.  All of these symptoms (minus the boobs) could simply be from stress.  I also find that I cannot eat a lot of food at any one time.  I get super bloated.  It just feels like there is no room for food.  Otherwise.  I feel completely normal.  So not reassuring.

I am scheduled for my first u/s in the next couple of weeks.  I am being vague with the date of the appointment on purpose.  I got a call from the nurse at the REs office to schedule the u/s and again I felt as if I was having an out of body experience.

Me: "Hello"
Nurse: "Hey Mary.  It's L.  I got a note from V to call and schedule you for your first OB appointment."
Me: (Is she talking to me?  An OB appointment?  Huh?  You only have an OB appointment when you are pregnant.): "Um .... Yes."
Nurse: "That is so exciting."
Me: "It is.  It's a bit surreal.  I just hope everything continues to go in the right direction."
Nurse: "Have you seen your numbers?"
Me (I really wish people would stop saying that!): "The numbers help.  But I'm still terrified."

I also had a dentist appointment yesterday that was scheduled long before I became pregnant.  Obviously.  Do you know how weird it is to tell strangers that you are pregnant?  Especially when you don't look pregnant.  It is especially weird when they think you are single.  The conversation went as follows ...

dental hygienist: "Any new health concerns?"
me: "Um.  Yes.  This is actually weird to say because the pee stick isn't even dry yet ... but I am pregnant."
dental hygienist: "Seriously? Oh my do we have a lot to talk about. I guess we won't be doing any x-rays today."
me (great she thinks I got drunk one night and got knocked up): "Yeah.  I am nervous though because we had a miscarriage earlier this summer."
dental hygienist: "So this pregnancy was planned?"
me: "Yep.  It was definitely planned."
dental hygienist: "I didn't even know you were dating anyone."
me (deep breath): "I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 years."
dental hygienist: "Oh.  So this was definitely planned."
me: "Yeah.  It kind of has to be planned."
dental hygienist: "So do you know the daddy?"
me (and so it starts): "There is no dad.  Just a momma and a mommy.  But if you are asking about the donor.  No. We do not know him."
dental hygienist: "That's so exciting."

I am sure I will have many more stories to tell.  Okay.  I better actually go do some work.

Please stick little one.

Mary

over another hurdle

Only a bazillion more to go!  I have an hcg level of 990 at 16dpiui.  This gives us a doubling time of 39.35 hours.  I believe at this level the ideal doubling time is 48 hours so we seem to be right on track.  I have been a nervous wreck the last 48 hours.  I feel sorry for all the people that had to be around me.  The negative thoughts that have been running through my brain have been crazy.  I feel a bit more relaxed at the moment but I am sure it is only temporary.  We now have to wait for our first u/s at around 6 weeks.  That will be our next hurdle.  So we are essentially in another 2ww.  I sure am getting tired of all this waiting!

I actually got the lab results from my RE today.  I think the RE called instead of a nurse because it is a weekend.  But it took me a second to figure this out.  The phone call was funny ...

(my phone rings and I do not recognize the number)
Me: "Hello."
RE: "Mary?"
Me: "Yes."
RE: (speaking really fast and not telling me who she is) "I've got really good news.  Your levels came back at 990."
Me: (I simultaneously figured out that is it my RE on the phone and then realized I had no idea what she just said to me) "Is that good?  What was the number again?"

Another memory to document along this journey.

Speaking of memories ... Kara and I celebrated the good news with a trip to Jeni's (only the best ice cream place in town).

I really don't have any symptoms at the moment.  Though I don't really think I should be having any symptoms either. I still have some cramping on and off and I hope that the cramps are just our little one snuggling into his or her home for the next nine months and not our little one trying to find an exit.  And I definitely think I am a bit more tired at the end of the day.  And the pimples still exist.  I hope those don't last another nine months.  Actually who am I kidding ... they can last the next ten years if it brings us a healthy little one at the end of nine months.  So no complaints in the symptom department at the moment.

I just want to take a moment to express how truly blessed I feel at the moment.  Our journey has not been a short one.  However, it also has not been a long journey.  And for that I feel blessed.  I know we have a long road in front of us.  I know that we are no where out of the woods.  But today a big hurdle was crossed and for that I am truly thankful.  We will continue to cross our fingers and our toes and our eyes.

Please stick little one.

Mary

headed in the right direction

I have an hcg level of 425 at 14dpiui.  And in the words of the nurse at the RE's office, "Your number is really, really, really good."  And I am thrilled beyond belief.  I am also terrified.  Our next test will be the follow-up b/w in two days.  We need to see a very good increase in the number.  I just want to get further than we got the last time.  Actually that's a lie ... I want to hold a baby in my arms in nine months.    

My symptoms - Not a whole lot at the moment.  My face has enough pimples on it to last a lifetime.  I have had cramping on and off for several days.  I hope it is our little one snuggling in for a long nine months.  I am a bit more tired than usual but that could also be how I am dealing with stress at the moment.  To be honest I feel as if I am about to start my period at any moment.  I keep doing the "toilet paper" check and outside of some very brief spotting this morning all has been okay.  The nurse at the RE's office thinks the progesterone might be causing some irritation which caused me to have some light spotting.  I am going to hope that this is the case.  Otherwise I don't feel pregnant at all.  But I guess one can't really feel all that pregnant at 4 weeks.

I just want to comment on how amazing the entire staff is at my RE's office.  I have gotten to know them all very well over the last ten months (that happens when you make 40+ office visits in a ten month period) and I do not think there is a better medical practice around.  Everyone I spoke to this morning was extremely excited about the + HPTs and the stellar b/w.  It gave me warm fuzzies.  They do an amazing job of talking me off the ledge when all I can see in front of me is negativity.  It will be hard to leave that office.  It will be a weird feeling.  I want nothing more than to leave that office in the dust but I will be sad to say "good-bye" to the staff.

Speaking of saying "good-bye" ... I graduated from acupuncture yesterday.  I have only been going for a few months but over those few months I have established a relationship with my acupuncturist.  She was thrilled beyond belief when I told her that I was pregnant yesterday.  The conversation went like this ...

My acupuncturist: "How are you feeling today?"
Me: "Pregnant."
My acupuncturist: "You know for sure?"
Me: "Yes.  Unless the thousand HPTs I have taken are all broken."
(insert squeals of delight and big hugs)

I got a big old hug.  It was probably the best reaction I have gotten to this point.  And I appreciated it.  I can continue acupuncture in my first trimester if I experience any severe morning sickness.  Otherwise my acupuncturist does not feel a need for me to continue with it at this point.  She also indicated that acupuncture can be great for post partum.  Let's hope that I don't go back for any other reason except the ones I mentioned.  Again ... please stick little one.

I don't think there is much else to report at this time.  I know some of you might be thinking, "Hey! That hcg level is really high for 14dpiui.  Dr. Google would say that it looks like you might have more than one baby in your belly." ... Kara and I are not thinking about this at the moment.  We are only hoping for one super healthy baby.  We want good numbers on Saturday.  We can only think about one thing at a time.  Plus we also know that plenty of women have really high hcg levels on 14dpiui and only have a singleton.  It can really go anyway.

Please stick little one.

Mary

the proof

The proof is in the pictures.  (Yes.  I took pictures of things I have peed on.  You would too!)

I am in countdown mode today.  Please let me make it to the official test day tomorrow.  Please stick little one.

Mary

okay. deep breath.

I am pregnant.  Shh .... We are going to pretend I did not just say that out loud.

Today is 12dpiui and I have been taking HPTs like it is my job.  Seriously I should own stock in whatever company makes HPTs.  I started testing out my trigger shot 7dpiui and as is to be expected the line was getting lighter each day (between 8dpiui and 9dpiui).  But then the line stopped getting lighter and at 10dpiui the line was just a bit darker.  I never actually got a - HPT.  I do not believe the trigger shot is still in my system because the line on the HPTs keep getting darker.  This is different than my first pregnancy. The lines never got darker on the HPTs. Plus they say the trigger shot should be out of your system within 10 days.  It has been 13 days since the trigger shot.  I believe I might just be pregnant.  So now cue every negative emotion in the book.  I was hesitant to even write this blog.  But then I realized the purpose of this blog is to document this journey.  And that has to include these happy moments.  And if the sad moments come up at a later date I will document those moments too.  So now I just have to wait.  Does that sound familiar??  I cannot call and report a + HPT until 14dpiui.  It is only 48 hours away but it feels like a lifetime.  I am sure I will go in for b/w after I call to report the + HPTs (assuming they are still positive in two days).  Until that time I am going to try to relax (insert eye roll).  Did I mention that I am pregnant?  Please stick little one.

where do i fit in?

I have a bunch of ramblings for you this morning.

I believe this has been the slowest 2ww to date.  And it actually surprises me a bit.  I thought that after our m/c cycle that I would never want to take another HPT until I actually reached the end of the 2ww.  But now taking a HPT is all I can think about.  And unfortunately I know the heartbreak that most often follows taking a HPT.  So I am terrified.  I know that on the day I finally do decide to test that more likely than not I will suddenly be propelled into a downward spiral.  However, at the same time, because I am on the progesterone this cycle, I will be forced to take a HPT because my period will not show-up until I stop the progesterone.  I also know what dpiui I got a + HPT on our "successful" cycle so I know that if I take a HPT on that particular day this cycle and get a - HPT I will be bummed to the extreme.  I just don't think there is any winning in this situation.  I think I am just going to suck it up and start testing out my trigger shot.  I might as well just follow my previous patterns of behavior.  Did I mention I am only 6dpiui today?  Seriously!?!?

I hide my first "friend" on FB today.  I usually do okay with all the pregnancy announcements on FB.  But this one hit me especially hard.  This particular "friend" has a due date that is almost (to the day) the same day as my previous due date.  This would have probably been about the time that we would have also been letting the world know that we were pregnant.  Except we're not.  Because my pregnancy was doomed from the beginning.  And unfortunately since this "friend" has announced her pregnancy on FB it has been ALL baby talk from her in my FB news feed.  Needless to say ... I cannot subject myself to that every time I open up FB.  So she got blocked today.

I'm going to be honest.  I have zero optimism that this cycle will be successful.  I feel as if our timing might have been a bit off.  I don't think I ovulated (based on pain I experienced) until about 12 hours after our IUI.  And unfortunately I just don't think our sperm could survive that long.  Remember we are using frozen DS which has a much lower life expectancy than fresh DS.  I'm trying to remain positive but it is difficult when the only thing I have experienced since we began this journey in January is bad news.  I want it to work so bad.  I'm also scared as to how I am going to deal with the failure.  I have a feeling it is going to be difficult.  I also get mad at myself when I allow myself to have a bit of hope.  Then I just feel as if I am setting myself up to be crushed.

I have been having a difficult time determining where I "fit in" in this world of trying to get pregnant.  I have been doing some reading and I stumbled across an author who attached a label of "situational infertility" to GLBT couples who are TTC.  And I actually feel as if that might be the correct label.  Most of what I read in the online forums is written by infertile couples.  This occurs because Kara and I are going through the same procedures that an infertile couple would also be going through at any given time.  So I can relate to the many emotions these couples feel when a cycle is unsuccessful.  But I am not technically infertile.  So I feel as if I am forcing myself into a world where I do not belong.  At the same time, I do not feel as if Kara and I fit into the world of straight couples during their first year of TTC.  We are doing nothing that a straight couple does during their first year of TTC.  There is zero excitement to this whole TTC journey for Kara and I.  There is no jumping in bed and having sex in hopes that a baby arrives nine months later.  So I do not feel as if I belong in that world either.  I read many blogs written by other GLBT couples who are also TTC but I find that I stop reading as soon as they become pregnant.  It hurts too much to keep reading.  Do you know how many blogs I have had to stop reading?  A lot.  That's because most GLBT couples get pregnant fairly quickly.  And when I do find a blog that documents the TTC journey of a GLBT couple it is often a couple in the early stages of the TTC journey.  And now I can no longer relate to the emotions that they are feeling at any given time.  I am way past those emotions.  So I feel as if I am stuck in the middle with no where to go at the moment.  And it can get lonely.

Mary