still in the closet

June 26, 2015 – A day that changed my life forever.

We all knew that an opinion would be coming from SCOTUS at any day.  I spent the morning of June 26, 2015 much like I had spent the mornings of June 19th, June 22nd, and June 25th.  I sat at my desk and watched the live results on www.SCOTUSblog.com.  I knew arriving on this day that SCOTUS had five remaining opinions to issue prior to the end of the term.  I also knew there was a lot of historical significance to the date of June 26th in regards to same sex marriage.

June 26, 2003 -   Lawrence v. Texas – It was ruled unconstitutional for the state of Texas to enforce a law that made it illegal for two individuals of the same sex to engage in intimate sexual conduct.

June 26, 2013 – United States v. Windsor – The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which held that “marriage” and “spouse” only applied to heterosexual unions was rule to be unconstitutional.

But even with all those factors in play I never believed, in a million years, that the first opinion of the day would be given to Obergefell v. Hodges.  So the moment I saw the below words pop-up on my computer screen I hit the floor …

I thought I was emotionally prepared for this moment.  I had actually played it out over and over again in my head nearly a thousand times.  The same sex marriage movement had come so far in just a short period of time.  Look at these crazy statistics (which I believe are fairly accurate) over only an 12 year period…

2003 - 0 states allow gay marriage
2004 – 1 state allows gay marriage
2008 – 2 states allow gay marriage
2009 – 5 states allow gay marriage
2010 – 5 states allow gay marriage
2011 – 6 states allow gay marriage
2012 – 8 states allow gay marriage
2013 – 18 states allow gay marriage
2014 – 21 states allow gay marriage
2015 – ALL STATES ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE

I had recently started to believe that I would be given, in my lifetime, the ability to marry the love of my life.  I started to have faith.  So even though all the experts were indicating that the Obergefell v. Hodges opinion would go in favor of same sex marriage I kept telling myself that even a ruling in favor of the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals decision would not spell the end of ALL hope for my family.  I told myself that such a decision would just force the voters in the State of Ohio to get a ballot up in a future election to repeal the gay marriage ban passed by the citizens of Ohio in 2004.  But at the actual moment of decision I literally got weak in the knees and hit the floor at my desk.  There was so much riding on this single moment.  It was very reminiscent of watching a scary movie.  I covered my eyes with my hands and peeked through my fingers to watch the results.

And in an instant it popped up on the screen.  A decision had been made in our favor.  I could FINALLY get married.  A step towards full equality.

I was literally shaking uncontrollably from head to toe.  I was sitting on the floor.  I was silently crying into my hands.  I could hear my cell phone vibrating continuously on my desk.  So what did I do?  I let out a small giggle and took a deep breath and sat my ass back down in my chair.  You see … I was at work.

I want to mention before I go on in this blog post that I work for an AMAZING corporation that puts diversity at the forefront of important company issues.  My company actually submitted, in March, a friend-of-the-court brief that argues employers should not have to track the genders of the employees’ spouses for state law purposes and states that refuse to recognize same-sex marriages drive business and job candidates away and create environments that run counter to inclusive corporate cultures.  See?  AMAZING.

I’m out at work.  I’ve been with the same company for 10 years.  I did not come “out” at work until I had been with the company for about 3 years.  And really I only came "out" it became it became too much to “hide” from the people with whom I spend most of my waking hours.  It was getting too difficult to lie.  So I came busting out of the closet.  And I will be honest in the fact that I have never been blatantly discriminated against while on the job.  I am lucky.  But I also know for a fact that many people strongly oppose my “lifestyle” and as such still treat me differently than my heterosexual counterparts.  I have several examples but there is one moment that will ALWAYS stick with me …

If you have a baby in our office it gets announced via company-wide e-mail.  Awesome!  I was especially excited about this because as the mother to premature baby boys I was looking to get all the prayers I could sent in our direction.  I swear to you that each announcement in our office starts with … “XXXX and YYYY welcomed a … “ but my announcement read “Mary welcomed twin boys …”  Sigh.  Where is Kara?  That one hurt.  I actually still carry it with me deep inside as sort of a "grudge" but I swear I'm trying to get over it.

So I’m out at work.  I have a strong inner circle of close friends that truly without a doubt care about my family.  But … Are you straight?  Are you married?  Do you remember the moment you got engaged to the love of your life?  I’m fairly certain it was a joyous moment.  It was probably an announcement that you wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  If a stranger walked by you on the street you probably even wanted to give them a hug and tell them the great news.  That moment I watched that announcement on television was no different.  But there was nothing I could do.  I sat quiet knowing, without a doubt, the negative feedback I would get should I start to scream in excitement.  Could I have celebrated with great enthusiasm?  Of course.  But I didn't because I never want ruffle any feathers.  I never want to draw attention.  I don’t want to give a person a reason to “hate the gays” because of an action I took in a moment of glee.  There is NEVER a day that I don’t think to myself … WATCH WHAT YOU DO MARY.  It’s a reality.  It's even more of a reality now that I have a family to protect.  It’s a reality for so many, not all, of my LGBTQ cohorts.  So am I out?  Yes.  But I'm not.  And that hurts.  It also means that while we have made so much progress in the world of equality we have SO FAR to go.  I want my boys to grow up in a world where it does not matter who they choose to love.  And that there is never a moment where they are uncomfortable in their own skin.  I only hope I'm not doing them a disservice by my many moments of inaction.

But in the meantime, while I wait for that time to arrive, I’ll be over in the corner planning my July 4, 2015 wedding to the love of my life.

Mary

a day

Our views on potty training could be considered a bit lax by a lot of folks.  We decided that we would let the boys tell us when they were ready to get out of diapers with the idea that we would panic only if they were 4 years old and still in diapers.  Our thought was that if the boys were developmentally ready to get out of diapers then potty training would happen fast.  Otherwise we would be faced with an uphill battle and we constantly pick and choose those battles as the parents of twin boys.

So how are we doing?

I can officially declare that Jakob was potty trained in a single day!!!  This little dude has impressed me so much this week.  Jakob, for some reason, asked to wear underwear on Sunday afternoon.  Our motto “ask and you shall receive” went into full effect.  Because one boy asked the question we decided to go ahead and put both boys in underwear.  We then proceeded to clean up accidents for the next 3 hours.  Sigh.  But eventually both boys peed in the potty and off we went for ice cream.  The following morning brought some resistance from Alex.  Jake on the other hand woke-up requesting underwear.  Both boys are still in pull-ups at night.  Our first full day of potty training came with one accident from Jakob and several accidents from Alex.  There were also some episodes of embarrassment from Alex so at the end of Day #1 when Alex requested a diaper we quickly obliged.  He just is not ready and we definitely don’t want potty training to become stressful for Alex.  Jakob on the other hand continued to pee all day with only the occasional reminder.  Day #2 brought no accidents from Jakob and Alex made the decision to stay in diapers.  Day #2 brought Jakob never needing to be reminded to use the bathroom.  WHAT?? He declared his need to pee independently on every occasion.  My favorite comment of the day came on the evening of Day #2 when I mentioned to Jakob and Alex that I had some friends coming over for dinner.  Jakob jumped off of the couch and declared, “Momma I need to go pee before your friends get here.”  SO PROUD!  So our only outstanding issue was pooping on the potty.  We were on Day #2 and Jakob still had not pooped on the potty.  Our little man typically poops everyday so we knew there might be some resistance.  That brings us to Day #3.  I told Kara in the morning that Jakob absolutely needed to poop today.  It guess it was mid-morning when Jakob started the poop dance.  Kara simply continued to encourage Jakob to go poop on the potty amidst the hesitation and resistance.  Kara sat down with Jakob and acknowledged some of his fears after a timid “Mommy I’m scared to poop” came from our sweet boy.   And then in an single instance and with the courage of a championship fighter, Jakob marched into the bathroom, he slammed shut the door and emerged a whooping two minutes later chanting “I POOPED. I POOPED. I POOPED.  WIPE MY BUTT.”  And there you have it folks.  We officially have one twin potty trained!

We will continue to give Alex some time to think through the process.  Perhaps we will try again in about a month.  We know he will get in his own time and on his own accord.  And he will probably be perfect at it from the get go.

Mary

a weekly screen grab

A screen grab from Facebook.  For your enjoyment of course ...

Mary