WARNING: These are my personal thoughts and feelings. And by sharing them with the world I know that I might offend another person. I do not care. This story is for my unborn son. Not you.
I get asked a lot, much to my surprise, a version of the below question…
“Don’t you just love being pregnant?”
I have literally been blown away by the number of times I have been asked that question in one form or another. It just happened again a moment ago. The question is mostly posed by well meaning coworkers who are completely oblivious to the fact that it is inappropriate to discuss a pregnancy with an acquaintance in such a manner. That is perhaps a harsh statement. But it is true. These coworkers also know that I have kids at home. So I guess simple elementary math allows them to make the assumption that I must LOVE to be pregnant. But guess what … My pregnancy is NONE of your business. I also do not care that your feelings are hurt because I “hide” my pregnancy until 20 weeks. No. I did not hide my pregnancy from you. I do not believe I was under any obligation to let a day to day acquaintance know that I was pregnant. Did you want me to hire an airplane and write a message in the sky? Did you ever take into consideration that if I announce my pregnancy it might emotionally impact one of the 40+ women in this office who have might have experience with miscarriages? (Oops. I got off on a tangent.)
My standard (polite) answer to this question has always been “I feel blessed that I have been given the opportunity to hopefully hold in my arms a healthy little boy in July 2016. I know others are not so lucky.”
I believe every part of this answer. I am so extremely blessed. I do not take it for granted for any minute. But let me share with you the response I want to give to so many people around me. The story I want to share with others. The true story behind all of my pregnancies.
“No. I do not, under any circumstance, enjoy being pregnant. Would you like to know why?”
• It took 6 IUIs to get pregnant with Jakob & Alex. It was all medical. It involved 35+ trips to a DRs office. It involved getting naked more times than I care to count. It involved many different pills and more u/s appointments than I can ever track in my brain. It involved a miscarriage at 8 weeks that was triggered by an injection of methotrexate (a drug that is often used in chemotherapy). A miscarriage that brought so much heartbreak. It cost us upwards of $6k to get pregnant with Jakob and Alex.
• A twin pregnancy is automatically a high risk pregnancy. Please do not tell me how lucky I was to have been pregnant with twins. Was I blessed to be pregnant? Yep! I wouldn’t trade my little boys for the world. But my little boys came at the same time. I automatically was putting their lives at risk by carrying them together. Do you know how stressful that is to a parent?
• I had suffered a previous miscarriage. I worried each and every day that I would miscarry this pregnancy too. The DRs start to think you are crazy because of how paranoid you become in a pregnancy after a miscarriage.
• I went into preterm labor at 26 weeks. I had a conversation with a neonatologist about the chances that Jakob and Alex had to survive should they be born now. And if they did survive how many problems they could encounter in their life. All because my body could not handle twins. My fault. I got to experience the joys of IV magnesium over a 48 hour period. That drug is horrible. I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee.
• I was on bed rest for 8 weeks. I did not leave my house for 8 weeks except to go to doctor appointments. I had contractions almost the entire time I was pregnant. I woke-up each day and worried as to whether or not my little boys would be born too early. No one saw me when I was “big and pregnant”. I didn’t get to experience any of the normal pregnancy excitement.
• Jakob and Alex were born at 34w0d. I had zero control over my labor experience. I laugh when people tell me … “but my birth didn’t go as planned” … I was in bed. I was hooked up to monitors. I had an epidural. I gave birth in an operating room with bright lights and 15 of my closest friends. I never got to hold my babies after they were born. I did not see Jakob and Alex until they were 4 hours old. I did not get to hold Jakob and Alex until they were 24 hours old. I never got to breastfeed my boys. I was attached to a pump for the entire first year of their life. I left the hospital without my baby boys. I walked to the car alone with an empty belly.
• Did I mention the NICU bill?
• I worried for the first year of their life that my boys would have extreme developmental delays. All because I couldn’t handle a twin pregnancy.
• We decided to try again. We naively thought it would all be so simple this time around. We would not have a twin pregnancy. We would use no fertility drugs. My body could handle it.
• I found out I’m old. I found out my eggs are crap. I found out my body once again sucks as supposedly doing what it was meant to do. I found out I might not get pregnant.
• More DR appointments. But this time only 15+ appointments. No miscarriage. We got pregnant on try #1. Lucky. Lucky. Lucky. But the costs were the same … We didn’t know we would get pregnant on try #1. Our donor had been removed from the program. We had to purchase extra vials. So this still cost us $6k+.
• I had multiple massive bleeding episodes starting at 12 weeks. Not a tiny bit of spotting. The type of bleeding where you are simply waiting for the baby to drop out of you. They type of bleeding where blood just pours down your legs. I heard “there is nothing we can do” over and over and over again. I still have the hematoma. But now I hold my breath that it doesn’t cause me to go into preterm labor. Now I worry that my baby boy will be born before viability. Now I worry that my baby boy will be born shortly after viability and face a lifetime of medical challenges. All because my body sucks at being pregnant. All I do is worry. I pray I don’t see blood every time I go to the bathroom.
• I worry about miscarriage every single day of this pregnancy.
• I’m old. This puts the baby at an increased risk for genetic issues. No worries. There is a test for that. It will only cost you $750.
• More bleeding at 16 weeks. The OB tells me to go to L&D. Just to get checked out. No worries. That will only cost you $1,500. An OB appointment would have been $80. But now I am 16 weeks pregnant so I have to go to L&D. If I don’t go to L&D and something is wrong, then how would I ever forgive myself. Did I mention we are a one income family now? So no stress. No worries. It’s just money.
• I get to pay $170 a week to receive a big ass injection in my butt. I get to do this for 20 weeks. I get to have all my coworkers stare at me as I walk a nurse through the office. And we don’t even know if it will actually keep baby boy cooking inside me for long enough. I can still have a preemie. We know nothing. We can only guess.
• I get to visit the high risk doctor on a monthly basis. This costs money too.
• I worry each time I pick up one of my little boys, only looking to be comforted by Mama, that me lifting my child will cause me to lose this baby. How do you explain that to a crying 3 year old? How do you explain to your 3 year old, when you lose your temper, that you are simply worried about their little brother in my belly and that your anxiety level is high? How do you explain to your 3 year old that you worry every day that you will have to find a way to tell them little brother isn’t coming home to live with us. How do you explain to your 3 year old that you are terrified you will have to go on bed rest and you will be even less of a parent than you are now? How do you explain to your 3 year old that you worry constantly about being able to financially provide for our family?
So NO. I do not like being pregnant. I hate it. I hate it all. But I want what a lot of people want in this world. I want the hope that a child brings. I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to create a life. I want to watch that little life grow. I want Jakob and Alex to have a sibling. I want us to all be a family. Many people would say that I am being selfish. Well bite me. I don’t care. I only have so many cares in the world to give and what another person, outside of our family thinks about my pregnancy is not one of my cares to give. But I’d rather show-up at the hospital and have a stork hand me my child.
So that’s really how I want to respond when someone asks me “Don’t you just love being pregnant?”
Mary
Monday, February 22, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
19w1d
Can you tell I am pregnant with baby #3? This blog kind of falls by the wayside. This poor child probably won’t have any pictures either.
We had our anatomy scan with the MFM last week at 18w1d. Our baby boy looked absolutely perfect. And for that we could not be more thankful. Despite all the stress this pregnancy has brought the one thing that has remained constant is our little boy. We actually had the same u/s technician for our anatomy scan as we did while we were pregnant with the boys. We were thrilled about this. The u/s tech did a quick measurement of my cervix and it is measuring at 4.4cm. This is great. We obviously didn’t have any problems with my cervix length until 26 weeks during my twin pregnancy but I will still be content with the results at this past u/s. The u/s tech then spent about 40 minutes measuring every single part of our baby boy. And let me just tell you that baby boy would not hold still for anything. He was moving all over the place. He actually completely flipped over at one point during the u/s. Do we have another Jake on our life? Our baby boy, who was clearly a boy on u/s, was measuring approximately 18w4d on every measurement except for the head. SHOCKER. Another baby with a super large head. Our baby boy was sporting a head measurement of approximately 19w6d … YIKES. The u/s tech even repeated the measurement six times to make sure it was accurate. I could hear Kara giggling over in the corner. What can I say? My genetics create humongous heads. The u/s tech was still able to see the hematoma on the u/s too. It is measuring rather small (that’s great) at about 2cm x 1cm and it is not located near the placenta (that’s great) but it does still exist and as a result increases my risk in this pregnancy. The hematoma is situated between the uterus wall and my bag of water. So it can, if it grows, put me at an increased risk of PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes ). Just add it to my list. So for those you counting at home my current risk factors are …
(1) AMA (advanced maternal age)
(2) previous preterm birth as a result of PPROM
(3) I have an elevated TSH measurement.
(4) I have a measurable SCH (subchorionic hematoma) that has already caused significant bleeding episodes and is still visible in the 2nd trimester.
So all of these risk factors get me a continued pass to visit the high risk doctor. We go back at 22w1d for another growth u/s. And in the meantime I will continue to hold my breath that all goes ok. We continue to inch ever closer to viability and yet as we inch closer and closer to that date I get more and more nervous.
We also got to record the heartbeat at the u/s. That was neat! The u/s tech gave us a teddy bear that had the heartbeat recorded on it but of course our fabulous boys at home managed to erase the recording within 5 minutes of being home. Oops. But thankfully we have the recording saved on our phones too. Yay!
I continue to get the P17 injections. The appointments are very quick each week but I appreciate them nonetheless. I get to hear the heartbeat on doppler and it brings me some reassurance. The nurse also checks my BP and then gives me the weekly injection. The injections do hurt but the pain/burning only lasts about 10 seconds. I seem to have less soreness on my right side so we have resorted to doing the injections on that side. I tend to get an upset tummy with each injection but that has been my only symptom. I do think the injections have kept my uterus a bit more calm. I have had fewer Braxton hicks contractions with this pregnancy. But then again it could be because I don’t have twins this time. No one will ever know.
Our upcoming appointments include the OB at 20w4d and the MFM at 22w1d. I will also continue to have weekly P17 injections through week 36 (only 17 more to go OUCH).
We had our anatomy scan with the MFM last week at 18w1d. Our baby boy looked absolutely perfect. And for that we could not be more thankful. Despite all the stress this pregnancy has brought the one thing that has remained constant is our little boy. We actually had the same u/s technician for our anatomy scan as we did while we were pregnant with the boys. We were thrilled about this. The u/s tech did a quick measurement of my cervix and it is measuring at 4.4cm. This is great. We obviously didn’t have any problems with my cervix length until 26 weeks during my twin pregnancy but I will still be content with the results at this past u/s. The u/s tech then spent about 40 minutes measuring every single part of our baby boy. And let me just tell you that baby boy would not hold still for anything. He was moving all over the place. He actually completely flipped over at one point during the u/s. Do we have another Jake on our life? Our baby boy, who was clearly a boy on u/s, was measuring approximately 18w4d on every measurement except for the head. SHOCKER. Another baby with a super large head. Our baby boy was sporting a head measurement of approximately 19w6d … YIKES. The u/s tech even repeated the measurement six times to make sure it was accurate. I could hear Kara giggling over in the corner. What can I say? My genetics create humongous heads. The u/s tech was still able to see the hematoma on the u/s too. It is measuring rather small (that’s great) at about 2cm x 1cm and it is not located near the placenta (that’s great) but it does still exist and as a result increases my risk in this pregnancy. The hematoma is situated between the uterus wall and my bag of water. So it can, if it grows, put me at an increased risk of PPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes ). Just add it to my list. So for those you counting at home my current risk factors are …
(1) AMA (advanced maternal age)
(2) previous preterm birth as a result of PPROM
(3) I have an elevated TSH measurement.
(4) I have a measurable SCH (subchorionic hematoma) that has already caused significant bleeding episodes and is still visible in the 2nd trimester.
So all of these risk factors get me a continued pass to visit the high risk doctor. We go back at 22w1d for another growth u/s. And in the meantime I will continue to hold my breath that all goes ok. We continue to inch ever closer to viability and yet as we inch closer and closer to that date I get more and more nervous.
We also got to record the heartbeat at the u/s. That was neat! The u/s tech gave us a teddy bear that had the heartbeat recorded on it but of course our fabulous boys at home managed to erase the recording within 5 minutes of being home. Oops. But thankfully we have the recording saved on our phones too. Yay!
I continue to get the P17 injections. The appointments are very quick each week but I appreciate them nonetheless. I get to hear the heartbeat on doppler and it brings me some reassurance. The nurse also checks my BP and then gives me the weekly injection. The injections do hurt but the pain/burning only lasts about 10 seconds. I seem to have less soreness on my right side so we have resorted to doing the injections on that side. I tend to get an upset tummy with each injection but that has been my only symptom. I do think the injections have kept my uterus a bit more calm. I have had fewer Braxton hicks contractions with this pregnancy. But then again it could be because I don’t have twins this time. No one will ever know.
Our upcoming appointments include the OB at 20w4d and the MFM at 22w1d. I will also continue to have weekly P17 injections through week 36 (only 17 more to go OUCH).
Mary
Monday, February 1, 2016
16w4d
I’m going into this week hoping for it to be quiet and extremely uneventful.
I am starting to feel baby boy move around on a sporadic basis. It happened about 4 or 5 days ago. I can feel the “bubbles” on occasion and know that it is baby boy. I had felt the movement starting early last week but passed it off because I didn’t think baby boy was sitting up so high on my belly. But my uterus has actually already reached my belly button and when a nurse used the fetal doppler last week I suddenly realized all the “bubbles’ were baby boy. I don’t feel them on a regular basis but there are some times he can really get kicking up a storm. Just imagine dumping a bag of Pop Rocks candy in your tummy. Our baby boy gets especially active after I drink my chocolate milk in the AM.
My insurance company approved the P17 injections. This brings be so much relief despite the hefty price tag that come with the injections. I had my initial P17 injection at 16w1d. A nurse actually comes out to my workplace 1x a week between weeks 16 – 36. All the medicine was shipped direct to me. The nurse will touch base with me each week and make sure I’m not showing any signs of preterm labor. If the nurse would have any concerns, then she would forward them onto my OB. The nurse also takes my BP and we get to listen to baby boy’s heartbeat on the doppler each week. (I LOVE that part.) The injection itself was not too horrible. It’s a big a&& needle because the progesterone is compounded in castor oil so it is extremely thick in nature. But the nurse, who spends all day giving these injections, did a great job. I had very minimal soreness. I am experiencing some tummy troubles though that might be related to the surge of progesterone in my body. I am optimistic that these shots will help to keep baby boy in because …
We already had our inaugural trip to L&D last week. Sigh. I have continued to have some intense cramping accompanied by spotting of old blood. I woke-up last week and when I went to the restroom passed only won’t I can equate to my mucus plug. I FREAKED OUT. I called the OB and much to my surprise and a bit of my disappointment the OB told me to go to L&D. My disappointment only surrounds the fact that we have a high deductible insurance plan and I was not expecting to meet that deductible until later this year. So off Kara and I went to L&D. I felt a bit silly. Kara loudly declared she was going to pack a bag so that way we could be guaranteed that we would be sent home. Smart Little Mommy. My BP was high when we arrived at L&D but that was because I was very nervous. It went down. We listened to baby boy’s heartbeat and all was good at 150 bpm. They did a quick check and there was no sign of my cervix dilating. Also good. They then did a couple of u/s to measure the length of my cervix (OK) and to check the position of my placenta. My placenta is laying low in my uterus which they believe is causing me to continue to have old blood spotting. The placenta is irritating my uterus. I have been told that the placenta “should” move up and out of the way in the next several weeks. They will check the position again at my anatomy scan in a couple of weeks. But in the meantime I am keeping all physical activity at a minimum so that I don’t go bothering anything in the old uterus. You just have to be careful with the position of the placenta because it can be a risk to both baby and mom if there would be any bleeding. The good news was that it appears the hematoma has completely resolved itself. It was not visible on the u/s.
So that is my most recent update.
I am starting to feel baby boy move around on a sporadic basis. It happened about 4 or 5 days ago. I can feel the “bubbles” on occasion and know that it is baby boy. I had felt the movement starting early last week but passed it off because I didn’t think baby boy was sitting up so high on my belly. But my uterus has actually already reached my belly button and when a nurse used the fetal doppler last week I suddenly realized all the “bubbles’ were baby boy. I don’t feel them on a regular basis but there are some times he can really get kicking up a storm. Just imagine dumping a bag of Pop Rocks candy in your tummy. Our baby boy gets especially active after I drink my chocolate milk in the AM.
My insurance company approved the P17 injections. This brings be so much relief despite the hefty price tag that come with the injections. I had my initial P17 injection at 16w1d. A nurse actually comes out to my workplace 1x a week between weeks 16 – 36. All the medicine was shipped direct to me. The nurse will touch base with me each week and make sure I’m not showing any signs of preterm labor. If the nurse would have any concerns, then she would forward them onto my OB. The nurse also takes my BP and we get to listen to baby boy’s heartbeat on the doppler each week. (I LOVE that part.) The injection itself was not too horrible. It’s a big a&& needle because the progesterone is compounded in castor oil so it is extremely thick in nature. But the nurse, who spends all day giving these injections, did a great job. I had very minimal soreness. I am experiencing some tummy troubles though that might be related to the surge of progesterone in my body. I am optimistic that these shots will help to keep baby boy in because …
We already had our inaugural trip to L&D last week. Sigh. I have continued to have some intense cramping accompanied by spotting of old blood. I woke-up last week and when I went to the restroom passed only won’t I can equate to my mucus plug. I FREAKED OUT. I called the OB and much to my surprise and a bit of my disappointment the OB told me to go to L&D. My disappointment only surrounds the fact that we have a high deductible insurance plan and I was not expecting to meet that deductible until later this year. So off Kara and I went to L&D. I felt a bit silly. Kara loudly declared she was going to pack a bag so that way we could be guaranteed that we would be sent home. Smart Little Mommy. My BP was high when we arrived at L&D but that was because I was very nervous. It went down. We listened to baby boy’s heartbeat and all was good at 150 bpm. They did a quick check and there was no sign of my cervix dilating. Also good. They then did a couple of u/s to measure the length of my cervix (OK) and to check the position of my placenta. My placenta is laying low in my uterus which they believe is causing me to continue to have old blood spotting. The placenta is irritating my uterus. I have been told that the placenta “should” move up and out of the way in the next several weeks. They will check the position again at my anatomy scan in a couple of weeks. But in the meantime I am keeping all physical activity at a minimum so that I don’t go bothering anything in the old uterus. You just have to be careful with the position of the placenta because it can be a risk to both baby and mom if there would be any bleeding. The good news was that it appears the hematoma has completely resolved itself. It was not visible on the u/s.
So that is my most recent update.
Mary
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)