So it's been awhile. And unfortunately I am still waiting around for my period to show up. It is frustrating to have zero idea as to when I can expect it to arrive. I guess I was spoiled for always having a super regular cycle. I could almost always predict, to the hour, as to when my period would show-up. Not so much at the moment. I'm also not having any of the normal symptoms that would give me an indication as to when my period should show-up. So that makes it even more frustrating. I typically get a lower backache a few days before my period is to start. The backache usually only lasts a day. Not this time. I have had a lower backache since this past Friday. But no period. I really just think my hormones are still all over the place. I'm just so ready to get this show back on the road.
The past few weeks have actually been really good. Shocker! The last few days have been an exception but I will address that in a bit. I have been really focused on enjoying life. It has helped that our weather has been really beautiful. I have been doing my best to focus only on getting myself in the best physical and mental state as possible. I continue to go to acupuncture on a weekly basis. And I look forward to my appointment each week. It is an hour completely focused on improving my overall well-being. And I think it has helped me tremendously. I do not have any negative opinions on acupuncture as a whole and I would recommend my acupuncturist to any one without hesitation. She is super friendly and it is obvious how much she believes in the power of acupuncture. And I'm starting to believe too. Even if it is really only providing some sort of placebo impact at the moment. That is fine with me. Kara and I have also been really focused on eating as healthy as possible and we have been walking every single night. There have even been a few days where I have gone on two walks in a single day. I am proud of us. This means we have been walking between 2 miles and 4 miles a day. I've also managed to not lose any more weight. This is a good thing in my case. I always lose weight when I am stressed and we all know that is not the way a person should lose weight. My weight has been hovering around 110lbs and I do not want it to drop any lower. My ideal weight at the moment would be around 115lbs. I just know I need some meat on my bones! So all in all things have been going as good as can be expected. Though I do feel the nervousness starting to creep up on me as we get closer and closer to cycling once again.
So now for the not so good ... I've debated several times over the past few days as to whether or not I wanted to talk about this "issue" in my blog. I try to limit my blog to only those events related to our trying to conceive journey. However, as the blog title indicates, this is my blog! And to be honest there is no other place where I can communicate my feelings at the moment. So. To the few family members that read my blog. You might want to stop reading at this point.
I do not have a good relationship with my twin brother. Our relationship deteriorated when we became adults. We started to put some distance between us. This is understandable as we were both trying to find our place in the world. But then the distance grew even more after my twin brother found out I was gay. It really did not bother me in the beginning. I mean it took me half my life to understand my sexuality. I never expected any one in my family to be comfortable with it over night. I have also been clear from the beginning that I do not expect any one to agree with how I live my life. I only want people to treat me with respect. I will give the same respect in return. I gave all of my family members time to deal with the revelation. However, my other family members, unlike my brother, kept open lines of communication with me regarding their questions and concerns. So over time my sexuality became a nonexistent issue. They have treated Kara with only love and respect since she came into my life. And we must remember that Kara has been in my life for almost six years. My twin brother is a different story. Please remember that the following thoughts are my own. I have reached out on numerous occasions and asked us to have an open dialogue regarding his concerns. On the last occasion I tried to reach out I was told to never bring up my sexuality again. My twin brother has the "perfect family" and unfortunately "a gay" sister ruins that picture perfect family. You know? The family with the white picket fence. The perfect little boy. The two professionals who make a lot of money. The good Christians. Yep. The gayness ruins it all. I also think that my bother irrationally blames Kara for "turning me gay". That just means that all those other girls in the past. Yeah. Those must have just been a phase. Anyhow .... My twin brother shows zero respect to Kara. They have only conversed on a few occasions. And typically that is my brother asking Kara to help him do something. You see ... when my brother needs help with something ... that's when Kara and I exist in his world. Otherwise. The only other words ever exchanged between my brother and Kara was a "good-bye" that came a few months ago. And part of me thinks that was a mistake. Needless to say Kara is basically a wallflower whenever we are at a family event. Kara is never invited to any events hosted by my brother. Not only is she never invited but if an invitation has been sent announcing an event I always get a follow-up e-mail from my brother that makes certain I understand that Kara is not invited. Thanks. Because you know us lesbians are idiots. Well ... my nephew is celebrating his first birthday next week. My nephew is the love of my life. I make an effort to see him every week when he is at my parent's house. My world would crumble without him in it. Of course all these feelings with my brother have risen to the surface because I received a birthday invitation (only addressed to me) and a subsequent e-mail from my brother to clarify that Kara was not invited to the party. This nonsense has gone on long enough. And I'm at a point in my life where I have to make some tough decisions. And I am stuck in the middle. I have my nephew on one side. I have my parents (and other family members) on one side. And I have the love of my life on another side. I am selfish in the fact that I want them all to be a part of my life. I believe I am finally ready to let my brother go. Even typing that is difficult. But I am terrified of the consequences. I cannot imagine my life without my nephew. I'm not even sure that I could survive a life without him at the moment. But I also made a promise to Kara. I love her with all my heart. And I need to take a stand for the disrespect being shown to her at the moment. I also refuse to subject my children to the bigotry being show by my twin brother. The entire situation makes me sad. The entire situation makes me confused. I do not know what to do. And it is tearing apart my heart at the moment.
Mary
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