meltdown

I had a complete and total meltdown yesterday afternoon.  It was really bizarre.  Let me try to explain.

I am still in school.  I had this wonderful idea a few years ago to go back to school to finish my accounting degree.  I thought it would get me further in my job.  I was actually promised that it would get me further in my job.  However, at this point it does not appear that this degree will ever really help me in my job.  The good news ... my company pays for me to go back to school so outside of paying for textbooks it does not cost me a whole lot to take any classes.  The only downside is the rate at which I can complete these classes.  I only get reimbursed for a few classes a year.  So this process has been slow.  Well ... I am only two classes away from finishing my degree but I am completely 100% over school.  The horrible part ... I hate accounting.  I should have remembered that this was the reason I did not initially complete this degree while I was completing my mathematics degree.  Duh!?!  It is a challenge for me to take the time each week to complete assignments and study.  I get frustrated because I work all week and then I am forced to spend my weekends doing work for school.  Anyhow I got super angry yesterday.  I started to do some homework and I could not figure out the assignment.  And I totally lost it.  All I wanted to do was cry but I could not find any tears.  I was so angry.  My heart was beating fast.  I was sweating.  I wanted to hit someone so bad.  I was throwing stuff.  I finally went and took a shower because I was seriously scared out of my mind.  I thought I would say something to Kara that I would never be able to take back.  Not that I was an angel.  I was really mean to her.  She was the angel.  The cold shower helped a ton.  It calmed me down.  I even took a nap after the shower.  Sometimes going to sleep is my only escape.  Things were better after the nap.  And then I started thinking about the meltdown.  I think it had a lot less to do with school and more to do with just frustrations with life in general.  I never really mourned my last BFN.  I just tossed it under the rug and moved on with life.  And now it is starting to get close to trying again and I am scared out of my freaking mind.  I am actually terrified.  I want it to work so bad and I am scared of it not working ... again.  So really I think that is what caused my meltdown yesterday.  I'm just plain scared.

It doesn't help that I got some bad news on Friday.  I have had some very negative feelings towards a pregnant coworker.  These feelings were clear in a few previous posts.  I learned on Friday that she had a missed miscarriage.  She went to her first OB appointment and got the bad news.  I felt like the crappiest person in the world.  I was able to talk to another coworker (also a very close friend who has been mentioned in several previous posts) and she does not feel as if my initial feelings were out of line.  I kept thinking (irrationally) that I caused this miscarriage.  I know my anger towards this coworker existed for several reasons.  However, it never existed because I did not want her to have a child.  All new life is wonderful.  It existed because I was jealous.  But more than anything it existed because I knew what could happen and I made snappy comments in order to deal with the fact that this pregnancy could have a negative outcome and I did not appreciate that she was telling the whole world she was pregnant before she had an OB appointment.  And then when I did learn the news about the miscarriage I got even more scared.  Even if I do get pregnant who is to say that I will stay pregnant.  So that added even more fear into the equation.  This whole process is horrible and wonderful all at the same time.  I think all of these emotions lead to my outburst on Sunday.  I just didn't know what to do with all of my emotions.

I said many different prayers this weekend.  I know that I need to work on my jealousy.  It is a horrible trait I have found myself developing in recent months and I know that it needs to go away.  I hope my prayers were heard and I hope that someone is watching over my coworker.  I cannot imagine the pain.