letting go

I am sure some will think this is being a bit dramatic but I am entitled to a dramatic moment every once in a while.

I stood in the kitchen this morning with tears streaming down my face.  A big deal for someone who rarely sheds any tears.  I started crying after I looked at Kara and said, "It's time to wean them off of breast milk."  And even now as I write those words I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I do not fully understand these emotions.  I absolutely hate pumping.  It is my least favorite thing in the world.  But the thought of no longer providing breast milk to the boys is really doing a number on my emotional well-being.  I have spent the entire day thinking about the situation.  I think these emotions exist for a number of reasons.

I am somewhat unwillingly putting an end to giving the boys breast milk.  I recently started in a new position at work and I was told in a meeting with my supervisor yesterday that I was not putting in enough work hours.  Ouch.  I was reminded during the meeting that the time I am given to pump is on my "own time" meaning I need to use my break time or my lunch hour to pump.  I never do this because I have to go home at lunch in order for Kara to let the dogs out to pee and in order to drop off milk.  This comment frustrated me.  I do not have an office at work.  Therefore, I am required to pump in a "quiet room" where I do not have computer access and therefore I cannot work during a pumping session.  There are other "pumping" mothers in my office who do have an office and therefore they can continue to work while they pump.  So "pumping" time is not done during their lunch breaks.  Not fair.  Needless to say I left that meeting in tears.  My career is so important.  I have worked hard to climb-up the corporate ladder and I never want to appear as if I am taking "advantage" of my position.  I work hard.  I always get my work done.  I often do more on accident at work than others do on purpose.  Unfortunately, Kara and I work split shifts so it is impossible for me to just stay a bit later during the day to make-up my "pumping" time.  I have to leave work on-time or Kara will be late to work.  I know that we do not absolutely need both of our incomes to survive in this world but because our relationship is not recognized by the government we get penalized a great deal with taxes each year and we would get taxed if I were to put Kara on my health insurance.  I am greatly appreciative of all that my company has done for me over the last year.  I do not want to come across as ungrateful.  That's why this meeting with my supervisor was the ultimate reason I made the decision to begin the weaning process this morning.    

But I never expected to start crying when I told Kara of my decision this morning.  It could have partly been because I tossed and turned all night.  So I was a bit sleep deprived.  But ultimately I am mourning the loss of providing such a valuable resource to my little boys.  It is becoming more and more likely that Kara and I will not have any more children.  And so my heart is in a million little pieces that I may never get the opportunity to actually breast feed.  I so want to experience breast feeding.  I regret not putting in more of an effort to try breast feeding with Jakob and Alex.  I will never get that opportunity again.  I also struggle with feeling as if I am "no longer needed" and that Jakob and Alex could now survive just fine without me.  I have always been needed to keep them both growing big and strong.  Once I stop being the one to provide them with the bulk of their nutritional needs I am really no longer a necessity in the relationship.  That will take some adjustment.   

So Jakob and Alex ... Please know that I gave it my best shot.  In the long run I was able to provide you with almost all breast milk for nine months.  Your health is so important to me.  And I think all that I was able to provide to you has helped you get through a crazy flu season.  But I also know that I have to look at the big picture.  It is time for us to change the dynamics of our relationship.  You are both getting so big!  I am so proud of all you have accomplished in just the last couple of weeks.  Your Mommy and I spend all day chasing you around now and we love every minute of it.  Please know that your Mommy and I work hard every day to make sure you have everything you need in this world.  And we promise to continue to do that forever and ever.   

See?  I told you I was emotional.

Mary     

9 month stats

Jakob

Weight: 17 lbs 4 oz (4th percentile)
Length: 26.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)

Alex

Weight: 16 lbs 15 oz (3rd percentile)
Length: 27 inches (7th percentile)

Mary

love

My new favorite thing in this world is the kisses I get from Jakob and Alex each day.  Yep.  My boys have both learned how to give kisses.  Jakob figured it out last week.  It was only a few days of wide open mouth slobbery kisses before he actually learned how to pucker his lips.  Now all you have to do is pucker your lips and say "Jakob kiss" and he more than obliges to your request.  Sometimes I think he is thinking, "Not again Momma."  Jakob also loves to give any object a kiss.  He does not discriminate.  A ball.  Lots of kisses.  His Eeyore stuffed animal.  Lots of kisses.  His brother Alex.  Lots of kisses.  It is the best.  Alex just figured out kisses this week.  But what's better is that Alex still does the open mouth slobber kiss.  Love it!!!  And you can tell that Alex is giving a lot of thought to his kisses.  Seriously these kisses ... my favorite aspect so far of being a parent.  I wish I could bottle up the emotions I feel each time I get a kiss from my boys.   

Mary

this was easy once

We take pictures of the boys each month.  Here are some from today ...

Alex: "You want to take our picture?"

Jakob: "Wait.  The cat just moved ... Did you see that Alex?"
Alex: "I can't concentrate.  I ate too much at lunch."

Jakob: "Haha.  The cat jumped off the couch."
Alex: "You are easily amused."

Jakob: "Wait.  I see a leftover puff in your mouth.  Can I have it?"

Jakob: "Yep.  I made him cry.  Whatcha going to do about it?"

Mary

9 months

It's getting harder and harder to find time to write in this blog.  I often find myself shrugging it off.  There are better things to do.  There are things to do that require a lot less brain power.  I could be sitting in front of the television.  Or making a "honey do" list for the new house.  Or I could take a nice long bath.  Oh.  That sounds nice.  I just realize I have not had a bath since the boys were born.  Okay.  Off topic.  But then I start to look back through the blog and I am simply stunned by how many "things" I have forgotten over the past two years.  And well that's all the motivation it takes.  I really want the boys to be able to look back some day and see all that we got to experience together as a family. 

The boys are 9 months old (tomorrow).

Jakob - Jakob has mastered the army crawl.  He can drag his 16 lb body from one end of the living room to the other end of the living room in just about 10 seconds.  His motivation is always the kitchen.  Why?  Because that's where the dogs hang-out.  Jakob loves to stand at the gate and just laugh and laugh at the dogs.  Jakob has started to babble a lot.  He is very content sitting in the Pack N Play and just "talking" to himself for long periods of time.  He has mastered "Da-Da", "Ma-Ma" and "Ba-Ba".  Jakob still loves to spend time in the Jumperoo.  But only if he is really tired.  Otherwise he would rather be a moving and a shaking.  Jakob is getting great at standing at the Baby Einstein Activity Table.  There is a box on the table with a lid and Jakob loves to open and close the lid and stick toys in the box.  I really think Jakob is becoming quite the little thinker.  He will turn an object over in his hands again and again and again just to try and figure it out.  Jakob is also slowly starting to figure out books.  He of course loves to chew on the books but he is starting to understanding "turning the pages".  Jakob still likes to watch the Baby Einstein video on occasion but it really becoming a rarity these days.  Jakob is a master sitter too.  They do not fall over much these days.

  
Alex - I don't think Alex is going to do an army crawl.  He is days away from crawling.  He can get himself up on all fours and he is really good at rocking back and forth.  But then poor Alex tries to move forward.  His goal is always a toy.  Mr. Alex gets that toy in sight and he summons up the momentum he needs to get moving and then ... he promptly moves backwards.  And then he cries because all the energy and determination has only caused him to get further away from the toy.  My poor little man.  Alex is still not really making any sounds.  Other than screaming.  Oh!  We have a master "screamer" on our hands.  Alex screams when he is happy.  Alex screams when he is sad.  Alex screams when he is tired.  Alex screams when he is hungry.  Yep.  He just likes to scream.  And the best part ... Kara and I can identify what the screams mean.  Alex laughs more and more these days but he is still Mr. Serious.  Alex is not fearful of much.  He loves for you to do a "pretend drop" and he will even stiffen up his legs when you try to sit him on the ground because he wants you to keep playing.  

We still have really great sleepers on our hands.  The boys are doing better at napping during the day.  I think this is because both boys are much more active during awake times.  They tend to nap for at least an hour around 9:30am and 1:30pm.  We still have a bedtime of about 6:45pm each night.  I keep telling myself that I am going to extend bedtime by about 5 minutes each night so we can get closer to a bedtime of 7pm or 7:30pm.  But nope.  Each night by 6:00pm the boys are in full meltdown mode.  All they want is their bottle and their pajamas.  Most nights the boys are sound asleep before I even leave the nursery.  They still get up 1x per night to take a bottle.  Do they really need to get up?  Probably not.  But because I am still pumping in the middle of the night and it only takes 15 minutes to give them a bottle and change their diapers Kara and I still just continue to do what works.  I just don't want to go back to sleep and be forced to wake-up 1 hour later. 

Jakob is starting to show signs of teething.  He is fussy from time to time.  But we still don't have any teeth.  Alex still has his bottom two teeth ... "Clyde" and "Ainsworth" ... yep we named his teeth.  He does not show signs of any other teeth at the moment.

We still have some really good eaters.  The boys get 3 solid meals a day (9am, 1pm, 5pm).  We tend to do a "cereal" and a fruit at breakfast in addition to some finger foods.  The boys have tried waffles, pancakes and eggs.  The boys get a meat, vegetable, and fruit at lunch.  They usually have a Baby Mum Mum or graham cracker at lunch.  Then at dinner I usually give them another vegetable and then some yogurt.  Then they either get some Puffs or yogurt melts.  Jakob is really struggling with the bottle.  He is drinking between 20 - 25 oz of breast milk per day.  Alex will typically drink at least 25 oz of breast milk a day.  Jakob never seems hungry though.  He is just starting to become very disinterested in the milk.  Jakob has mastered the sippy cup (w/ a straw) and on occasion I will try to get him to drink some milk in the sippy cup.  He is usually not interested.  Jakob really likes water in the sippy cup.  Alex still wants nothing to do with the sippy cup.  Though he does love to toss it on the ground!  This always makes our dog Leo jump about 5 feet in the air.  Alex does great with his bottles and will usually down it each time with no problems.  The boys are offered 5 oz of breast milk at 7:30am, 11am, 3pm, 6:30pm and 3:30am.  I am still pumping 4 times per day.  I said I was going to drop to 3 times per day at 9 months but now I'm not so sure.  I really think my supply is going to take a nosedive when I drop another pump.  So I am hesitant.  Heck.  Because they boys are not drinking as much milk these days I am even back to the point of needing to freeze milk.  Whoa.   

They boys have their 9 month pediatrician appointment on February 20th.  I am excited to see how big they both have gotten.  And this is the no shot appointment!!!

Mary

eating habits

We have started to notice some changes in eating habits around these parts.  And of course because we have "little men" I always get paranoid that the boys are not getting enough to eat.  But I know in reality they are probably doing just fine.  Jakob is on a "bottle strike" and is only drinking about 20 oz oz a day.  Alex is usually on target with the bottle and will drink about 25 oz a day.  I'm just worried Jakob is not getting enough "good" to eat.  But at the same time it could be completely normal.  I just can't really find a clear answer.  Are they eating too much solid food??  I don't know.  Perhaps?  The boys are both increasing the amount of solid food they eat at each meal.  And everything I read indicates to follow your kids lead in the solid food department.  They eat between 3.5 oz - 5.0 oz at each meal and we eat solid food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Jakob will ALWAYS eat solid foods at each sitting.  He literally just sits with his mouth open and waits for us to shovel it in.  We do give bottles before each meal because we want the breast milk to be the main source of nutrition.  I got paranoid last night because Jakob only took 2 oz of breast milk before bed.  I thought for sure he would wake-up in two hours and demand some food.  Nope.  Not a peep.  Alex is hit or miss with the solid food.  There are times that he goes to town and other times he sits with his jaw clinched shut.  We are also working on introducing the boys to different textures.  Outside of the typical purees the boys have eaten pancakes, graham crackers, noodles, and steamed vegetables.  I think Alex is more inclined to want to feed himself.  Jakob on the other hand gets frustrated and would rather someone just shovel it in for him.  I think we are going to drop bottle feeds from 5 times a day to 4 times a day.  This might help.  The only good thing in regards to the bottle strike ... there is plenty of breast milk to go around!!  The boys have not had any formula for a week.  And they most they have gotten in any one day since they were born is 5 oz.  This still makes me really happy.  Also Jakob is getting really good with a straw sippy cup.  He can drink out of it like a champ.  Alex ... not so much.  He likes to play with the sippy cup but that's about it.  I think the bottle strike is impacting me too because I feel like my baby boys are getting further and further away from the baby stage and closer and closer to the toddler stage.  I'm not ready.  At all.

And now for some cuteness ...

And did I mention we officially have a crawler in the house??  

Mary  

we make tupperware cool

Jakob

Alex

Do you agree??

Mary