this is hard

BFN.

To be honest I have been dealing with the impending bad news for a few days now so this morning when I found out with all certainty that this cycle failed I was not completely crushed.  I actually feel a bit relieved.  However, the past few days have been a completely different story.  I knew that a BFN was inevitable as I had been getting negative HPTs for the past several days.  So over the past few days I was completely numb to the emotions but I could not shut off my brain.  The simplest of tasks proved to be too complicated.  I even turned down the wrong street while going to my parent's house one afternoon last week.  I did not want to talk to a single person.  It was super difficult to be at work.  I even for the first time had a hard time being around my really good friend at work who is pregnant.  I just felt crushed.  And for the first time I started to feel as if this would never happen.  I would never be pregnant.  I think I am just coming to terms with the fact that this journey is going to be a bit more difficult than I originally anticipated.  I never in a million years thought that I would still not be pregnant in June.  But I am also trying to think of the positive aspects.  I am so glad that we started this journey being as aggressive as possible.  And I will continue to think in that mindset.  I think too how much time we could have possibly wasted had Kara and I decided to try on our own before seeking out medical interventions.  I am also so blessed to have a really good friend in my life who has been on a similar journey.  The knowledge she has given to me cannot be replaced.  I also feel as if I have found a good RE.  I think she will be willing to listen to my concerns about these past failures and I also think she will be as aggressive as Kara and I chose to be.  But even with these positive aspects I can't help but feel the anxiety creeping over me at all hours of the day.  I toss and turn at night.  My appetite ebbs and flows with my moods.  I have a hard time concentrating on the tasks that need to get done each day.  But I also know that I will get pregnant.  And I will have a baby.  It just might not be on my own timeline.  And I have to respect that  a greater plan exists for me.  So our next steps ...  ??

I will call the RE next week to set-up an appointment to discuss our options from this point forward.  I know that our current plan of action needs to be reevaluated.  I know that something needs to be changed.  I do not think that I will attempt to cycle this month as it would be inevitable that I have a cyst as a result of the medicated cycle.  It has happened every other time.  So instead I would like to develop a new plan of action and be ready to go on my next cycle.  I know my RE is out of the office this coming week so I am crossing my fingers that it does not take too long to get an appointment.  So that is where I am at this morning.  I am sad.  I am confused.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I am positive.  It is a wide range of emotions that seems to change each and every moment of the day.

Mary