The MTX injection seems to be doing its job. I went for additional b/w 6dpMTX and my hcg level was 359. This was somewhat expected as my RE indicated that the MTX injection tends to cause an initial increase in the hcg level. They just wanted to see at least a 15% drop within the next couple of days. So I went back for more b/w 8dpMTX and my hcg level was 258. That was music to my ears!! I am scheduled to go back for more b/w 15dpMTX. I am hoping for a super low number ... perhaps double digits?!?
Lions and Tigers and Pimples ... Oh my! I had a feeling my hcg level was decreasing because my face has suddenly turned into the face of a teenage girl. Yuck. I know that my hormones are all over the place but I for one will be glad to get my usual face back. I do not miss the teenage years! Besides the bazillion pimples on my face I have not had too many side effects from the MTX injection. I did have some minor cramping between 6dpMTX and 8dpMTX. I again took this to be a sign that the MTX injection was doing its job. I have also been extremely tired. I think this might be a combination of both my emotional state and the crazy state of my hormones at the moment.
My schoolwork has suffered tremendously over the last several weeks. And I am okay with it. At least I have come to terms with it. My final grade for my current class is not a good one but it is a grade that will allow me to put the class behind me. I will move onto my final class in September and I have vowed to put my full effort into it. I of course am assuming that I am in a better emotional state at that time. I have done a wonderful job over the last four years not letting life negatively impact my schoolwork. This time it all got to be too much. But I think I am allowed one such moment in my lifetime. It is just a grade. I will still graduate and that is all that matters.
I have felt very alone during this entire process. There is no one in my life who understands the emotions that I am feeling surrounding this miscarriage. I am starting to learn that pregnancy loss is a very taboo subject. Approximately 2,000 women suffer a miscarriage each and every day but so often these women suffer in silence. So why do I feel so alone? I think part of it is because Kara and I have been keeping our TTC journey very quiet. There are only a handful of people who even know that we have been trying to get pregnant. And of those people only one person really understands the emotional and physical toll the entire process takes on a person. But then I suffered the miscarriage and I now have no one in my life who understands it all. Though my nearest and dearest friend has done a fabulous job in supporting me. But it all still makes me feel alone. Don't get me wrong ... I am thankful for my the friends and family members who have stood beside us during this extremely bumpy journey. I know I have not been an easy person to be around. However, there is no one that can understand the emptiness and hopelessness I have felt so many days over the past several weeks. It doesn't help that I am still technically pregnant. The emptiness in my heart is unimaginable. I wake up in the morning and tend to forget for just a second. But then it all comes back and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get my butt out of bed. I kept telling myself that I just need to move on. I need to pull up my big girl panties and keep on going. But then one morning I woke up and realized that I need to actually grieve the loss of this pregnancy. So I am trying to do that now. In my own way. And I do feel like I am on the right path now to do just that. I hope that some day I can be there for someone in a similar situation. Because I now know how important it can be to a person.
Mary
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