And so it begins again. I had my baseline u/s today. And all is good. No cysts!! We have been given the green light to cycle again this month. And I am actually hopeful this month. I feel super relaxed. I think it helps that no one knows that we are cycling this month. We have decided to keep it a secret and I cannot tell you how much pressure that takes off of my shoulders. I do have two very close friends that know we are trying again this month but that’s only because they are my biggest support system. I need to complain to someone and sometimes I feel like Kara gets the brunt of it. So I try to spread the “love” around a bit. Plus they always know what to say to me at just the right times. The appointment today was straightforward. I’m starting to feel like a regular at the office and let me just mention that I do not like this at all. They should not know my name when I walk in the front door. Not cool. At the same time I feel as if I just glide through the appointments without any effort. There really is not a whole lot of conversation that needs to take place any longer. I know the drill. My motto has become “wham, bam, thank you m’am”. I don’t even know why I bother showering before I go to these appointments. I have no one to impress. That is for sure! The only downside to the appointment today was the stinking traffic. I was not impressed with having to find alternate routes to get to my appointment on time. I do not need the stress. So anyhow the process will remain the same this month. I will again be only taking 25mg of clomid this month. That dosage seemed to give me two nice mature follicles which is exactly what I would like to have each time we try. If the stars aligned just perfectly I know that Kara and I could definitely be able to handle twins but we would struggle with more than two babies. Plus I am of a small stature (okay I’m super short and only 5’0” on a very good day) to begin with so we really would not want the extra pressure of multiples being put on my body. I know our chances are slim for even twins but we just don’t want to take the chance with more than two mature follicles. Even though in the back of my mind I keep thinking we didn’t even manage to get pregnant when I did have four follicles. But I am pushing those thoughts out of my mind this month. It is only happy thoughts from this point forward.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
can I use a different credit card?
These were my words to the sperm bank yesterday when the woman on the phone asked if I would like to use the credit card that was already on file at the office to complete my purchase. This was also the moment when I realized once again how expensive it is to make a baby! But then I hung-up the phone and something really cool happened ... I got excited! "Hello Miss Excitement! Where have you been the last couple of months??" I am marking down the days on my calendar and waiting in anxious anticipation for my period to start. It is completely bizarre that I go month to month alternating between the thoughts ... "I will give the homeless guy on the corner a $1,000 if there is no blood on the toilet paper when I go to the bathroom" and "Why is the damn toilet paper so white? Go team red!". And people wonder why I'm an emotional wreck!?! Anyhow ... we have decided to give Captain America a couple more "at bats" before we send him down to the minor leagues. I really like Captain America but I will be damned if I keep paying $410 (+ shipping) a vial for a poor performer. Plus it is much easier to blame our failure on some random guy I don't know then it is to blame our failure on me and my rotten old eggs. I mean ... I'm perfect (okay Kara stop rolling your eyes). So now we wait for my friend to show-up.
Mary
Mary
Monday, May 16, 2011
meltdown
I had a complete and total meltdown yesterday afternoon. It was really bizarre. Let me try to explain.
I am still in school. I had this wonderful idea a few years ago to go back to school to finish my accounting degree. I thought it would get me further in my job. I was actually promised that it would get me further in my job. However, at this point it does not appear that this degree will ever really help me in my job. The good news ... my company pays for me to go back to school so outside of paying for textbooks it does not cost me a whole lot to take any classes. The only downside is the rate at which I can complete these classes. I only get reimbursed for a few classes a year. So this process has been slow. Well ... I am only two classes away from finishing my degree but I am completely 100% over school. The horrible part ... I hate accounting. I should have remembered that this was the reason I did not initially complete this degree while I was completing my mathematics degree. Duh!?! It is a challenge for me to take the time each week to complete assignments and study. I get frustrated because I work all week and then I am forced to spend my weekends doing work for school. Anyhow I got super angry yesterday. I started to do some homework and I could not figure out the assignment. And I totally lost it. All I wanted to do was cry but I could not find any tears. I was so angry. My heart was beating fast. I was sweating. I wanted to hit someone so bad. I was throwing stuff. I finally went and took a shower because I was seriously scared out of my mind. I thought I would say something to Kara that I would never be able to take back. Not that I was an angel. I was really mean to her. She was the angel. The cold shower helped a ton. It calmed me down. I even took a nap after the shower. Sometimes going to sleep is my only escape. Things were better after the nap. And then I started thinking about the meltdown. I think it had a lot less to do with school and more to do with just frustrations with life in general. I never really mourned my last BFN. I just tossed it under the rug and moved on with life. And now it is starting to get close to trying again and I am scared out of my freaking mind. I am actually terrified. I want it to work so bad and I am scared of it not working ... again. So really I think that is what caused my meltdown yesterday. I'm just plain scared.
It doesn't help that I got some bad news on Friday. I have had some very negative feelings towards a pregnant coworker. These feelings were clear in a few previous posts. I learned on Friday that she had a missed miscarriage. She went to her first OB appointment and got the bad news. I felt like the crappiest person in the world. I was able to talk to another coworker (also a very close friend who has been mentioned in several previous posts) and she does not feel as if my initial feelings were out of line. I kept thinking (irrationally) that I caused this miscarriage. I know my anger towards this coworker existed for several reasons. However, it never existed because I did not want her to have a child. All new life is wonderful. It existed because I was jealous. But more than anything it existed because I knew what could happen and I made snappy comments in order to deal with the fact that this pregnancy could have a negative outcome and I did not appreciate that she was telling the whole world she was pregnant before she had an OB appointment. And then when I did learn the news about the miscarriage I got even more scared. Even if I do get pregnant who is to say that I will stay pregnant. So that added even more fear into the equation. This whole process is horrible and wonderful all at the same time. I think all of these emotions lead to my outburst on Sunday. I just didn't know what to do with all of my emotions.
I said many different prayers this weekend. I know that I need to work on my jealousy. It is a horrible trait I have found myself developing in recent months and I know that it needs to go away. I hope my prayers were heard and I hope that someone is watching over my coworker. I cannot imagine the pain.
I am still in school. I had this wonderful idea a few years ago to go back to school to finish my accounting degree. I thought it would get me further in my job. I was actually promised that it would get me further in my job. However, at this point it does not appear that this degree will ever really help me in my job. The good news ... my company pays for me to go back to school so outside of paying for textbooks it does not cost me a whole lot to take any classes. The only downside is the rate at which I can complete these classes. I only get reimbursed for a few classes a year. So this process has been slow. Well ... I am only two classes away from finishing my degree but I am completely 100% over school. The horrible part ... I hate accounting. I should have remembered that this was the reason I did not initially complete this degree while I was completing my mathematics degree. Duh!?! It is a challenge for me to take the time each week to complete assignments and study. I get frustrated because I work all week and then I am forced to spend my weekends doing work for school. Anyhow I got super angry yesterday. I started to do some homework and I could not figure out the assignment. And I totally lost it. All I wanted to do was cry but I could not find any tears. I was so angry. My heart was beating fast. I was sweating. I wanted to hit someone so bad. I was throwing stuff. I finally went and took a shower because I was seriously scared out of my mind. I thought I would say something to Kara that I would never be able to take back. Not that I was an angel. I was really mean to her. She was the angel. The cold shower helped a ton. It calmed me down. I even took a nap after the shower. Sometimes going to sleep is my only escape. Things were better after the nap. And then I started thinking about the meltdown. I think it had a lot less to do with school and more to do with just frustrations with life in general. I never really mourned my last BFN. I just tossed it under the rug and moved on with life. And now it is starting to get close to trying again and I am scared out of my freaking mind. I am actually terrified. I want it to work so bad and I am scared of it not working ... again. So really I think that is what caused my meltdown yesterday. I'm just plain scared.
It doesn't help that I got some bad news on Friday. I have had some very negative feelings towards a pregnant coworker. These feelings were clear in a few previous posts. I learned on Friday that she had a missed miscarriage. She went to her first OB appointment and got the bad news. I felt like the crappiest person in the world. I was able to talk to another coworker (also a very close friend who has been mentioned in several previous posts) and she does not feel as if my initial feelings were out of line. I kept thinking (irrationally) that I caused this miscarriage. I know my anger towards this coworker existed for several reasons. However, it never existed because I did not want her to have a child. All new life is wonderful. It existed because I was jealous. But more than anything it existed because I knew what could happen and I made snappy comments in order to deal with the fact that this pregnancy could have a negative outcome and I did not appreciate that she was telling the whole world she was pregnant before she had an OB appointment. And then when I did learn the news about the miscarriage I got even more scared. Even if I do get pregnant who is to say that I will stay pregnant. So that added even more fear into the equation. This whole process is horrible and wonderful all at the same time. I think all of these emotions lead to my outburst on Sunday. I just didn't know what to do with all of my emotions.
I said many different prayers this weekend. I know that I need to work on my jealousy. It is a horrible trait I have found myself developing in recent months and I know that it needs to go away. I hope my prayers were heard and I hope that someone is watching over my coworker. I cannot imagine the pain.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
a few statistics
Of course I am not certain if these numbers are completely accurate but I found them to be a bit frightening. They can be found in the below article.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/07/kasey-edwards-biological-clock-fertility.
A 30 year old woman has a 22% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 35 year old woman has a 18% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 40 year old woman has a 5% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 45 year old woman has a 1% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A woman has lost 80% of her "egg supply" by the time she reaches the age of 25.
A woman has lost 95% of her "egg supply" by the time she reaches the age of 35.
So this is why I hear that stupid clock ticking in my ear all the time.
Mary
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/07/kasey-edwards-biological-clock-fertility.
A 30 year old woman has a 22% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 35 year old woman has a 18% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 40 year old woman has a 5% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A 45 year old woman has a 1% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.
A woman has lost 80% of her "egg supply" by the time she reaches the age of 25.
A woman has lost 95% of her "egg supply" by the time she reaches the age of 35.
So this is why I hear that stupid clock ticking in my ear all the time.
Mary
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