I got more b/w done today. And I am thrilled to report that my hcg level is now a whooping 3 at 22dpMTX. This means I am officially not pregnant. And I no longer have to get any more b/w done. This is good considering my veins were starting to become a bit annoying. I guess the more you get b/w done the more scar tissue that builds up on the veins. The lab tech told me this today. She was not thrilled to see me again. Because of this scar tissue it has gotten a bit difficult to get my b/w done. The lab tech had to really dig around today in order to get any blood to come out. And let's just say it was not a pain free experience. Now hopefully my veins will have some time to heal. And perhaps the next time I sit in that chair to get b/w done it will be for a good reason. So now we just wait until I start my next period. I have no idea how long that is going to take as my body is a bit thrown off at the moment. The nurse indicated that if I have to wait longer than five weeks to give the RE a call. I think I will go crazy if I have to wait that long! I'm just ready for this never ending cycle to be over. Not that anyone is counting but it has been 62 days since we started this cycle. Yep. Not like anyone is counting!
Mary
Friday, August 19, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
miscarriage
The good news. I can make the assumption that I did not have an ectopic pregnancy. The bad news. I had to find that out yesterday afternoon.
I have had some bleeding since this past Monday (August 8). The bleeding was not significant by any means and could be equated to a light period. I knew to expect some bleeding as my hcg levels began to decrease. I also did not have any noticeable cramping. I noticed on Thursday (August 11) that the bleeding picked up a bit and in the evening I started to have some minor cramping. I took a couple of Advil before I went to bed and the cramping subsided in the morning. I went to work as normal. I stopped at the REs office in the morning to get additional b/w done. I noticed that the cramping and bleeding intensified about 10am. But it was still not enough to cause me any problems. I took a couple of Advil and continued to work. I went to lunch around 11:30am. It was when I got home at lunch that the cramps began to pick-up in intensity. I took a few more Advil and ate some lunch hoping that the drugs would kick in and allow me to get through the afternoon at work. Kara and I share a car. Our office buildings our located next door to one another so it works out really well. And it saves us a ton of money. Kara was due to get out of work at 2pm so we decided to switch the car out after I was done with lunch as I had to work until 4:30pm. It was when I went to give Kara the car that the intensity of the cramps got really bad. As soon as Kara got in the car she made a comment that I did not look too good. I told her it was just some cramps and I was just waiting for the drugs to kick in. I returned to work and realized almost immediately that things were not getting better. Instead they were getting worse. I tried to sit at my desk but I could not get comfortable. So I decided to get up and go to a back room and try to walk around a bit. I sent Kara a few text messages and indicated that the cramps were really bad and I wanted her to pick me up when she got out of work at 2pm. It was only 1pm at the time. I thought I would have no problem making it for another hour. I decided to return to my desk. I ran into a coworker on the way back to my desk and she immediately made a comment that I did not look good. She said that I had no color in my face. She is aware of the situation (only two people at work know what I am going through) and she immediately became concerned. I told her that I was just experiencing some cramping and that I was going to go home when Kara got off of work at 2pm. She mentioned that she would be willing to give me a ride home now should I need it. I told her it wouldn't be necessary and I went back to my desk. I was really hesitant to leave work because I have missed several hours over the past few weeks for appointments. I did not want to leave work for no reason. I went back to my desk but I quickly realized that things were going from bad to worse as the minutes ticked by. I sent an instant message to my coworker and asked her to take me home. The pain was super intense and at this point I was sweating quite a bit. My coworker was at my desk immediately and she helped me to get my things put away. Things start to get a bit fuzzy at this point. I realize now that I don't really even remember driving home. I don't think I realized at the time how much pain I was in. I know I kept thinking how grateful I was that it was the weekend. I also kept worrying about how long this cramping would last as I didn't know how I would get through multiple days of it. You have to remember at this point I was still making the assumption that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the bleeding I was having was simply a result of dropping hormone levels. I did not realize what was to come. I got home and went upstairs to let the dogs out of their crates and to change into some comfy clothes. I then crawled into bed and tried to get comfortable. I was only in bed for about 10 minutes when I thought that perhaps I should use the restroom. It was at this point that I miscarried this pregnancy. I was in total shock. I had taken my phone with me to the bathroom and I immediately started sending Kara cryptic text messages. I am sure I freaked her out. The pain subsided as soon as I passed the pregnancy tissue. I will leave out the details but I am 100% certain that it was pregnancy tissue. I had some clotting after the fact but that only lasted a couple of minutes. I have had very little bleeding and no cramping since that point. It was over in a matter of minutes. I truly did not know what to feel at that moment. I cried a bit. I was curious. I was relieved. I was happy. I was sad. I was angry. I even laughed a bit. It took me a while to get the courage to flush the toilet. But then I did. And it was over.
I received a call from the REs office about thirty minutes later with the results of my b/w. My hcg level is now 117. The nurse indicated that the number is dropping at the normal rate. I will go back for additional b/w next week at 22dpMTX. The number should be even lower at this point. I have read that it can take anywhere between 2 weeks and 4 weeks for your hcg level to get to zero after a miscarriage. I do not believe that it will take that long for my number to get to zero as it was already decreasing before the miscarriage.
I cannot imagine the emotions a woman would experience if a miscarriage was unexpected. I was blessed in the fact that I knew there was a possibility that I would experience a miscarriage over the last few weeks. I do not know how I would have survived yesterday afternoon had I not known that I was going to lose this pregnancy. My prayers are with any woman who has ever had to experience an unexpected miscarriage.
Mary
I have had some bleeding since this past Monday (August 8). The bleeding was not significant by any means and could be equated to a light period. I knew to expect some bleeding as my hcg levels began to decrease. I also did not have any noticeable cramping. I noticed on Thursday (August 11) that the bleeding picked up a bit and in the evening I started to have some minor cramping. I took a couple of Advil before I went to bed and the cramping subsided in the morning. I went to work as normal. I stopped at the REs office in the morning to get additional b/w done. I noticed that the cramping and bleeding intensified about 10am. But it was still not enough to cause me any problems. I took a couple of Advil and continued to work. I went to lunch around 11:30am. It was when I got home at lunch that the cramps began to pick-up in intensity. I took a few more Advil and ate some lunch hoping that the drugs would kick in and allow me to get through the afternoon at work. Kara and I share a car. Our office buildings our located next door to one another so it works out really well. And it saves us a ton of money. Kara was due to get out of work at 2pm so we decided to switch the car out after I was done with lunch as I had to work until 4:30pm. It was when I went to give Kara the car that the intensity of the cramps got really bad. As soon as Kara got in the car she made a comment that I did not look too good. I told her it was just some cramps and I was just waiting for the drugs to kick in. I returned to work and realized almost immediately that things were not getting better. Instead they were getting worse. I tried to sit at my desk but I could not get comfortable. So I decided to get up and go to a back room and try to walk around a bit. I sent Kara a few text messages and indicated that the cramps were really bad and I wanted her to pick me up when she got out of work at 2pm. It was only 1pm at the time. I thought I would have no problem making it for another hour. I decided to return to my desk. I ran into a coworker on the way back to my desk and she immediately made a comment that I did not look good. She said that I had no color in my face. She is aware of the situation (only two people at work know what I am going through) and she immediately became concerned. I told her that I was just experiencing some cramping and that I was going to go home when Kara got off of work at 2pm. She mentioned that she would be willing to give me a ride home now should I need it. I told her it wouldn't be necessary and I went back to my desk. I was really hesitant to leave work because I have missed several hours over the past few weeks for appointments. I did not want to leave work for no reason. I went back to my desk but I quickly realized that things were going from bad to worse as the minutes ticked by. I sent an instant message to my coworker and asked her to take me home. The pain was super intense and at this point I was sweating quite a bit. My coworker was at my desk immediately and she helped me to get my things put away. Things start to get a bit fuzzy at this point. I realize now that I don't really even remember driving home. I don't think I realized at the time how much pain I was in. I know I kept thinking how grateful I was that it was the weekend. I also kept worrying about how long this cramping would last as I didn't know how I would get through multiple days of it. You have to remember at this point I was still making the assumption that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that the bleeding I was having was simply a result of dropping hormone levels. I did not realize what was to come. I got home and went upstairs to let the dogs out of their crates and to change into some comfy clothes. I then crawled into bed and tried to get comfortable. I was only in bed for about 10 minutes when I thought that perhaps I should use the restroom. It was at this point that I miscarried this pregnancy. I was in total shock. I had taken my phone with me to the bathroom and I immediately started sending Kara cryptic text messages. I am sure I freaked her out. The pain subsided as soon as I passed the pregnancy tissue. I will leave out the details but I am 100% certain that it was pregnancy tissue. I had some clotting after the fact but that only lasted a couple of minutes. I have had very little bleeding and no cramping since that point. It was over in a matter of minutes. I truly did not know what to feel at that moment. I cried a bit. I was curious. I was relieved. I was happy. I was sad. I was angry. I even laughed a bit. It took me a while to get the courage to flush the toilet. But then I did. And it was over.
I received a call from the REs office about thirty minutes later with the results of my b/w. My hcg level is now 117. The nurse indicated that the number is dropping at the normal rate. I will go back for additional b/w next week at 22dpMTX. The number should be even lower at this point. I have read that it can take anywhere between 2 weeks and 4 weeks for your hcg level to get to zero after a miscarriage. I do not believe that it will take that long for my number to get to zero as it was already decreasing before the miscarriage.
I cannot imagine the emotions a woman would experience if a miscarriage was unexpected. I was blessed in the fact that I knew there was a possibility that I would experience a miscarriage over the last few weeks. I do not know how I would have survived yesterday afternoon had I not known that I was going to lose this pregnancy. My prayers are with any woman who has ever had to experience an unexpected miscarriage.
Mary
Thursday, August 11, 2011
acupuncture
I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. I went in to the appointment with zero expectations. And thankfully I was simply amazed with the entire experience.
I spent the first part of the appointment filling out a "fertility" questionnaire. The questionnaire was broken-up into different sections that identified my areas of imbalance. I think it had about 100 questions overall. I will not even begin to pretend that I understand any of the science behind acupuncture. You are going to have to look elsewhere for that information! I then sat down with the acupuncturist to discuss the results of the questionnaire. I have never spent as much time discussing my medical history as I did yesterday with the acupuncturist. I was simply blown away with the time she spent to get to know me. I was nervous discussing so much detailed information but it was actually really easy to talk to her. It is rare to find such attention in the medical / healthcare profession. Though I believe I have also found that same attention at the REs office. I consider myself lucky in that regards. The acupuncturist tried to get a clear picture of both my physical health and my mental / emotional health. The treatment began once she got a clear picture of my medical history and the expectations I had for these acupuncture sessions. I was a bit nervous. I think it was more anxious anticipation then any sort of nerves regarding the process itself. The acupuncturist began by checking my pulse (for a long time I might add) and then examining my tongue (no idea about that one). Then came the needles. I think she used about 20 needles in all. I lost count. I would feel a slight prick when the needle was inserted. Then she would adjust the needle until I told her that I felt some sort of sensation. Some of the needles went in to the skin fairly deep and others were barely through the skin at all. I then got to lay in the dark for 30 minutes while the needles worked their magic. It was a bizarre experience. I really could not feel the needles. I really thought that I would be unable to turn my brain off during those 30 minutes. Yeah. Wrong again. I was so calm and relaxed. I did not want those 30 minutes to end. I could feel weird sensations through my body and even noticed my pulse rate increase and decrease at various moments. I felt tucked away in my own secret world where no one could find me. I did not want to leave. I thought maybe I would fall asleep but no luck in that area. I'm almost glad I didn't fall asleep. Once the 30 minutes were up the acupuncturist returned to the room and removed all of the needles. This is the part where I was amazed at how many needles were actually in me. I had no idea. I really could not feel a thing.
I left that appointment in a completely different mood. I truly felt alive. I had some hope. But most importantly I was completely calm about the future. I spent the day embracing my mood. Even Kara noticed the difference as soon as I walked in the door that evening. Does acupuncture work? I don't know. But I am okay with spending some money each week if it helps to improve my overall mood and reduce the significant amount of anxiety I have been experiencing over the last several months. Perhaps the benefits are all in my head. I'm okay with that. However, the acupuncturist swears that I will see benefits (both fertility related and emotionally related) from the process as long as I am invested in it.
Mary
I spent the first part of the appointment filling out a "fertility" questionnaire. The questionnaire was broken-up into different sections that identified my areas of imbalance. I think it had about 100 questions overall. I will not even begin to pretend that I understand any of the science behind acupuncture. You are going to have to look elsewhere for that information! I then sat down with the acupuncturist to discuss the results of the questionnaire. I have never spent as much time discussing my medical history as I did yesterday with the acupuncturist. I was simply blown away with the time she spent to get to know me. I was nervous discussing so much detailed information but it was actually really easy to talk to her. It is rare to find such attention in the medical / healthcare profession. Though I believe I have also found that same attention at the REs office. I consider myself lucky in that regards. The acupuncturist tried to get a clear picture of both my physical health and my mental / emotional health. The treatment began once she got a clear picture of my medical history and the expectations I had for these acupuncture sessions. I was a bit nervous. I think it was more anxious anticipation then any sort of nerves regarding the process itself. The acupuncturist began by checking my pulse (for a long time I might add) and then examining my tongue (no idea about that one). Then came the needles. I think she used about 20 needles in all. I lost count. I would feel a slight prick when the needle was inserted. Then she would adjust the needle until I told her that I felt some sort of sensation. Some of the needles went in to the skin fairly deep and others were barely through the skin at all. I then got to lay in the dark for 30 minutes while the needles worked their magic. It was a bizarre experience. I really could not feel the needles. I really thought that I would be unable to turn my brain off during those 30 minutes. Yeah. Wrong again. I was so calm and relaxed. I did not want those 30 minutes to end. I could feel weird sensations through my body and even noticed my pulse rate increase and decrease at various moments. I felt tucked away in my own secret world where no one could find me. I did not want to leave. I thought maybe I would fall asleep but no luck in that area. I'm almost glad I didn't fall asleep. Once the 30 minutes were up the acupuncturist returned to the room and removed all of the needles. This is the part where I was amazed at how many needles were actually in me. I had no idea. I really could not feel a thing.
I left that appointment in a completely different mood. I truly felt alive. I had some hope. But most importantly I was completely calm about the future. I spent the day embracing my mood. Even Kara noticed the difference as soon as I walked in the door that evening. Does acupuncture work? I don't know. But I am okay with spending some money each week if it helps to improve my overall mood and reduce the significant amount of anxiety I have been experiencing over the last several months. Perhaps the benefits are all in my head. I'm okay with that. However, the acupuncturist swears that I will see benefits (both fertility related and emotionally related) from the process as long as I am invested in it.
Mary
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
everything's coming up roses ... or not
I received an e-mail from my brother on Sunday morning. It was a completely innocent e-mail. The e-mail included some pictures of the child of some friends of my brother. His name is Jackson. He is three. And he has a head full of curly blond hair. My brother is fortunate to work for the Bo.ston Re.d S.ox. He had invited Jackson to watch his first baseball game at Fen.way Park. There was one picture in the group that gave me an emotional reaction like no other that I have felt over the past few weeks. It was enough to start the tears. And those of you who know me understand how much it takes to get me to cry. Here is the picture ...
I cannot even put into words what I feel like when I see this picture. I won't even try to on these pages. But essentially it felt as if someone took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it over and over again. And unless you have been in a similar situation there would be no way to understand those emotions. I showed the picture to my close friend without any explanation as to how the picture had been a trigger to me. She has also been in a similar situation and she immediately stated, "Well that had to hurt." See. She understands. And now, just like a car wreck, I keep going back and looking at this picture. I should probably just delete it. Oops. It's now on my blog so that's not going to happen. And it gets even better ... Jackson has two mommies. Yep. Stomp, stomp, stomp.
And remember when I mentioned that I was not having too many side effects from this whole experience. I now have the yeast infection from hell. I will just leave it at that. You know I have to document everything!
I have also decided to give acupuncture a try. Acupuncture can help by addressing problems that affect fertility. But I think even more important, in my situation, acupuncture might be a way to help reduce my stress and anxiety. I think at this point in the process my stress and anxiety are at an all time high. I also just feel generally unhealthy at the moment. And that is not a good thing. Plus I think acupuncture will help me during the waiting process to try again. It gives me something to focus on. So I have my first appointment tomorrow. I will be sure to document the experience.
Mary
I cannot even put into words what I feel like when I see this picture. I won't even try to on these pages. But essentially it felt as if someone took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it over and over again. And unless you have been in a similar situation there would be no way to understand those emotions. I showed the picture to my close friend without any explanation as to how the picture had been a trigger to me. She has also been in a similar situation and she immediately stated, "Well that had to hurt." See. She understands. And now, just like a car wreck, I keep going back and looking at this picture. I should probably just delete it. Oops. It's now on my blog so that's not going to happen. And it gets even better ... Jackson has two mommies. Yep. Stomp, stomp, stomp.
And remember when I mentioned that I was not having too many side effects from this whole experience. I now have the yeast infection from hell. I will just leave it at that. You know I have to document everything!
I have also decided to give acupuncture a try. Acupuncture can help by addressing problems that affect fertility. But I think even more important, in my situation, acupuncture might be a way to help reduce my stress and anxiety. I think at this point in the process my stress and anxiety are at an all time high. I also just feel generally unhealthy at the moment. And that is not a good thing. Plus I think acupuncture will help me during the waiting process to try again. It gives me something to focus on. So I have my first appointment tomorrow. I will be sure to document the experience.
Mary
Saturday, August 6, 2011
some ramblings
The MTX injection seems to be doing its job. I went for additional b/w 6dpMTX and my hcg level was 359. This was somewhat expected as my RE indicated that the MTX injection tends to cause an initial increase in the hcg level. They just wanted to see at least a 15% drop within the next couple of days. So I went back for more b/w 8dpMTX and my hcg level was 258. That was music to my ears!! I am scheduled to go back for more b/w 15dpMTX. I am hoping for a super low number ... perhaps double digits?!?
Lions and Tigers and Pimples ... Oh my! I had a feeling my hcg level was decreasing because my face has suddenly turned into the face of a teenage girl. Yuck. I know that my hormones are all over the place but I for one will be glad to get my usual face back. I do not miss the teenage years! Besides the bazillion pimples on my face I have not had too many side effects from the MTX injection. I did have some minor cramping between 6dpMTX and 8dpMTX. I again took this to be a sign that the MTX injection was doing its job. I have also been extremely tired. I think this might be a combination of both my emotional state and the crazy state of my hormones at the moment.
My schoolwork has suffered tremendously over the last several weeks. And I am okay with it. At least I have come to terms with it. My final grade for my current class is not a good one but it is a grade that will allow me to put the class behind me. I will move onto my final class in September and I have vowed to put my full effort into it. I of course am assuming that I am in a better emotional state at that time. I have done a wonderful job over the last four years not letting life negatively impact my schoolwork. This time it all got to be too much. But I think I am allowed one such moment in my lifetime. It is just a grade. I will still graduate and that is all that matters.
I have felt very alone during this entire process. There is no one in my life who understands the emotions that I am feeling surrounding this miscarriage. I am starting to learn that pregnancy loss is a very taboo subject. Approximately 2,000 women suffer a miscarriage each and every day but so often these women suffer in silence. So why do I feel so alone? I think part of it is because Kara and I have been keeping our TTC journey very quiet. There are only a handful of people who even know that we have been trying to get pregnant. And of those people only one person really understands the emotional and physical toll the entire process takes on a person. But then I suffered the miscarriage and I now have no one in my life who understands it all. Though my nearest and dearest friend has done a fabulous job in supporting me. But it all still makes me feel alone. Don't get me wrong ... I am thankful for my the friends and family members who have stood beside us during this extremely bumpy journey. I know I have not been an easy person to be around. However, there is no one that can understand the emptiness and hopelessness I have felt so many days over the past several weeks. It doesn't help that I am still technically pregnant. The emptiness in my heart is unimaginable. I wake up in the morning and tend to forget for just a second. But then it all comes back and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get my butt out of bed. I kept telling myself that I just need to move on. I need to pull up my big girl panties and keep on going. But then one morning I woke up and realized that I need to actually grieve the loss of this pregnancy. So I am trying to do that now. In my own way. And I do feel like I am on the right path now to do just that. I hope that some day I can be there for someone in a similar situation. Because I now know how important it can be to a person.
Mary
Lions and Tigers and Pimples ... Oh my! I had a feeling my hcg level was decreasing because my face has suddenly turned into the face of a teenage girl. Yuck. I know that my hormones are all over the place but I for one will be glad to get my usual face back. I do not miss the teenage years! Besides the bazillion pimples on my face I have not had too many side effects from the MTX injection. I did have some minor cramping between 6dpMTX and 8dpMTX. I again took this to be a sign that the MTX injection was doing its job. I have also been extremely tired. I think this might be a combination of both my emotional state and the crazy state of my hormones at the moment.
My schoolwork has suffered tremendously over the last several weeks. And I am okay with it. At least I have come to terms with it. My final grade for my current class is not a good one but it is a grade that will allow me to put the class behind me. I will move onto my final class in September and I have vowed to put my full effort into it. I of course am assuming that I am in a better emotional state at that time. I have done a wonderful job over the last four years not letting life negatively impact my schoolwork. This time it all got to be too much. But I think I am allowed one such moment in my lifetime. It is just a grade. I will still graduate and that is all that matters.
I have felt very alone during this entire process. There is no one in my life who understands the emotions that I am feeling surrounding this miscarriage. I am starting to learn that pregnancy loss is a very taboo subject. Approximately 2,000 women suffer a miscarriage each and every day but so often these women suffer in silence. So why do I feel so alone? I think part of it is because Kara and I have been keeping our TTC journey very quiet. There are only a handful of people who even know that we have been trying to get pregnant. And of those people only one person really understands the emotional and physical toll the entire process takes on a person. But then I suffered the miscarriage and I now have no one in my life who understands it all. Though my nearest and dearest friend has done a fabulous job in supporting me. But it all still makes me feel alone. Don't get me wrong ... I am thankful for my the friends and family members who have stood beside us during this extremely bumpy journey. I know I have not been an easy person to be around. However, there is no one that can understand the emptiness and hopelessness I have felt so many days over the past several weeks. It doesn't help that I am still technically pregnant. The emptiness in my heart is unimaginable. I wake up in the morning and tend to forget for just a second. But then it all comes back and it takes every ounce of strength I have to get my butt out of bed. I kept telling myself that I just need to move on. I need to pull up my big girl panties and keep on going. But then one morning I woke up and realized that I need to actually grieve the loss of this pregnancy. So I am trying to do that now. In my own way. And I do feel like I am on the right path now to do just that. I hope that some day I can be there for someone in a similar situation. Because I now know how important it can be to a person.
Mary
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