i never did like multiple choice tests

Let's begin with some cuteness!

It finally felt like fall over the weekend.  And fall is my absolute most favorite time of the year.  We had to bundle the boys up a bit when we took them on our nightly walk.  And of course that lead to a lot of cuteness.

Alex

Jakob

From the moment I got pregnant I always assumed that Jakob and Alex would be our only children.  Kara and I had always talked about having two kids and then we got pregnant with twins and it just seemed like our family was going to be complete in one swoop.  Plus I didn't exactly have a picture perfect pregnancy and so often we made the comment "God knew we wanted two children so we were blessed with twins so that I wouldn't have to ever be pregnant again".  In fact, I often got asked when I was pregnant whether or not we would have more children.  My response was always, "Nope.  We got our instant family."  I think I told my OB this exact sentiment at least a handful of times during my pregnancy.  And then the boys were born.  And now Kara and I don't know if our family is complete.  We feel differently almost every day.  Under "traditional" circumstances this would not be a problem.  We would just make the decision a couple of years down the road.  But Kara and I do not have a "traditional" family.  And so this forces us to make decisions about our future in the next few months that I really wish I did not have to make in such a quick time frame.  

So what are our options?  And what are our current obstacles?

We currently have one IUI ready vial from our donor being stored at our RE's office.  We have to pay a yearly storage fee to keep this vial at the location.  If you compare the current cost of one vial ($515) versus the yearly storage cost (about $100 per year), then it would make sense to continue to pay the storage fee for a couple of years versus having the vial destroyed and starting from scratch with a new vial should we decide to try and get pregnant in a couple of years.  But if we decide to not get pregnant then we could be out a few hundred dollars.  Not a big deal.  So this is the least of our worries.  Our bigger concern at the moment ... Do we buy more IUI ready vials from the cyrobank?  Like I mentioned above we only have one IUI ready vial from our donor.  There is no guarantee, should we decide to have another child in a couple of years, that our donor would have any vials left for purchase.  I am for certain that I want our children to be at least half-siblings.  In all probability, although stranger things have happened, I would be the one to get pregnant again.  This would mean our children would be full siblings if we used the same donor or half-siblings if we used a different donor.  However, should we decide that Kara would be the one to get pregnant, then I would absolutely want to use the same donor so that our children are at least half-siblings with each other.  Plus, there is a part of me that feels, if we were to have another child, it would be difficult for that child, especially if he or she is a singleton, to genetically be connected to a donor different from the donor we used for Jakob and Alex.  That's just my feelings.  So this is the reason a decision needs to be made soon.  We can purchase additional IUI ready vials but then so many questions come to the surface.  How many vials do we purchase?  It took us 5 tries to get pregnant with Jakob and Alex.  I will be older in a couple of years.  Strike 1.  And I got pregnant with the help of fertility medication.  I would like to avoid the use of fertility medications if we decide to get pregnant again.  I do not think my body could handle another multiple pregnancy.  Strike 2.  So do I expect it to take 6 or 7 or 8 tries the next time.  What happens if we purchase a handful of vials and amazingly we get pregnant on the first attempt?  We would have a number of vials left in our possession.  But what happens if we purchase a handful of vials and we are unable to get pregnant before we run out of vials?  There is a part of me that feels like we should just use the one vial we have in a couple of years.  If we get pregnant, then that would be wonderful.  If we don't get pregnant, then that would be the sign that our family is complete.  But really people ... that's like telling a straight couple you only get to have sex one time to try and finish your family.  So really that is unrealistic.  And then there is the financial aspect of the whole process.  Remember I said that each IUI ready vial is approximately $500?  Kara and I are by no means a wealthy family.  So to turnover an extra $3,000 - $5,000 is not a walk in the park.  Plus the cryobank has an annual storage fee of $340.  Yikes!  The cryobank will "buy" back any unused vials only if the donor is still in the program.  This would be unlikely considering we would only be  buying the vials should the number of vials available for purchase from our donor be getting smaller.  Plus they only buy back the vials after taking a 30% restocking fee.  So there is a part of me that just wants to live in denial.  I'm just going to pretend that no one else will purchase vials from our donor.  And the vials will be waiting for us should we choose to expand our family.  Okay.  That's unrealistic too.  I guess I just need to get the courage to pick-up the phone and call the cyrobank to see how many IUI ready vials our donor has remaining in stock.  Maybe the only vials the donor has sold will be the ones that Kara and I purchased almost two years ago!  It would at least be a baby step in the right direction.  Did I mention that I always hated multiple choice tests?  I always over analyzed each possible choice and in the end I always seemed to make the wrong choice!

Mary

what's going on

The boys continue to change right before our eyes!

I stole this from a friend.

Age: The boys are 4 months and 1 week old.

Weight:  Jakob weighs 11 lbs 15 oz and Alex weighs 11 lbs 10 oz.  This barely puts the boys on the growth chart for their age but the pediatrician expects them to be well on the chart by the end of their first year.

Length:  Both boys are 24 inches long.  

Clothes:  The boys can still fit into some clothes that are 0-3 months but seem to be wearing more 3-6 month and 6 month outfits as of late.  They are in 3-6 month sleepers at night.  They are growing out of clothes so fast!!

What are we eating?:  We FINALLY have the boys on a regular eating schedule.  Hip Hip Hooray!  The boys are taking 5 oz of breast milk at 5am, 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, 8pm.  We have been given the green light to start solids whenever we feel the boys are ready to give it a go.  I was super excited to start solids but now that the boys are actually following a regular eating schedule my excitement has minimized a bit.  I think we will just play it by ear.  There is part of me that would like to wait until the boys are 6 months old to introduce solids.  But then again things change so fast around these parts that come next week I could be shoving cereal down their throats!

How are we sleeping?:  I am no longer sleep deprived!  The boys still go to bed at 8pm each night.  There are some nights it is a challenge to get Jakob to fall asleep.  Because the boys will not take a pacifier they often fuss for several minutes before they fall asleep.  I usually just sit by their Rock N Plays and rock them back and forth until the fall asleep.  They will stay asleep until anywhere between 4am - 7am.  Kara will get up and give them their "5 am" bottle whenever they wake-up.  They then go back to sleep until 8:30am.  We usually have to wake them up at 8:30am.  I know there is often a "four month wakeful period" but I am crossing my fingers we don't experience that one.  I know we are SUPER, SUPER lucky in how well the boys sleep for us.  Let's keep it up boys!!  Our next big project will be to transition the boys to their cribs.  This absolutely terrifies me for a number of reasons.

What's going on?:  They accomplish something new each day!

Jakob "officially" rolled over from his belly to his back on September 19th.  There were a couple of times Jakob "rolled" over from his belly to his back when we first brought them home from the hospital but I'm not really counting those moments because there was no intent in the action.  It just sort of happened.  Jakob is also really close to rolling from his back to his belly.  He automatically turns to his side when you put him on his back.  Jakob still loves to watch his Baby Einstein video.  He absolutely loves colors and music.  We have a little Baby Einstein music player and he loves when we play it for him.  Jakob is grabbing for objects when they are put in front of his face.  He now understands opening and closing his fists to grasp an object.  Alex is also reaching for objects in front of his face but he has not quite mastered the opening and closing of his fist.  Both boys are bringing objects up to their mouths constantly.  And the drool?  It is crazy.  They drool all the time and we often have to have the boys in bibs during the day.  Alex still LOVES his jumperoo and will actually give Jakob the side-eye if he is spending time in the jumperoo.  Both boys will put weight on their legs if you allow them to.

Their personalities are so different.  Alex is so serious!  It takes a lot of effort to get that boy to smile and laugh.  And often times you will get him to laugh and then he will give you this look that means "Oh no!  They saw me laugh.  Now what will they think?"  But Jakob on the other hand laughs all the time.  He will laugh and smile for anyone that comes up to him.  I still believes that Jakob feels every emotion to the extreme.  This means if Jakob is hungry he is really, really, really hungry.  If Jakob is happy, then he is really, really, really happy.  There is no middle ground for Jakob.  Alex never really gets upset about anything but he does have "whining" down to a science.  He will just start to whimper and then you can't help but go and pick him up because he is so stinking cute!!  

What do we look like?:  They both have a little more hair on top of their heads.  But both would still probably be classified as "baldy babies".  Jakob's hair has gotten a bit darker.  However, I still think he will have dirty blonde hair with blue eyes.  His eyes continue to get lighter each day.  Alex on the other hand has dark brown hair and his eyes continue to remain brown in color.

How are the mommies doing?:  We are doing good.

I seem to be falling a part at the seams.  I had heard that once you hit about the 3 month or 4 month postpartum period your body goes to the crapper.  And that is the truth.  My hair is falling out in clumps.  I have no idea how I am not bald.  We have to clean out the shower drain on a regular basis.  I have never had sinus issues and I am not battling them on a daily basis.  I feel like I have been punched in the nose 100 times.  I still have not gotten my first postpartum period (thank you pumping) and to tell you the truth I am dreading it.  My fingernails are also super brittle.  Weird.  

I seem to have more and more clogged ducts that drive me crazy and cause me a lot of pain when they happen.  The good news?  I am getting more sleep at night which has actually helped my milk production.  I am still pumping six times a day (1:30 am, 5:30 am, 9:30 am, 1:30 pm, 5:30 pm, 8:30 pm) and I average about 61 oz per day.  The boys are drinking 60 oz per day and we have about 250 oz of frozen breast milk. I am still crossing my fingers that I can keep them on only breast milk for as long as possible.  My minimum goal will be six months.  However, I would like to drop to five pumps per day at some point in October so we will see if that impacts my milk production at all.  It makes me nervous.

Kara is still my superhero.  She is such an amazing mother and partner.  Our house would be in shambles without her.  She takes care of the boys all day long and still manages to cook and clean the house.  Not to mention she is solely responsible for taking the dogs out several times a day.  And because she spends so much time with the boys she knows all the tricks of the trade.  She is often able to tell me what works and doesn't work so that I don't have to spend hours figuring things out myself.  She is an amazing mother!!

Mary  

4 month stats

Jakob

Weight: 11 lbs 15 oz (less than 3rd percentile)
Height: 24 inches (8th percentile)
Head Circumference: 16.5 inches (29th percentile)

Alex

Weight: 11 lbs 10 oz (less than 3rd percentile)
Height: 24 inches (8th percentile)
Head Circumference: 17 inches (64th percentile)

What can I say?  They have my head!

Mary

cloth diaper madness

Hi.  My name is Mary and I am a cloth diaper addict.  Phew.  It feels good to get that off of my chest.

The boys are four months old so I thought it would be a good time to give some insight into our cloth diaper journey.

I was obsessed with cloth diapers during my pregnancy.  I spent hours researching our cloth diaper options.  And then I discovered the hundreds of different companies that sell cloth diaper cuteness and before you knew it Kara and I were busting at the seams with fluffy butt cuteness!!  Kara had to take away my credit card once I went on bed rest because ... 24 hour access to the Internet + 24 hours of boredom each day + a healthy cloth diaper obsession + a credit card = the poor house.  But then the boys were born and all my enthusiasm went right out the door.  I was a new mom to preemie boys and the last thing I wanted to think about was cloth diapers.  The boys were in preemie diapers for several weeks so we just relied on disposable diapers.  Plus the hospital sent us home with a ton of "free" (we paid for them somehow) preemie diapers that I did not want to go to waste.  Thankfully Kara remained on the cloth diaper bandwagon and eventually took the lead on the project and started to dip into our cloth diaper stash.  I eventually got comfortable again with idea of cloth diapers and I have never looked back.  I cannot imagine using disposable diapers.

Our daytime cloth diapers of choice have always been GMD Cloth-eez Prefold Diapers.  We have in total purchased 24 of the newborn (orange edge) diapers and 24 of the small (yellow edge).  The boys were in the newborn diapers until about 3 months of age.  Because the boys were on the small side we got a lot of use out of the newborn diapers.  I do not think I would recommend purchasing the newborn size diapers if you are expecting a full term baby.  However, in our situation, the newborn diapers were a perfect match.  We have a variety of different covers.  Our absolute favorite covers at the moment are bumGenius Flip Diaper Covers.  These are a one size cover that should fit a baby between 8lbs - 35lbs.  We have zero leakage problem with these covers.  We had purchased several different brands of newborn covers.  We really did not have issue with any of these covers but are favorite newborn covers had to be the newborn size Thirsties Diaper Covers.  These covers, while snug, actually still fit the boys today at 4 months old.  I will be sad to move these to storage bins in the next few weeks.

Our nighttime cloth diapers of choice are Kawaii Baby Goodnight Heavy Wetter Diapers.  These diapers are amazing.  The diapers definitely make the boys have a fluffy bottom as they are designed to last through the night.  They are a one size pocket diaper.  We have had zero leakage issues with these diapers.  We put the boys in the diaper before their 8pm feed and they do not get changed again until about 8:30am.  Now the boys are definitely extra stinky in the morning but we have never had a leakage problem.

Our cloth diaper process is as follows ... We bought a big cheap plastic bucket that sits in our 1/2 bathroom downstairs.  We put a Diaper Rite Cloth Diaper Pail Liner in the bucket.  Because the boys spend their day in the living room that is where we do all diaper changes during the day.  It would be a pain the carry the boys upstairs to the nursery each time we need to change a diaper.  The cloth diapers are currently stored in our entertainment center in the living room.  Isn't that where everyone stores their cloth diapers?  We also have a Rumparooz Wet Bag upstairs in our bedroom where we put the nighttime diapers.  This use to consist of a lot more diapers but now it usually only holds the diaper the boys were wearing before we put them in their sleepers for the night.  Because the boys are not on solid foods we do not have to rinse any diapers during the diaper change.  We have been on an everyday wash routine.  However, we just purchased two additional overnight diapers so we will officially be able to move to an every other day wash routine!! Yippee.  We use Rockin Green Laundry Detergent.  Because it is a bit expensive we only use this detergent for the cloth diapers.  We actually use a homemade detergent for all of our other laundry items.  We simply take the wet bags full of diapers and dump out the diapers into the washing machine.  You then simply toss in the wet bags to get washed too.  We do one rinse cycle without any detergent.  We then do one wash cycle (with hot water) with the Rockin Green Laundry Detergent.  On occasion we will do another rinse cycle.  We then throw the diapers in the dryer.  During the summer we were able to line dry the cloth diapers.  This is the best way to get rid of any staining issues.  But to be honest we have not had any issues with stains or with bad smells.  And that's it.  It is a simple process.

Some random observations ...

The boys struggled with diaper rash when they were in disposables.  We have had zero issues with diaper rash since we made the transition to cloth diapers.

Always keep your eye out for deals!  A lot of the daily deal sites will offer up cloth diapers on occasion plus all of the online retailers are in constant competition with one another so sales occur all the time.

Do not buy too many diapers of one brand.  I got trapped by a sale on FuzziBunz Elite Onse Size Diapers and in the end I am not a fan of these diapers.  We keep these diapers in the diaper bag because they are super convenient for "on-the-go" diaper changes but the diaper requires you to adjust several elastic bands as the baby continues to grow in size.  This is a huge PAIN.

I think a lot of people new to the cloth diaper world tend to veer towards the use of AIOs.  But do not be afraid of the prefold diapers.  They are really easy to use and the cost is 1/4 of that of an AIO.  Plus it takes forever for an AIO to get completely dry.  Plus we know how common it is to put a diaper on a baby and five minutes later have to change the diaper again.  We have a few AIOs on hand and I am not a huge fan of any of these diapers.

I have purchased diapers from several online retailers.  However, my retailers of choice would be Green Mountain Diapers,  Diaper Junction, and  Sweetbottoms Baby Boutique .

Mary

our new normal

Today Jakob and Alex are 4 months old!  Huh?  Say what?  I will be sure to add new pictures to each of their pages.

So now it is time to get real.

I woke-up today and realized that I cannot remember life before Jakob and Alex.  I actually have a really hard time remembering what it felt like to be pregnant.  I'm so grateful I documented the journey in this blog or else I would remember very little of the pregnancy journey. I also finally feel like Jakob and Alex are here for the long haul.  I know that sounds really strange but for so long I felt like we were "babysitting" and someone was going to show-up to take Jakob and Alex home.  There are still moments where it is hard for me to believe that I am staring at my kids.  A couple of months after the boys were born I had to go to the drugstore to pick-up a prescription for Jakob.  I had a moment of panic when I told the pharmacist, "I'm here to pick-up a prescription for my son."  Son?  Who has a son?  Me?  It was at that moment that it truly clicked in my brain that I was a mother.  I never really had that moment after the boys were born.  To be honest I really disconnected myself emotionally the days immediately following their birth.  I did not feel a very strong connection to either boy.  And to be honest my lack of "feeling" really scared me those first few weeks.  I felt like there was a certain way I should have felt at the time.  That eventually someone was going to discover the truth about my emotions.  I rarely cry.  I only remember crying one time during my pregnancy.  I didn't even cry when I was in preterm labor at 26 weeks.  The one time I did cry I was about 9 weeks pregnant and I fell down the stairs.  I was terrified that I had hurt the boys.  I sat at the bottom of the stairs and just bawled my eyes out.  I think I scared Kara.  But after I cried I was done.  That was it.  No more emotion.  I always imagined that I would be a blubbering mess the moment the boys were born.  That it would be a moment of pure joy and happiness.  That I would get to snuggle with each boy on my chest and there would be this immediate connection to my sons.  But that did not happen.  I never got to hold my boys.  The first moment I saw them they were all covered up and were receiving assistance breathing.  All I could see where their eyes.  I did not get to hold Alex until he was about five hours old and I did not get to hold Jakob until he was a day old.  And even then I was one of the lucky ones with healthy preemie babies.  I cannot imagine would they have been born at 26 weeks.  In fact not a single tear was shed until about 60 minutes after the boys were born.  I think I was terrified.  I kept telling myself that if something happened to the boys it would be better if I wasn't emotionally connected to them.  So I did my best to stay disconnected from them.  And then a few days later all the postpartum hormones kicked into full gear.  I was an even bigger mess.  I have never felt so out of control in my entire life.  To be honest I almost resented the boys.  My body was a mess.  I felt like all I did was sit at a machine and try to get a little bit of milk.  There was a moment the first night we had both boys at home that I sat in the bathroom and just cried and cried while I repeated to myself, "Take them back.  Take them back."  It was an ugly moment.  But it happened.  And I want to be honest about all that has happened so far.  Thankfully I had a wonderful support person.  Kara made it a point to tell me over and over again that what I was feeling was completely normal.  That the only reason I was feeling this way was because of the hormones in my body.  She also continuously asked me questions to make sure that I wasn't about to do something to hurt myself or to hurt the boys.  I just kept telling myself that each day would be better and I would eventually emerge from the fog.  And that day at the pharmacy ended up being the day I emerged from the fog.  It was the first moment that I realized that I will forever be a mother.  It is a title that I earned and no one will ever be able to take it away.  And I think it is the best job in the entire world.  Just don't tell Jakob and Alex that the hospital forgot to give me the user manual and as a result I don't have a clue as to what I am doing each and every day.  Today I now know that there is no stronger love than the love a mother has for her children.

So my point?  The postpartum period was rough.  It can be a scary time for any new mom.  It can be even scarier for a mom of multiples and a mom with a preemie.  But that for the most part the emotions you experience are completely normal.  And if those "baby blues" don't disappear don't try to be the "picture perfect mother".  Always ask for help!  Admitting that there are issues bigger than yourself makes you the ultimate mother in the end!  

Mary

edit:  This is exactly how blurry that time period was following the birth of Jakob and Alex.  I was certain that I had held Alex the first time I went to see the boys in the NICU.  But in reality I didn't hold either boy until the day after they were born.  I'm so glad we have pictures and video to document those few fuzzy days. 

update central

We have been busy bees as of late.  I have been swamped at work and then by the time I come home and take care of the boys its all I can do to keep my eyes open.  So I thought I would try to take at least a minute to write a quick update.  Because before I know it I am going to turn around and have big boys!!

The boys continue to change right before our eyes.  I have absolutely no idea how much they weigh but I can tell you that we moved to 3-6 month sleepers the other night.  And I will admit that I shed a tear.  How have we gone from preemie outfits to 3-6 month outfits??

Mr. Jakob is a "mini-Mary" in both his physical characteristics and his ever changing personality.  If I stand in front of a mirror with Jakob there is no denying that he is my son.  I think Jakob may end up with blue eyes.  They continue to lighten up each day.  The same goes for his hair.  I don't think I am going to get a red-head but I do think Jakob with end up with "dirtly blond" hair.  There are times though when it has a hint of red to it.

The boys have a new habit that we can't seem to break.  They smile while you are feeding them their bottle.  It is to the point where you can't make eye contact during bottle time because the feeding will take an hour!!  But at the same time it is so stinking cute that you can't help but encourage them to smile.  So needless to say there have been some very unproductive feeding sessions as of late.

Jakob laughed for the first time yesterday!  And the best part was that it happened while I was home at lunch.  Kara and I got so excited that the dogs started barking right along with our screaming.  It was so cute.  Jakob still fights naps like it is going out of style.  This can result in a very cranky little boy at night time.  However, Jakob is a champion sleeper and once the sun goes down he tends to be out in only a couple of minutes.  My mom told me the other day that I was not a good napper.  And we know that Jakob is following in my footsteps.  He just likes to be "in the know" all the time.  And even at this age he is afraid of missing something important.  I do a better job at dealing with Jakob and Kara said the other night that she thinks it because I understand his personality and as a result I usually know what he needs at any moment.  Jakob absolutely loves to watch television.  I know, I know ... But you put the boy in his bouncer seat in front of the television and turn on a Baby Einstein video and as he goes to town!  He kicks his legs and moves his arms and smiles through the whole video.  Kara affectionately said the other day, "These Baby Einstein videos are Jakob's crack."

Both boys love their car seats so we spend each evening either taking a drive around town (if the weather is bad) or going on a nice long walk.  Both of these activities get the boys to fall asleep for about an hour.  And as weird as it sounds a nap before bed is exactly what the boys need in order to sleep all night long.  They continue to take a bottle at 8:00pm and 10:00pm.  We do not change diapers at the 10:00pm feeding anymore so it is really a "dream feed" and most of the time the boys don't even open their eyes.  The boys will usually sleep until about 6:00am and then Kara will give them their morning bottle and get them to sleep until about 8:30am.  We definitely cannot complain about the boys sleeping habits at the moment.

So if Mr. Jakob is a "mini-Mary" then Mr. Alex is a "mini-Kara".  Alex continues to be the most chill baby in the world.  He is definitely a go with the flow little man.  There is very little that upsets Alex.  And the boy can take a nap at the drop of a hat.  Alex absolutely loves the jumperoo.  And he is great at it!  He has figured out how to swing it around with his feet.  He is still working on the jumping part but he just smiles the entire time he is in the jumperoo.   That is until he falls asleep.  You put Alex in the jumperoo and it never fails that he falls asleep after he is done playing.  He has taken upwards of a 60 minute nap sitting straight-up.  He is going to be the little boy that falls asleep at the dinner table.  I think Alex is going to look completely different than Jakob.  His hair continues to get darker along with his eyes.  I think Alex will be my brown eye and brown hair little boy.

The boys still like to eat every two hours during the day.  We have tried everything to get that to change but we have had no luck.  I am hoping we get the go ahead at the boys four month appointment to start them on cereal.  It might not be necessary for Alex but I think Jakob is more than ready.  Both can sit up amazingly and Jakob has become very interested in what we are eating.  So we shall see what the pediatrician tells us.

Now time for the newest picture ...

This picture was taken last weekend.  It was the day of the first OSU football game of the season and around these parts we live and breath OSU sports!  I told Kara that I want to take a picture of the boys every year on the day of the first football game of the season.  So this is the picture for this year.  Too cute!! Right??

Mary