It looks like cycle # 2 is already a bust and I am only on cd 2!
I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning and I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. I guess it is a parting gift from my last cycle. Geez. Thanks. The cyst is measuring 28mm. So ... I have to sit out this month and hope that the cyst disappears on its own. I will go back for another baseline ultrasound at the beginning of my next cycle. It is not uncommon for ovarian cysts to develop when you take an ovarian stimulation medicine such as clomid. I think (and remember I'm not a doctor) that a cyst is basically a fluid filled sac. The cyst develops because (1) the follicle that housed the egg actually seals itself off after releasing the egg or (2) the follicle failed to release an egg and it simply continues to grow. I believe either way the follicle essentially fails to dissolve itself.
There is one thing I am for certain ... this entire process is a test of patience. And I never have patience. So maybe this entire process will be good for me in the long run. I am going to spend the rest of this month just living my life. I think it might actually be good to take a few weeks off from this whole "thinking about getting pregnant 24 hours a day 7 days a week" mentality.
And the best part ... I will be able to drink on my birthday! You do have to look at the little things in life.
So ... until next month ... I bid you farewell.
Mary
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
no such luck
I was hoping we would be one of the lucky ones and get pregnant the first time around. No such luck.
I started testing out my trigger shot 5dpiui. I finally got a negative test on 9dpiui. I have continued to test and never got another positive test. I am 12dpiui today. I tested again both this morning and this afternoon and there is not even a hint of a second line (not even when I stand on my head and hold the test an an angle). I am now just waiting to start my period.
My emotions have been all over the place. I was really optimistic this cycle. And getting a negative test day after day has really gotten me down. I now know why everyone tells you not to test. It is bad news. I've managed to keep my emotions in check through this whole entire process ... until today. I finally allowed myself to have an all out "ugly" cry this afternoon in the shower. I think it helped. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I know that it takes the average couple up to a year to conceive. And I know I am being somewhat selfish in hoping that I am able to get pregnant rather quickly. But this process is so much more invasive then what the typical couple goes through to try and conceive. I have a wonderful partner but I often feel very alone in this process. I understand that when I conceive our child it will be in a sterile examination room. I will probably be alone. And I will probably be uncomfortable. Do you know how hard it is to relax when you are spread eagle on an exam table covered only by a thin sheet of paper? You should try it once! I spend each day of the month worried about what my body is doing. I try to interpret every twinge. Is it a good twinge? Or a bad twinge? I worry that eating the wrong foods or letting myself get too stressed will impact my body in a negative manner. I convince myself that I am pregnant and then five minutes later I get super bummed because I have convinced myself that I'm not pregnant. The entire process is just emotionally draining. And I am scared that it has only just begun. I have several concerns because we went "all out" on this first cycle to up our chances of success. And yet we failed. It is hard not to think in the back of my mind that there will be bigger problems up the road.
It doesn't help that I will be 30 in just a few short weeks. I am really struggling with this as well. I can no longer be pregnant when I am in my 20's. Where has my life gone? I swear I was a teenager only yesterday. The house where I grew-up was located on a busy street. I remember staring out of my bedroom window on many nights just staring out into the darkness and watching the cars drive down the street. I use to wonder "who" I would be as an adult. I wondered if I would ever get a job. I wondered if I would ever have a house. I wondered about the person that I would wake up next to each morning. I wondered about where I would live. But most of all I wondered about my children. Now I am suddenly an adult and I often wish I could go back to the moment in time. It is ironic that as a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. And now I often want nothing more than to be a teenager.
So what is there to do? Nothing. I move on to the next cycle. I allow myself to cry some tears and then I move on with high expectations. I must believe that next month we will be successful. Who knows?
I will leave you all with a quote that a very good friend shared with me the other day. It has stuck with me.
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have."
Mary
I started testing out my trigger shot 5dpiui. I finally got a negative test on 9dpiui. I have continued to test and never got another positive test. I am 12dpiui today. I tested again both this morning and this afternoon and there is not even a hint of a second line (not even when I stand on my head and hold the test an an angle). I am now just waiting to start my period.
My emotions have been all over the place. I was really optimistic this cycle. And getting a negative test day after day has really gotten me down. I now know why everyone tells you not to test. It is bad news. I've managed to keep my emotions in check through this whole entire process ... until today. I finally allowed myself to have an all out "ugly" cry this afternoon in the shower. I think it helped. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I know that it takes the average couple up to a year to conceive. And I know I am being somewhat selfish in hoping that I am able to get pregnant rather quickly. But this process is so much more invasive then what the typical couple goes through to try and conceive. I have a wonderful partner but I often feel very alone in this process. I understand that when I conceive our child it will be in a sterile examination room. I will probably be alone. And I will probably be uncomfortable. Do you know how hard it is to relax when you are spread eagle on an exam table covered only by a thin sheet of paper? You should try it once! I spend each day of the month worried about what my body is doing. I try to interpret every twinge. Is it a good twinge? Or a bad twinge? I worry that eating the wrong foods or letting myself get too stressed will impact my body in a negative manner. I convince myself that I am pregnant and then five minutes later I get super bummed because I have convinced myself that I'm not pregnant. The entire process is just emotionally draining. And I am scared that it has only just begun. I have several concerns because we went "all out" on this first cycle to up our chances of success. And yet we failed. It is hard not to think in the back of my mind that there will be bigger problems up the road.
It doesn't help that I will be 30 in just a few short weeks. I am really struggling with this as well. I can no longer be pregnant when I am in my 20's. Where has my life gone? I swear I was a teenager only yesterday. The house where I grew-up was located on a busy street. I remember staring out of my bedroom window on many nights just staring out into the darkness and watching the cars drive down the street. I use to wonder "who" I would be as an adult. I wondered if I would ever get a job. I wondered if I would ever have a house. I wondered about the person that I would wake up next to each morning. I wondered about where I would live. But most of all I wondered about my children. Now I am suddenly an adult and I often wish I could go back to the moment in time. It is ironic that as a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be an adult. And now I often want nothing more than to be a teenager.
So what is there to do? Nothing. I move on to the next cycle. I allow myself to cry some tears and then I move on with high expectations. I must believe that next month we will be successful. Who knows?
I will leave you all with a quote that a very good friend shared with me the other day. It has stuck with me.
"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have."
Mary
Friday, February 25, 2011
waiting is the hardest part
Okay. I admit it. This waiting is driving me crazy! I thought for sure that I could get through these next couple of weeks without a care in the world. I mean ... what is done is done. It is out of my control. But instead I have been feeling every twinge in my body and trying to determine if a given twinge at any moment is a good thing or a bad thing. I just want to know already!! I have a really good friend who struggled to get pregnant for over two years. I always knew that she was a super strong woman simply for the fact that she had to go above and beyond to just get pregnant. She is now, without a doubt, the strongest woman I have ever met. Kudos!
The hcg trigger shot has not come without any side effects. It never even crossed my mind that I would experience any side effects from the shot. But unfortunately I have experienced quite a bit of nausea over the last few days. I even lost my breakfast on Tuesday morning. That was fun. It is one thing to be nauseous because I am pregnant but it is another thing to be nauseous simply because of the hormones that have been injected into my body. Not fair. Thankfully, the trigger shot should be totally out of my system in the next few days. I have also had quite a bit of abdominal discomfort (not really pain). I think (and remember I am not a doctor) that this is a result of ovulating multiple eggs. The follicle that holds the egg is actually a fluid filled sac. After an egg is released from the follicle the fluid has to go somewhere ... right?. A woman typically only ovulates one egg at a time so it is not common to feel any discomfort. I believe because I released at least four eggs the amount of fluids released from the follicles has caused me some discomfort. The fluid eventually gets reabsorbed by my body and the pain subsides. I had the most discomfort on Tuesday (1dpiui) and Wednesday (2dpiui). This would make sense. The pain has all but disappeared now.
I have also made the decision to test out my trigger shot. I swore up and down that I would not POAS until at least 14dpiui. I lied. I just need to be doing something and this gives me something to do. I know ... I am lame. So I bought some cheap tests on the Internet and I plan to keep myself busy by taking a test each day until I get a negative. Then I will know for sure that the trigger shot has left my body. The I will keep up the marathon until I get another positive :) or until I start my period :(. I am going to hope for the positive!
Mary
The hcg trigger shot has not come without any side effects. It never even crossed my mind that I would experience any side effects from the shot. But unfortunately I have experienced quite a bit of nausea over the last few days. I even lost my breakfast on Tuesday morning. That was fun. It is one thing to be nauseous because I am pregnant but it is another thing to be nauseous simply because of the hormones that have been injected into my body. Not fair. Thankfully, the trigger shot should be totally out of my system in the next few days. I have also had quite a bit of abdominal discomfort (not really pain). I think (and remember I am not a doctor) that this is a result of ovulating multiple eggs. The follicle that holds the egg is actually a fluid filled sac. After an egg is released from the follicle the fluid has to go somewhere ... right?. A woman typically only ovulates one egg at a time so it is not common to feel any discomfort. I believe because I released at least four eggs the amount of fluids released from the follicles has caused me some discomfort. The fluid eventually gets reabsorbed by my body and the pain subsides. I had the most discomfort on Tuesday (1dpiui) and Wednesday (2dpiui). This would make sense. The pain has all but disappeared now.
I have also made the decision to test out my trigger shot. I swore up and down that I would not POAS until at least 14dpiui. I lied. I just need to be doing something and this gives me something to do. I know ... I am lame. So I bought some cheap tests on the Internet and I plan to keep myself busy by taking a test each day until I get a negative. Then I will know for sure that the trigger shot has left my body. The I will keep up the marathon until I get another positive :) or until I start my period :(. I am going to hope for the positive!
Mary
Monday, February 21, 2011
that was romantic
I have been inseminated!
I was doing the post insemination "try not to fall asleep while laying flat on your back for ten minutes" and I couldn't help but imagine my uterus going, "What the hell is this? Who invited them? This is a sperm free zone!" It is a most bizarre feeling.
The procedure itself was super fast. It was so fast that I wasn't even completely naked before the RE busted into the room. I think she was more embarrassed. I am use to people seeing me naked at this point. I mean heck she was going to get all up close in personal in a few minutes anyhow. The procedure itself was rather painless minus the speculum from hell (again). Though I have never seen a speculum with a light attached. That was nifty! I always get humored when a new doctor goes searching for my cervix. They can never find it! It is amusing but in a painful and definitely not fun sort of way. The procedure went as follows ... I confirmed the specimen. I basically just confirmed that the test tube had my SS # and the donor # that I had ordered from the sperm bank. Then the RE took the sample out of the test tube with a syringe. Can I just comment that I was amazed at how small the sample actually is? The RE said that we had a sperm count of 48 million post thaw with 67% motility post thaw. I think this is really good for a frozen sample. The RE then connects this super long catheter to the syringe that is used to bypass my cervix and place the DS directly into my uterus. It took all of 30 seconds. I then spent the next ten minutes laying down and willing my little soldiers to start swimming for the fallopian tubes. Go! Go! Go!
I will now spend the next two weeks overanalyzing every feeling and praying that my period does not show-up. In the meantime, I am going to spend the rest of the day cheering on the boys swimming around in my fallopian tubes!
Say a little prayer!
Mary
I was doing the post insemination "try not to fall asleep while laying flat on your back for ten minutes" and I couldn't help but imagine my uterus going, "What the hell is this? Who invited them? This is a sperm free zone!" It is a most bizarre feeling.
The procedure itself was super fast. It was so fast that I wasn't even completely naked before the RE busted into the room. I think she was more embarrassed. I am use to people seeing me naked at this point. I mean heck she was going to get all up close in personal in a few minutes anyhow. The procedure itself was rather painless minus the speculum from hell (again). Though I have never seen a speculum with a light attached. That was nifty! I always get humored when a new doctor goes searching for my cervix. They can never find it! It is amusing but in a painful and definitely not fun sort of way. The procedure went as follows ... I confirmed the specimen. I basically just confirmed that the test tube had my SS # and the donor # that I had ordered from the sperm bank. Then the RE took the sample out of the test tube with a syringe. Can I just comment that I was amazed at how small the sample actually is? The RE said that we had a sperm count of 48 million post thaw with 67% motility post thaw. I think this is really good for a frozen sample. The RE then connects this super long catheter to the syringe that is used to bypass my cervix and place the DS directly into my uterus. It took all of 30 seconds. I then spent the next ten minutes laying down and willing my little soldiers to start swimming for the fallopian tubes. Go! Go! Go!
I will now spend the next two weeks overanalyzing every feeling and praying that my period does not show-up. In the meantime, I am going to spend the rest of the day cheering on the boys swimming around in my fallopian tubes!
Say a little prayer!
Mary
Sunday, February 20, 2011
always expect the unexpected
I had high hopes for today. I still have high hopes but I also have some extra nervous energy as well.
I went in today for a monitoring appointment (on cd 11). Of course the nurse that scheduled my appointment forgot to actually put the appointment in the computer so they were not expecting me. Oops. This is why I always bring the actual appointment cards with me! The nurse who made the mistake was actually there today and felt horrible about the mistake. However, because I had to be seen today, they were able to get me in right away to see another RE. This was let down #1. I really feel comfortable with the RE that I have been seeing through this process so I was sort of caught off guard with the change in doctors.
The good news. I really ended up liking this other RE. The u/s showed that I have four mature follicles (two follicles on each side). The follicles are measuring at 18mm, 18mm, 19mm, and 20mm. This is a somewhat higher number of mature follicles and as a result I am at an increased risk for multiples. I was a bit shocked that the decision about whether to continue with this cycle was left up to me. I think this is because four follicles is still considered to be a "borderline" number. And of course yesterday I told Kara that there was no reason to come to the appointment with me. I was instantly regretting that decision. I'm a numbers person (duh!) so I immediately asked the RE to provide me with the statistics. It comes down to the fact that statistically I have a 5% chance of triplets and a less than 1% chance of quads. There are also several other factors involved including my age (I am 29. Not young but also not of an advanced maternal age.) and the frozen DS (we will not know the official numbers until the day of the insemination). Both of these factors lower my risk of multiples just a bit. So I did what any other person would do in this situation and I asked the RE, "What would you do?" So ... after what seemed like hours (it was actually only a couple of minutes) we have decided to proceed with the IUI. I had to make an immediate decision because unfortunately there is no stop button for ovulation. That would be nice. I would at least like a pause button of some sort. So the nurse gave me my HCG trigger shot before I left (my ass felt it big time) that will cause me to ovulate in the next 24 to 36 hours and I am scheduled for the IUI tomorrow morning. Yikes!
I really feel as if we have made the right decision to proceed. I think I would have had more regrets in the long run had I thrown in the towel on this cycle. I also saw the doctor in the hallway as I was leaving and he reassured me that I had made a good decision. This helped a bit. Kara and I knew that there would be a lot of unknowns in this grand adventure but I never knew how heavily these unknowns would weigh on my mind.
Then again ... two weeks from now I could start my period and these fears will be long forgotten. Oh the crazy world we live in.
Mary
I went in today for a monitoring appointment (on cd 11). Of course the nurse that scheduled my appointment forgot to actually put the appointment in the computer so they were not expecting me. Oops. This is why I always bring the actual appointment cards with me! The nurse who made the mistake was actually there today and felt horrible about the mistake. However, because I had to be seen today, they were able to get me in right away to see another RE. This was let down #1. I really feel comfortable with the RE that I have been seeing through this process so I was sort of caught off guard with the change in doctors.
The good news. I really ended up liking this other RE. The u/s showed that I have four mature follicles (two follicles on each side). The follicles are measuring at 18mm, 18mm, 19mm, and 20mm. This is a somewhat higher number of mature follicles and as a result I am at an increased risk for multiples. I was a bit shocked that the decision about whether to continue with this cycle was left up to me. I think this is because four follicles is still considered to be a "borderline" number. And of course yesterday I told Kara that there was no reason to come to the appointment with me. I was instantly regretting that decision. I'm a numbers person (duh!) so I immediately asked the RE to provide me with the statistics. It comes down to the fact that statistically I have a 5% chance of triplets and a less than 1% chance of quads. There are also several other factors involved including my age (I am 29. Not young but also not of an advanced maternal age.) and the frozen DS (we will not know the official numbers until the day of the insemination). Both of these factors lower my risk of multiples just a bit. So I did what any other person would do in this situation and I asked the RE, "What would you do?" So ... after what seemed like hours (it was actually only a couple of minutes) we have decided to proceed with the IUI. I had to make an immediate decision because unfortunately there is no stop button for ovulation. That would be nice. I would at least like a pause button of some sort. So the nurse gave me my HCG trigger shot before I left (my ass felt it big time) that will cause me to ovulate in the next 24 to 36 hours and I am scheduled for the IUI tomorrow morning. Yikes!
I really feel as if we have made the right decision to proceed. I think I would have had more regrets in the long run had I thrown in the towel on this cycle. I also saw the doctor in the hallway as I was leaving and he reassured me that I had made a good decision. This helped a bit. Kara and I knew that there would be a lot of unknowns in this grand adventure but I never knew how heavily these unknowns would weigh on my mind.
Then again ... two weeks from now I could start my period and these fears will be long forgotten. Oh the crazy world we live in.
Mary
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