bedtime with twin toddlers

I thought I would lighten it up a bit after my last post.

This was bedtime tonight.

6:45pm - It's bathtime.  But we can't go take a bath because Alex just decided, after 60 minutes, that he actually is very hungry and he would like to eat his chicken nuggets now.  (and Jakob's leftover fruit)  They are now cold and must be heated up again.

Now we can go upstairs.   No.  Alex would like two more chicken nuggets and some ketchup.  And just the right amount of ketchup.  A 1/2 a tablespoon is too little and 1 tablespoon is too much.  Note:  My official job title is now Psychic-Mother. Alex is appalled that I did not know his ketchup requirements.

Done.  Now we can go upstairs.  WAIT!! Jakob must take the "Planes" DVD case upstairs too.  Just the case.  No DVD.  God forbid I put the actual DVD in the case.  Now where is the stupid DVD case?  I can't find it anywhere.  Playroom?  No.  Living Room? No. Basement? No.  Drawers? No.  Dishwasher? No.  Trashcan?  No.  Oh wait he had it outside last.  Please God don't let it be at the neighbor's house.  I found it!  (in the flower pot)  We can all go upstairs now.  Where did Alex go?

MILK!!! (oh.  there is Alex.) MINE NOW!  (and Alex is not only shouting "milk" he is also rapidly signing it)  Ok.  You can have milk if you go upstairs.  CHOCOLATE MILK!  (have I mentioned how grateful I am to Kara for introducing the boys to chocolate milk?) "Jakob there will be no chocolate milk before bed."  URGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  (oh good a temper tantrum)  There might not be any chocolate milk but how about drinking your milk from these super cool cups with a big kid straw.  (problem solved)

7:15pm - It's bedtime bathtime.

I get the kids upstairs.  How did that happen?  I had to carry them upside down and over my shoulder all while signing the ABCs.  So for those that are counting at home that's 3 trips up and down the stairs. Jakob. Alex. Milk.  I start running the water in the tub.  I start undressing the boys.  The diapers come off.  Awesome.  Now we are rolling.  This is how we do bath in this house.  I am the master.  

"Ok.  We are going to wash our hair tonight."
Jakob - "No! No! No! No Hair! No! No Hair! No! No! NO!" (it's been two weeks since they got their hair washed and that is not an exaggeration).  Jakob is now trying desperately to fling himself out of the tub.  He clearly does not like hair washing night.  Okay.  Not a problem.  I'll simply body block Jakob while I wash Alex.  Done.  Now I can do Jakob.  I'm too late.  We are now having a full on fish flopping temper tantrum in the tub.  (wait.  he's flopping around in the water.  his hair is getting wet.  grab the shampoo woman!!!)  Done.  I again am the master.

I catch Jakob as he propels himself out of the tub.  I grab the towel. "NNNNNOOOOO!!! NO TOWEL!!" (whack) I just got hit by a bath towel.  (whack) (whack) I should probably grab that bath towel from Jakob.  I give up.  I don't want a screaming child.  The clothes on my body will suffice just fine for drying you off tonight Jakob.  "Come give me cuddles."

We  Jakob is now dry and the tears have stopped flowing.  He just needed some cuddles from Momma.  (a good moment) How do I get him dressed?

"Let's get your diaper on so we can go read books."
"NNNNNOOOOO!!!!  No diaper.  Me big boy.  Jakob big boy.  No diaper. No. No. No."
This is going just great.  Okay.   "Let me get your brother out of the tub."
"NNNNNOOOOO!  No Alex!  Bye-Bye Alex. Alex go night night." (you feel the love?)

I pull Alex out of the tub and lay him on the floor.  I grab a towel.  Jakob is pissed off.  He decides to climb on my back.  Awesome.  Now his hands are around my neck.  Oh good.  And now a hand over my eye.  Even better.  Oh good now both eyes are covered up.  It just got dark.  And I'm having some problems breathing at the moment.  It's getting hot in here.  

"JAKOB!  I need to get your brother dressed so we can go read books. Please kindly remove yourself from my body and go play with your toys."
"NOOOOO!!!"

deep breath.  Fine.  No worries.  My official title is now Psychic - Contortionist - Mother.  I knew this.  It was in the manual they gave me at the hospital. I successfully manage to dry off Alex.  I put a diaper on Alex.  And I put on his pajamas all while Jakob is hanging on my back.  DONE!  I am master of my domain.

"Okay Jakob.  It's time to get dressed."
"NNNNOOOOO.  I big boy.  No diaper.  No diaper.  Out wear.  Out wear.  Out wear."
What is "Out wear"? I have no idea.  (I need Kara.  She can always translate.)  
"Jakob I don't know what you are trying to tell me."
"Out wear. Out wear.  Out wear." (oh geez it's getting louder)
I'm only allowed to call Kara in a real emergency.  I'm starting to think this can be classified as one.  Sure.  There's no blood.  We are all breathing.  The house is not on fire.  But it's now 30 minutes past bedtime.  I'm tired.  My clothes are soaked.  And crap Alex is missing again.  
(think. think. think. ding. ding.) "Wait!  Do you mean underwear?"
"Yes. K.  Me big boy.  Out wear."
"Jakob.  You can't wear underwear to bed.  You will get all wet.  You have to wear a diaper.  Alex has on a diaper" (i think.  I can't find him. Where is Alex?)
"No."
(think. think. think.  ding.  *I'm going to regret this*) "Jakob.  I have special big boy diapers in the basement.  Do you want to wear those?"
"YES.  Big Boy."

We go out in the hallway and almost stumble on Alex who has managed to find a sticker pad.  My hallway is covered in stickers.  And I don't mean one sticker.  I mean upwards of 50 stickers.  I don't care.  I've been meaning to redecorate.  I like the bug theme.  And the dinosaurs are good accent pieces.

Jakob and I go downstairs to get the "special big boy diapers".  They are pull-ups and I am already dreading what the crib is going to look like tomorrow.  I don't care.  I just need them to go to sleep.

We are back upstairs!  "Okay.  Let's put on your big boy diaper."
Alex - "Mine.  Mine.  Mine."
"No.  Alex.  You are all dressed.  You are okay. Please keep on your pajamas."
Alex - "Mine. Mine. Mine."
"No.  Alex. These are for Jakob."
Alex - "Mine. Mine. Mine."
"FINE!  We can all wear big boy diapers tonight."

Jakob has already managed to open the package while I was negotiating with Alex.  The pull-ups are now all over the floor.  And S*IT.  The diapers all look different.  This means there are choices.  Really?  I'm going to write a very not nice letter to Pampers.  Why does each diaper have to have a different cartoon character on it?  I hate my life.

"Mine."
"No mine"
"Me turn.  No."
"Help"
"No.  Me.  Mine. Me."
"Mine!"
(just imagine this for about 60 seconds)

"Okay.  Okay.  Okay.  Who is going to show me how you pull-up your big boy diapers?"
"MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE"

We are finally all dressed.  And they go in the crib with no problem.  I rock.  Again.

We read some stories and for just a few moments my sweet little boys have returned to their bodies.  We are even listening intently tonight.

8:00 pm - It is time for kisses.  It is time for hugs.  It is time for more kisses.  It is time for more hugs.  And just a few more kisses but wait ... I am walking out of the room.  I am shutting the door.  The door is closed.  I've done it.    

"No.  Me. My crib. Momma.  Momma. Momma."
(just ignore them.  you hear nothing.)
"No. Help. No. No. No. No."
(you hear nothing.  just follow the light mary.)
"MOMMMMAAAA"
(wait.  i think those are the dogs.  those are definitely not the boys.)
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"
(do not pass go do not collect $100. i'm going to regret this.)
(opens door) "What Alex?"
"Mine." (while pointing to the crib where Jakob is snuggled up under the blankets)
"Alex.  Jakob is sleeping in that crib tonight.  You can't both sleep in the same crib."
"k"
"Okay?  You mean you will lay down now and go to sleep?"
"NOOO!!!"
"Wait.  But you said okay.  What do you want?"
"Mine.  Help.  Mine." (still pointing at Jakob)
"Jakob?"
"k"
(think.  think.) "You want to share a crib with Jakob?"
"k"
"You won't both fit in the same crib."
"k"
"Alex.  You have to sleep in your own crib."
"no."
Jakob-"Momma bed?"
"no Jakob you cannot sleep in my bed"
Jakob - "Alex bed?"

I then proceed to have a 10 minute negotiation with Jakob and Alex over our sleeping arrangements.  I only wish I had the ability to transcribe what went down.  But it would be impossible.  But in the end.  Jakob and Alex fell asleep in their own cribs.  Jakob had to move to the other crib but was able to go downstairs and pick out a special toy for giving up this crib.  Yep.  That meant another trip up and down the stairs for those counting at home.

I finally walked out of the bedroom at 8:15pm.  That would have been 90 minutes after we started bedtime for the night.

I've so got this parenting thing down cold!

Mary