letting go

I am sure some will think this is being a bit dramatic but I am entitled to a dramatic moment every once in a while.

I stood in the kitchen this morning with tears streaming down my face.  A big deal for someone who rarely sheds any tears.  I started crying after I looked at Kara and said, "It's time to wean them off of breast milk."  And even now as I write those words I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I do not fully understand these emotions.  I absolutely hate pumping.  It is my least favorite thing in the world.  But the thought of no longer providing breast milk to the boys is really doing a number on my emotional well-being.  I have spent the entire day thinking about the situation.  I think these emotions exist for a number of reasons.

I am somewhat unwillingly putting an end to giving the boys breast milk.  I recently started in a new position at work and I was told in a meeting with my supervisor yesterday that I was not putting in enough work hours.  Ouch.  I was reminded during the meeting that the time I am given to pump is on my "own time" meaning I need to use my break time or my lunch hour to pump.  I never do this because I have to go home at lunch in order for Kara to let the dogs out to pee and in order to drop off milk.  This comment frustrated me.  I do not have an office at work.  Therefore, I am required to pump in a "quiet room" where I do not have computer access and therefore I cannot work during a pumping session.  There are other "pumping" mothers in my office who do have an office and therefore they can continue to work while they pump.  So "pumping" time is not done during their lunch breaks.  Not fair.  Needless to say I left that meeting in tears.  My career is so important.  I have worked hard to climb-up the corporate ladder and I never want to appear as if I am taking "advantage" of my position.  I work hard.  I always get my work done.  I often do more on accident at work than others do on purpose.  Unfortunately, Kara and I work split shifts so it is impossible for me to just stay a bit later during the day to make-up my "pumping" time.  I have to leave work on-time or Kara will be late to work.  I know that we do not absolutely need both of our incomes to survive in this world but because our relationship is not recognized by the government we get penalized a great deal with taxes each year and we would get taxed if I were to put Kara on my health insurance.  I am greatly appreciative of all that my company has done for me over the last year.  I do not want to come across as ungrateful.  That's why this meeting with my supervisor was the ultimate reason I made the decision to begin the weaning process this morning.    

But I never expected to start crying when I told Kara of my decision this morning.  It could have partly been because I tossed and turned all night.  So I was a bit sleep deprived.  But ultimately I am mourning the loss of providing such a valuable resource to my little boys.  It is becoming more and more likely that Kara and I will not have any more children.  And so my heart is in a million little pieces that I may never get the opportunity to actually breast feed.  I so want to experience breast feeding.  I regret not putting in more of an effort to try breast feeding with Jakob and Alex.  I will never get that opportunity again.  I also struggle with feeling as if I am "no longer needed" and that Jakob and Alex could now survive just fine without me.  I have always been needed to keep them both growing big and strong.  Once I stop being the one to provide them with the bulk of their nutritional needs I am really no longer a necessity in the relationship.  That will take some adjustment.   

So Jakob and Alex ... Please know that I gave it my best shot.  In the long run I was able to provide you with almost all breast milk for nine months.  Your health is so important to me.  And I think all that I was able to provide to you has helped you get through a crazy flu season.  But I also know that I have to look at the big picture.  It is time for us to change the dynamics of our relationship.  You are both getting so big!  I am so proud of all you have accomplished in just the last couple of weeks.  Your Mommy and I spend all day chasing you around now and we love every minute of it.  Please know that your Mommy and I work hard every day to make sure you have everything you need in this world.  And we promise to continue to do that forever and ever.   

See?  I told you I was emotional.

Mary