no such luck

I was hoping we would be one of the lucky ones and get pregnant the first time around.  No such luck. 

I started testing out my trigger shot 5dpiui.  I finally got a negative test on 9dpiui.  I have continued to test and never got another positive test.  I am 12dpiui today.  I tested again both this morning and this afternoon and there is not even a hint of a second line (not even when I stand on my head and hold the test an an angle).  I am now just waiting to start my period.     

My emotions have been all over the place.  I was really optimistic this cycle.  And getting a negative test day after day has really gotten me down.  I now know why everyone tells you not to test.  It is bad news.  I've managed to keep my emotions in check through this whole entire process ... until today.  I finally allowed myself to have an all out "ugly" cry this afternoon in the shower.  I think it helped.  I don't want people to get the wrong impression.  I know that it takes the average couple up to a year to conceive.  And I know I am being somewhat selfish in hoping that I am able to get pregnant rather quickly.  But this process is so much more invasive then what the typical couple goes through to try and conceive.  I have a wonderful partner but I often feel very alone in this process.  I understand that when I conceive our child it will be in a sterile examination room.  I will probably be alone.  And I will probably be uncomfortable.  Do you know how hard it is to relax when you are spread eagle on an exam table covered only by a thin sheet of paper?  You should try it once!  I spend each day of the month worried about what my body is doing.  I try to interpret every twinge.  Is it a good twinge?  Or a bad twinge?  I worry that eating the wrong foods or letting myself get too stressed will impact my body in a negative manner.  I convince myself that I am pregnant and then five minutes later I get super bummed because I have convinced myself that I'm not pregnant.  The entire process is just emotionally draining.  And I am scared that it has only just begun.  I have several concerns because we went "all out" on this first cycle to up our chances of success.  And yet we failed.  It is hard not to think in the back of my mind that there will be bigger problems up the road. 

It doesn't help that I will be 30 in just a few short weeks.  I am really struggling with this as well.  I can no longer be pregnant when I am in my 20's.  Where has my life gone?  I swear I was a teenager only yesterday.  The house where I grew-up was located on a busy street.  I remember staring out of my bedroom window on many nights just staring out into the darkness and watching the cars drive down the street.  I use to wonder "who" I would be as an adult.  I wondered if I would ever get a job.  I wondered if I would ever have a house.  I wondered about the person that I would wake up next to each morning.  I wondered about where I would live.  But most of all I wondered about my children.  Now I am suddenly an adult and I often wish I could go back to the moment in time.  It is ironic that as a teenager I wanted nothing more than to be an adult.  And now I often want nothing more than to be a teenager.         

So what is there to do?  Nothing.  I move on to the next cycle.  I allow myself to cry some tears and then I move on with high expectations.  I must believe that next month we will be successful.  Who knows?

I will leave you all with a quote that a very good friend shared with me the other day.  It has stuck with me.

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice that you have."

Mary