our new normal

Today Jakob and Alex are 4 months old!  Huh?  Say what?  I will be sure to add new pictures to each of their pages.

So now it is time to get real.

I woke-up today and realized that I cannot remember life before Jakob and Alex.  I actually have a really hard time remembering what it felt like to be pregnant.  I'm so grateful I documented the journey in this blog or else I would remember very little of the pregnancy journey. I also finally feel like Jakob and Alex are here for the long haul.  I know that sounds really strange but for so long I felt like we were "babysitting" and someone was going to show-up to take Jakob and Alex home.  There are still moments where it is hard for me to believe that I am staring at my kids.  A couple of months after the boys were born I had to go to the drugstore to pick-up a prescription for Jakob.  I had a moment of panic when I told the pharmacist, "I'm here to pick-up a prescription for my son."  Son?  Who has a son?  Me?  It was at that moment that it truly clicked in my brain that I was a mother.  I never really had that moment after the boys were born.  To be honest I really disconnected myself emotionally the days immediately following their birth.  I did not feel a very strong connection to either boy.  And to be honest my lack of "feeling" really scared me those first few weeks.  I felt like there was a certain way I should have felt at the time.  That eventually someone was going to discover the truth about my emotions.  I rarely cry.  I only remember crying one time during my pregnancy.  I didn't even cry when I was in preterm labor at 26 weeks.  The one time I did cry I was about 9 weeks pregnant and I fell down the stairs.  I was terrified that I had hurt the boys.  I sat at the bottom of the stairs and just bawled my eyes out.  I think I scared Kara.  But after I cried I was done.  That was it.  No more emotion.  I always imagined that I would be a blubbering mess the moment the boys were born.  That it would be a moment of pure joy and happiness.  That I would get to snuggle with each boy on my chest and there would be this immediate connection to my sons.  But that did not happen.  I never got to hold my boys.  The first moment I saw them they were all covered up and were receiving assistance breathing.  All I could see where their eyes.  I did not get to hold Alex until he was about five hours old and I did not get to hold Jakob until he was a day old.  And even then I was one of the lucky ones with healthy preemie babies.  I cannot imagine would they have been born at 26 weeks.  In fact not a single tear was shed until about 60 minutes after the boys were born.  I think I was terrified.  I kept telling myself that if something happened to the boys it would be better if I wasn't emotionally connected to them.  So I did my best to stay disconnected from them.  And then a few days later all the postpartum hormones kicked into full gear.  I was an even bigger mess.  I have never felt so out of control in my entire life.  To be honest I almost resented the boys.  My body was a mess.  I felt like all I did was sit at a machine and try to get a little bit of milk.  There was a moment the first night we had both boys at home that I sat in the bathroom and just cried and cried while I repeated to myself, "Take them back.  Take them back."  It was an ugly moment.  But it happened.  And I want to be honest about all that has happened so far.  Thankfully I had a wonderful support person.  Kara made it a point to tell me over and over again that what I was feeling was completely normal.  That the only reason I was feeling this way was because of the hormones in my body.  She also continuously asked me questions to make sure that I wasn't about to do something to hurt myself or to hurt the boys.  I just kept telling myself that each day would be better and I would eventually emerge from the fog.  And that day at the pharmacy ended up being the day I emerged from the fog.  It was the first moment that I realized that I will forever be a mother.  It is a title that I earned and no one will ever be able to take it away.  And I think it is the best job in the entire world.  Just don't tell Jakob and Alex that the hospital forgot to give me the user manual and as a result I don't have a clue as to what I am doing each and every day.  Today I now know that there is no stronger love than the love a mother has for her children.

So my point?  The postpartum period was rough.  It can be a scary time for any new mom.  It can be even scarier for a mom of multiples and a mom with a preemie.  But that for the most part the emotions you experience are completely normal.  And if those "baby blues" don't disappear don't try to be the "picture perfect mother".  Always ask for help!  Admitting that there are issues bigger than yourself makes you the ultimate mother in the end!  

Mary

edit:  This is exactly how blurry that time period was following the birth of Jakob and Alex.  I was certain that I had held Alex the first time I went to see the boys in the NICU.  But in reality I didn't hold either boy until the day after they were born.  I'm so glad we have pictures and video to document those few fuzzy days.