OB

We had our OB appointment at 9w6d.  It was a rough day all around for me.  I woke-up really nervous about the appointment.  And it did not help that I have been extremely nauseous and fatigued over the past several days.  So I was dragging a bit.  I was tired.  I realized as I was sitting in the waiting room that a lot of my nervousness surrounded around our previous pregnancy.  I never really had a great experience in that office.  Not because we didn’t get sufficient care but because most times I was entering that office it was because something was going wrong with the pregnancy.  And here I was sitting in the waiting room a “normal” pregnant woman.  But am I really a “normal” pregnant woman?  It turns out we just have no way of knowing the answer to that question.  We met with a different OB yesterday.  I think this ended up being a good decision for us.  Both of the OBs are wonderful in the practice.  But the OB we met with yesterday had a much calmer demeanor.  This personality seemed to align a bit more with my personality.  So what do I know?

(1) I’ve gained more weight.  But I woke-up today with the decision to no longer stress about the weight gain.  My eating has turned healthier over recent days and that brings me some peace.  The OB was not concerned in the least bit.  I will not eat through my entire pregnancy.  A lot of my weight gain has simply been the only way I can deal with the nausea and hopefully the nausea passes in the next couple of weeks.  The OB still indicated I am very healthy.

(2) My blood pressure was high.  It was 132/78.  But I was NERVOUS.  My blood pressure last week at the REs office was 106/70.  The OB is not worried.  Me either.

(3) I had more b/w done yesterday to get a check of my TSH level.  It is important this level stays in check during the pregnancy.  We also need to make certain my sluggishness has nothing to do with an elevated TSH level.  An elevated TSH level can increase you chance of preterm labor.  We do not need that.

(4) I am of advanced maternal age (AMA).  This was news to me.  I thought the medical community went by the age of the egg at the time of conception.  But instead they go by the age of the mother at the time of delivery.  I will be 35.  I really thought I had gotten lucky and missed the cutoff.  So immediately I gained the gift of additional non-stress tests (NSTs) and u/s during the 3rd trimester.

(5) We have no way of knowing whether or not I will experience preterm labor with a singleton pregnancy.  This is what causes me the greatest amount of stress.  It also causes the OB some stress.  All my previous pregnancy complications could have been simply due to the fact that I was pregnant with twins.  Or I could have a crap cervix and uterus.  So what do we do?  My OB is not certain at the moment.  She plans to consult with the MFM (high risk doctor) and determine if I am a candidate for P17 (progesterone injections) beginning at week 16 and going through week 37.  These weekly injections have been shown to reduce the risk of preterm labor by 33%.  This is great.  The OB is leaning towards the injections.  If I had experienced preterm labor with a singleton, then there would be no question to the importance of the injections this time around.  But I experienced preterm labor with a twin pregnancy.  We also aren’t certain if my insurance company would cover these rather expensive injections.  But then again my insurance company probably doesn’t want a $100k+ NICU bill again either.  So stay tuned.  

(6) Genetic Testing.  There is new genetic testing available to us.  It is called free cell DNA testing.  It is noninvasive b/w that can be done anytime in pregnancy after 10 weeks.  The test reports positive or negative results for Trisomy 21, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13.  This is a test that can be done as an alternative to the traditional NT Scan and Quad Screen which is what we did in our prior pregnancy.  It could also be done in conjunction with those tests.  Most insurance companies do not cover the fee cell DNA testing unless you are of AMA.  That’s me!!  The free cell DNA testing is not a guarantee.  It simply means if a result would be positive then it would be advisable to do a more invasive test such as an amniocentesis.  So after much discussion Kara and I have decided to move forward with the free cell DNA testing at our next appointment.  We are not going to do the NT Scan this time around.

(7) My anatomy scan will be done with the MFM.  This is simply because I am considered high risk due to my AMA and my previous preterm labor.  This will be our next u/s and will not take place until about week 20.  YIKES!!

(8) I've been getting headaches.  I had them with my twin pregnancy too.  The OB told me to take 800 mg of Magnesium Oxide before bed each night.  We picked-up the vitamin last night and I took some last night before bed.  I woke-up today headache fee and I have gone ALL day without a headache.  I'm not going to hold my breath.  But I consider it a win!  Today was the first time in over a week I didn't have to pop any Tylenol.

(9)  The OB was able to find little blob’s heartbeat with the fetal Doppler.  This is great considering I am only 10 weeks.  Our little blob has a heartbeat of 175 bpm.  This was literally the best moment of the entire pregnancy for me.  The actual heartbeat of our little blob.  

(10) Our next OB appointment is January 12th.  So I get to be a normal pregnant lady for at least a bit.  And hopefully longer.

I think another favorite moment of the day came when we ran into the sonographer at the OBs office.  Her greeting to us was “congratulations on the one baby ONLY pregnancy” … I could not agree more.

That is all for now.  

Mary

9w1d

We had our final appointment with the RE on December 11th at 9w1d.  Here is a picture of little spot measuring 9w1d and with a heartbeat of 180 bpm.

We graduated.  It's still so surreal to wrap my head around the speed of which things are happening this time around.  I honestly, because we got pregnant so fast, am still trying to get my brain to understand I am pregnant.  Let's look at some #'s from our time at the RE.

I went to 36 appointments over a span of 10 months to get pregnant with Jakob and Alex.

I went to 15 appointments over a span of 3.5 months to get pregnant with Baby #3.

So we of course graduated, for what we hope is the final time, from the RE with many mixed emotions.  The place literally feels like home.  But at the same time I NEVER want to go back.  We are so grateful for all that both our doctors did to help us get our family.  They work magic in that facility.  And not only do the folks create life, when otherwise it might not be possible, but they guide so many families along on what is an emotional journey.  And they do it with grace and often times with unselfishness.  

We also had another discussion with our RE and the reality of the situation is that I should never have successfully gotten pregnant with a natural IUI and on attempt #1.  So we are forever grateful to the luck we got this time around.  And we continue to prayer that little blob grows big and strong.  We are also glad that we decided to try for Baby #3 this year.  It appears my body will be done with it's baby making ability sooner rather than later.  

The boys gave the baby a nickname of "Scout" this week.  We like it.  They are very aware of the fact that a baby is growing in my belly.  They are constantly asking to give kisses and hugs to the baby.  It melts my heart.  Last night Jakob told me "Mama.  I think if I go to sleep tonight.  And I sleep good.  The baby will be here when I wake-up." And when I responded with the fact that baby won't make an arrival until summer Jakob responded with "Then I just sleep until summer."  I love them.

So how am I feeling?  Not the best.  The nausea is fairly constant.  It gets a bit worse at night.  My appetite has slowed down a bit.  But still eating is the only thing that gets rid of the nausea.  I'm are tired all the time but I struggle a lot with insomnia.  I tend to be ready to sleep right as my alarm clock goes off.  I'm also getting a bit of a belly.  It's all bloat at the moment.  I do think it is growing at a rapid speed though because of my previous twin pregnancy.  I took a picture last night just to humor myself.  Remember it's nighttime ... I had a lot of food in that belly!!!  The belly does not look this big in the AM.  

But here I am at almost 10 weeks.

We have our first OB appointment tomorrow.  

Mary  

a preview

Here is a preview of our announcement photo.  We love it!  

I promise to be back with a proper update soon.

Mary

8w0d

I think you can decipher how I am feeling these days by the length of time it takes me to get new blog posts up.  Blah...

We had our last u/s at 8w0d.  I was nervous.  That's typical.  I have nightmares in my head.  All the time!  But little blob was measuring right on track at 8w1d and had a heartbeat of 169 bpm.  Here is our picture.

We were able to schedule our first OB appointment for December 16th.  I will be 9w6d.  The RE, being so very gracious, agreed to let me come back this week, at 9w1d for a final u/s.  I SO appreciate it.  My insurance is already fairly maxed out this year anyhow.  So an u/s for peace of mind is find with me.  

Otherwise I am feeling OK.  I still have several periods of nausea during the day.  I'm hungry ... ALL THE TIME.  I've already put on about 4 lbs.  And just for some perspective I only gained 2 lbs with the boys during the entire 1st trimester.  I have a problem.  I'm very fatigued during the day but then I have a really hard time sleeping.  None of my clothes fit.  I look about 16 weeks pregnant!  I think my belly is going to give this pregnancy away before I am ready to announce it to the world.  But despite all this ... I am trying to maintain a level head.  I know that weight can be lost.  I know that I am eating because I am hungry and because I am dealing with nausea.  If this all means that there is a healthy baby growing then I will be just fine.  I also know I won't continue to gain 2 lbs a week.

We have our family photographer coming to our house this weekend to take some announcement pictures.  We hope to give them to our family at Christmas.

Please continue to cross your fingers that little blob is growing big and strong.

Mary

say what?

It's time to let the cat out of the bag.  We are pregnant!

So sit back and enjoy our journey to Baby #3.  We ask our dear readers for their continued prayers and support as we are still early in this journey.  But we are ready to let you join us for the ride.  Please stick little blob!!! (and remember this is still a secret to most of the world)

8.20.15 - are we really doing this?

I know to an outsider we look absolutely bats#it CRAZY.  Our lives are complete chaos.  We are busy raising twin 3-year old boys.  We are soon to be a one income family (on purpose).  We recently had some rather large purchases under our belt.  And we are getting old.  But to us ... it is the perfect time to try to expand our family.  It's time to try and get pregnant folks.  I'm not exactly sure of an action plan.  We have a consult scheduled with the REs office for September 1st and I assume we get our game plan at that time. We will be using another doctor as our previous doctor has since left the practice.  What do I know now?  There will be absolutely no fertility drugs involved this time around.  NONE.  We will either get pregnant with one child or we will not get pregnant.  There will be no twins this time around (I hope).  I've been there.  I've done that.  I cannot do it again.  So I also know that reduces our chances of a successful pregnancy but we are at a point where our only regret would be to not try at all.  We have 5 vials of donor sperm available to use.  If I do not get pregnant using one of those five vials then we will be calling our family complete.   We are also keeping it a complete secret.  So by the time you read these blog entries I will either be (1) pregnant or (2) our journey to trying to get pregnant will be over.  This decision has already reduced my stress levels a significant amount.  So that is all at the moment.  I'm excited.  I'm unusually calm at the moment.  I am hopeful.  I am ready for the challenge.  And I simply continue to pray that I have the patience to understand the path God has chosen for our family.    

9.1.15 - getting old is s%$t!

So I guess I'm getting old.  We had our consultation with the new RE today.  We are still a bit up in the air about the process we will take each month.  I think that will work itself out in the next few days.  The RE wants to take a closer look at a fibroid I have had in my uterus for a long time.  It was there the last time I got pregnant but it appears to have gotten bigger over the years.  No surprise.  I'm scheduled for a sonohysterogram tomorrow AM.  It will give the RE a better idea of the story behind the fibroid.  It's just a normal transvaginal u/s with the addition of saline to expand the uterus and get a clear look at any abnormalities that might interfere with the implantation of an embryo.  I hope he deems all okay and we can continue without it giving me too many issues.  He did mention that the growth of a fibroid has the potential to trigger preterm labor so that is something else we would want to take into consideration.  The bad news ... My antral follicle count was a bit disappointing at around 8 visible follicles.  So the RE did some b/w today just to make sure there is nothing to worry about like diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) - I'm old!  It was interesting though because a majority of our conversation prior to the u/s surrounded the best way to get pregnant with just one healthy baby without risking a twin (or triplet) pregnancy.  I then go to the u/s, get told that my antral follicle count is crap, but that I have two visible dominant follicles this cycle (though one could be a cyst).  I just laughed.  It would be for this reason that we might continue to do monitored cycles even with no fertility medication.  Could you imagine?  Overall we liked the new RE.  It's basically up to us in terms of how we proceed each month assuming all tests come back OK.  So until next time.  

9.2.15 - all is good

I had the saline u/s done (sonohysterogram) today.  It was really no big deal.  I had worked myself up into the belief that it would hurt like crazy simply because my instructions from the RE told me to take 800mg of Advil prior to the procedure.  If you tell me I need drugs before going to an u/s appointment, then I'm going to make the assumption that I'd rather stay home for the event.  Otherwise I just had some very, very minor cramping during the procedure.  The good news ... The RE is not worried at all about the fibroid.  So we got the green light to proceed next month.  The plan is to do a monitored un-medicated cycle.  We will do a combination of a mid-cycle u/s and at home OPKs to determine my ovulation date.  I will be sure to provide updates next month.  I'm a combination of calm and anxious anticipation.  It's almost like a kid at Christmas time.  I'm trying to remain realistic about our chances while balancing a bit of optimism in for good measure.  

I will leave you with a winning quote from the RE today.

"those d$#n heterosexuals can fit anything up there" (I'll let you figure that one out for your own!)

9.8.15 - as I was saying...

You should never get too comfortable with a plan.  I got a call from the RE today.  All the b/w came back OK but it showed my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level at 2.94.  I guess this is OK for the average person but if you are TTC then the RE wants the TSH level to be less than 2.5 (and ideal would be around 1.5).  Sigh.  So I'm going back in tomorrow for a complete thyroid panel (b/w) and once the RE gets those results we will make a game plan.  I guess there is never a dull moment.  I'm taking it all in stride.  If we want to TTC, then I want to do it in optimal health.  

9.14.15 - quick update

So I'm going to start taking 25 mg of Synthroid daily to help get my TSH levels a bit lower.  The RE still insists the #'s are okay were I not trying to get pregnant.  So I will have my levels rechecked in approximately 4 to 6 weeks to see if my TSH levels are trended downward.  I guess doctors also want your TSH level to be less than 2.5 if your are pregnant too.  So I will either stay on the Synthroid until I decide to stop trying to get pregnant or until I deliver a baby.  The good news ... I still get to cycle this month!!!

9.23.15 - as I was saying...

Cycle #1 officially got cancelled today.  I went in for CD 3 b/w this month.  All was good.  I was scheduled for my mid-cycle u/s on CD 11.  The RE also instructed me to use OPKs this month just in case I was ovulating early in my cycle.  This was my assumption from the beginning because my cycles are only between 24 - 26 days.  We went camping this weekend with some of our closest friends.  I woke up (extremely tired and hungover on CD 10) and in my drunken stupor peed on an OPK at 7am.  That damn smiley face popped up in only a minute .... F%&# IT.  My RE was thankfully on call for the weekend so I was able to get in touch directly with him.  I managed to roam the cabin grounds for the one spot I could get cell phone reception.  The RE was extremely adamant that I read the OPK wrong as there was no way I was about to ovulate.  OK.  (insert eye roll)  What do you think?

My point exactly.  So I went in for my u/s today on CD11.  And of course my ovaries were completely quiet ... my only "dominant" follicle was 8 mm in diameter.  The RE still believes it's just too early in my cycle.  I on the other hand believe I ovulated on CD 10 (or early CD 11).  So I will go back on CD 14 for another u/s and b/w.  The u/s will determine that if I actually have not ovulated whether or not there is more follicle growth.  The b/w will measure my progesterone levels which would be elevated had I ovulated on CD 10 or 11.  The RE stated, "I'm going to be more concerned if you are ovulating on CD 10." .... NOW.  I'm not sure why this would be of concern to the RE.  But I will wait to find out.  I would be more concerned if I have not ovulated because that means the luteral phase of my cycle is too short.  Either way we are not proceeding with an IUI this month.  I cannot justify potentially throwing away over $1,000 without knowing exactly what is going on with my body.  So stay tuned as we continue on this grand adventure.

9.23.15 - confirmed

I had a follow-up u/s today and the follicle on my right side was only measuring 12 mm and per the RE "it looks like you ovulated".  So I had some b/w done to measure my progesterone level and the level indicates ovulation.  So we are simply going to do a take #2 next month but schedule a mid-cycle u/s on either CD 9 or CD 10.  I'm optimistic that an early ovulation is just my normal and not indicative of any problems to come.

10.21.15 - no repeating history

I am now in the middle of Cycle #2.  Today was my mid-cycle u/s on CD 10.  I did an OPK test when I woke up today and it was still negative.  But I know my body extremely well and I mentioned to Kara as I walked out the door, "I would bet money in Las Vegas that I get a + test at lunchtime" ... The u/s showed that I had a 20 mm follicle and a 17 mm follicle.  TWO ?!?! AGAIN ?!?! It actually appears that I might have the hyperovulation gene.  I have now had two unmedicated mid-cycle u/s that have shown two dominant follicles.  I have also always had at least two dominant follicles on my medicated cycles despite very low doses of fertility medication.  And for those readers who are unfamiliar I am also a fraternal twin.  And we were conceived with no fertility medication.  This means the hyperovulation gene could in fact have been passed down to me.  The RE was adamant that while it appears I will *always* have two dominant follicles there is a very slim chance that I will actually ovulate both.  (sigh) So after the u/s I was actually certain the RE would have me trigger at the office and then do an IUI tomorrow.  Nope.  The RE wanted to give my follicles more time to mature (huh?) and so instead wanted me to trigger tonight at 8:30pm and come in for the IUI on Friday morning.  This would be 48 hours from the mid-cycle u/s.  So we left with that plan.  But I KNEW that I would get a + OPK at lunchtime and ... I DID!  So I immediately called the RE.  The nurse advised me to do the HCG trigger shot ASAP and then scheduled the IUI for tomorrow at 8:45am.  This will be approx 21 hours after a + OPK.

What will I remember most about today?  We have only told our close friends (mostly other lesbian couples) that we are trying to get pregnant.  The exception is a coworker.  This coworker seriously knows ALL the parts of this journey because it's been important for me to have someone to support me outside of the house.  So I got told to do the trigger shot ASAP today.  I had the shot with me at the office because I had come straight from the RE appointment.  I immediately sent a message to my coworker and told her to come to my office ASAP.  The blinds got shut.  The office door got locked and I proceeded (in the midst of giggles) to have my coworker jab me in the stomach with the HCG shot.  The best part ...

Me: "All done."
Coworker: "Oh GOD!  You are bleeding."
Me: "Nah.  It's alright."
Coworker: "And we don't want it to leak out."
Me: "What?  It's not going to leak out."
My coworker proceeds to grab some gauze the RE office gave to me and then she reaches over and grabs a piece of scotch tape.
Me: "What the hell are you doing?"
Coworker: "I'm taping you up."
Me: "Jesus.  At least go get me a band-aid."
Coworker: "Right! Should I throw the needle away when I go out there?"
Me: (eye roll) "NO!"

I told my coworker that even if I do not get pregnant this time around that I will always remember that moment.  I will be back tomorrow with an update on the IUI.

10.22.15 - ouch

IUI # 1 is officially in the books!! A new baby became a very real possibility today.

I had hopes that Kara would be able to go to the IUI today but we were unable to secure a sitter for the boys.  But in the end I was reminded that Kara did not in fact come to the IUI that resulted in our boys.  So after I learned that fact I told her to keep her ass at home!

It was a difficult IUI today.  I'm starting to get tired of the RE being so pessimistic about my chances of success without the use of fertility medications.  The appointment started with the following conversation ...

RE: "So you got a surge yesterday?"
ME: "Yep.  I got a + OPK at Noon."
RE: "I'm still worried that you are ovulating way too early.  It's indicative of poor ovarian reserve."
ME: "I know.  You have told me that.  But we did the IUI for my twin pregnancy on CD 12.  Today is CD 11.  There isn't that much of a difference."
RE: "Really?"
Me: "Yep.  I actually think it's why it worked.  The time was spot on."
RE: "I know.  But you are older now."
ME: "OK.  Can we just be optimistic for at least one cycle? I need optimism. I'm here now.  Let's just give it a try."
RE: "I know.  I know."

So then it was on to the IUI.  I'm really glad it was not my first rodeo because I seriously might consider never going back again.  It started out innocent enough.  There was the usual battle of the speculum but thankfully, especially after all that was to come, the RE made the necessary change to keep me comfortable.  So I then proceeded to hear a bunch of "Oh crap." "Nope." "Let's try that again." "Yikes." "You sure you gave birth vaginally." "Let me try again." "This is so not going to work." "I"m going to need a new catheter." until finally I heard ... "Um. Yep.  I'm going to need some help."  So I proceeded to get my first ever u/s guided IUI.  (Interestingly enough I have read that IUI success rates tend to increase with the use of u/s.)  The nurse that was in the room proceeded to use an abdominal u/s to let the RE get some insight into my cervix and uterus.  The RE could not, for some reason, get the catheter through my cervix to get it into perfect place in my uterus.  There was some more struggle and finally the RE asked the nurse to get a different catheter.  Great! This is going just dandy.  But thankfully with the guidance of u/s and the different catheter all was OK in the end.  I could tell the moment the catheter broke through to the other side.  HA.  But the best part of a not so pleasant situation was actually getting to watch the sperm get released into my uterus.  The nurse was very sweet to point this out on the u/s screen.  I silently told the little buggers to swim!!  I did the normal post IUI rest period and then I headed home for a nice family day.  I have had some bleeding but the RE, in his own words, warned me that "You will have some bleeding.  I've caused a bit of trauma down here today." ... NICE.  I have also had some cramping.  But all appears to have resided as of 12 hours after the IUI.

I also had a repeat TSH drawn yesterday and my TSH level has decreased to 1.72 so this is almost ideal.  I will continue to take the 25 mg of Synthroid daily.

So now we wait.

11.5.15 - PREGNANT

Today I am pregnant!!

Let me educate all my readers ... The two week time period between the IUI and the official test day never gets easy.  The days passed at the pace of a drunk snail!  It was also interesting to experience this week having successfully been pregnant in the past.  I will tell my readers that on 8dpIUI I came home from work and as I walked into the kitchen I looked up at Kara and I told her "I'm pregnant.  I'm not sure if it will stick.  But I'm pregnant."  And then I proceeded to get a crazy look from Kara.  I made that declaration without ever taking a single pregnancy test.  Why?  One simple symptom.  I had cramping all day on 8dpIUI.  It was the same day I had cramping with the twin pregnancy.  So this launched me into an obsessive several days of taking pregnancy tests every morning at the break of dawn.  So similar to my pregnancy with Jakob & Alex I started taking the pregnancy tests so that I could test out my trigger shot.  And just like with Jakob & Alex I never got a negative test.  Now don't you worry.  This fact did not reassure me in the least bit.  Why?  Because my pregnancy tests this time around were substantially lighter than my pregnancy tests with Jakob & Alex.  A rational person would immediately respond with "Duh!  You are pregnant with a singleton this time around.  Of course the tests won't be as dark."  But to the crazy, stressed out (pregnant) woman all I thought was "Sh#t!  It's not going to stick."  Well I managed to make it to the end of the two week wait today.   These were my pregnancy test over the last few days...

I called the RE as soon as the office opened for the day and hightailed it over to get some b/w.  And then I waited ... ALL DAY LONG .... It was a long wait.  The nurse did not call me back until 4:45pm.  I took the call in our upstairs bathroom to block out the screaming toddlers in the bedroom!  My HCG level at 14piui is 207.  I think this is a very solid number.  The nurse responded with "It's a great number." And for those readers at home that believe the number might be a bit high don't you worry because my HCG with my twin pregnancy at 14dpiui was 425.  So I think we are in a solid place for a singleton!  I go back for more b/w on 18dpiui.  This is slightly different than what my old RE did with my previous pregnancies.  I would typically go back on 16dpiui.  But I'm actually happier to go back on 18dpiui.  I think it will give us a better picture of how my HCG level is trending.

So my symptoms ... So very similar to those that I had with Jakob & Alex.  I get tired fairly early each night but I'm also not sleeping all that great.  I have a ton of pimples on my face.  I feel like I'm getting ready to start my period.  I cramp regularly.  I am dreaming like crazy.  I have pregnancy brain.  I'm completely forgetful most of the time.

So that is where we stand at the moment.  I'm excited.  I'm terrified.  I know bad things happen with the snap of the fingers.  But the good news .... I know that, at a minimum, I can still get pregnant.  And we did it without the use of any fertility medication!!!  (take that DR. PESSIMISTIC).  We have also been sharing this journey with our core group of nearest and dearest friends and as such we know we have a great support team behind us.

11.9.15 - still pregnant

My HCG level 18dpiui is 1,122!

This is a great website that I found in regards to HCG levels.  Here is the information for my levels.  All good at the moment.  Yes.  My HCG levels are "somewhat" high but still substantially lower than my HCG levels with my twin pregnancy.  I'm praying this means we have one little HEALTHY stinker that is settling in for the long haul.

We go this week for an early u/s at 4w6d.  This is different than what my previous RE did with my twin pregnancy.  I was able to get my Dad to babysit the boys so Kara will be with me at the appointment.   I'm just hoping he doesn't start to ask questions!  It will be too early to see a heartbeat but we are hoping the RE deems all to be in the right place and on the right track.  I will update later this week.

11.11.15 - 4w6d

We saw one perfectly placed gestational sac today.  Please allow me to introduce you to our little blob...

The baby looks just like me!

I will not lie.  There was an audible sigh of relief from the entire room when a single gestational sac popped up on the screen.  All looks okay with our blob.  The RE mentioned that I have a hematoma in my uterus and "not to worry about it" ... Right.  (so I ran home and got on GOOGLE!!!) No problem.  I'll just go home and forget about the blood clot resting next to little blob.  A hematoma occurs in about 3.1% of all pregnancies.  (there I go again hitting the odds)  The RE explained it as a "problem" during implantation where the embryo pulls away from the wall of the uterus because it decides to go to a different location.  OK.  So did little blob have a map and realized he or she turned left at the light instead of turning right at the light?  Who knows?  The RE did mention that little blob is snuggled in tightly on the left side of my uterus and I ovulated from my right ovary.  So I guess little blob is one determined individual because he or she decided to take the long journey to the other side of my uterus.  There must be prime real estate over on that side.  Most patients with a hematoma experience no symptoms during their pregnancy.  However, it is possible, that I could experience some bleeding if the hematoma decides it is bored with my uterus and wants to leave before it's jail sentence is up.  So basically if I bleed I'm only suppose to semi panic.  No problem.  However, a hematoma discovered prior to 9w0d is shown to increase the miscarriage risk.  So let's tell the hematoma to mind it's own business!

We go back at 6w6d to check on little blob.  We need to see a heartbeat.

My pregnancy symptoms are exactly the same as with my twin pregnancy.  I am covered in pimples.  I have periods of exhaustion.  My mood swings are all over the place.  I'm bloated.  And I have occasional cramping.  Do we have a boy in there?

I am hopeful.  But as always I try to remain realistic.  We have a long way to go with the pregnancy.  But today ... I am pregnant.

11.19.15 - 6w0d

I'm so not calm.  Nope.  Not at all.  I think today has been the hardest.  I'm 6w0d.  I think it's been difficult because I know that today would be around the time that little blob would have a heartbeat.  So I find my mind wandering to that question.  And it's a question I cannot answer.  And I just want it answered NOW.  So I continue to wait.  I also find myself watching Jakob and Alex everyday and knowing that at one point they were also a little ball of cells just like little blob is today.  And now they are amazing little humans.  I just want that for little blob.  I just need little blob to be healthy!!!  I also, in all seriousness, don't know if I can do this again.  

I feel pregnant.  That fact alone required me to spill the beans to my boss at work.  And of course that makes me nervous too.  What if we don't see a heartbeat?  I know from friends that pregnancy symptoms do not always equal a healthy pregnancy.  So my symptoms do not bring me any peace.  I'm exhausted.  All the time.  I am hungry.  All the time.  If I'm not stuffing food in my mouth then I have a super upset tummy.  I'm craving Taco Bell soft tacos and ONLY Taco Bell soft tacos.  I have now had them three days in a row.  I'm bloated (because I'm eating too much).  I still have pimples all over the place. I have a hard time with anything that requires concentration.

I need to find my peaceful spot! I am searching ...  

11.25.15 - 6w6d

Our u/s today showed one stubborn kid with a heartbeat of 138 bpm and measuring right on track at 6w5d.
To say I was nervous for the u/s would be an understatement.  My heart was literally beating out of my chest as I waited to see if little blob had a heartbeat.  The RE had some difficulty getting a good view of little blob at the beginning of the u/s.  This caused me to panic.  The RE went to push on my stomach to get a better view and literally replied with "I can feel your heart in your stomach." .... DUH!  I'M NERVOUS!!!  It turns out little blob is snuggled about as far from the u/s probe as a little blob can possibly be.   Plus you combine that with a full bladder and the RE was struggling to get a clear measurement.  The RE told me to get dressed and go empty my bladder before trying the u/s again.  He was kind enough to reply though that he definitely saw a heartbeat.  Once I emptied my bladder the u/s went a bit better.   Though little blob is still stubborn by positioning himself so far away.  I never could see the heartbeat on the u/s but Kara insisted she could see it just fine.  The RE was also able to get a measurement.  We go back in one week, at 8w0d, for another u/s.  I hope I can see a beautiful heartbeat at that appointment.

Here is our u/s picture from 6w6d.  (that's little blob in the bottom right corner)

Things are a struggle at the moment.  I am sick around the clock.  The nausea is constant.  I am exhausted.  I sleep upwards of 11 or 12 hours at night and I have been requiring a nap during the day.  I am living in a fog and I feel like I have been a horrible mother to Jakob and Alex too.  I worry about my perfomance at work too.  A lot of it is the hormones.  I know.  I would actually consider myself to be a bit depressed at the moment.  But I am taking it day by day.  I keep talking to little blob and hoping that my constant sickness means growth for little blob.  But I won't sugar coat it.  Life is rough at the moment.

my little negotiator

It is common for Jakob to ask for a snack before bedtime.  I know that sometimes he is actually hungry but most times there is an ulterior motive.  The motive is usually to delay bedtime.  Last night was different.  Here is the conversation we had as I was putting Jakob in his pajamas.

Jakob: "Mama I'm hungry."
Me: "What do you want to eat?"
Jakob: "Ummmmmmm???"
Me: "Do you want a graham cracker?"
Jakob: "No.  Too messy."
Me: "How about some cheese?"
Jakob: "No.  Too soft."
Me: "Some cereal?"
Jakob: "No.  Too many pieces."
Me: "The only thing that is left is a granola bar."
Jakob: "No.  Too big."
Me: "Jakob.  What do you want to eat?"
Jakob: "Ummm.  Candy?"

He ended up with some cheese.

Mary

you are welcome

Alex had just finished pooping on the potty.

Alex: "It looks like an iguana."
Me: "What?  Your poop?"
Alex: (uncontrollable laughter) "It looks like an iguana.  A broken iguana.  My poop look like an animal."
Me: (silence)
Alex: "JJJJAAAAKKKKOOOOBBBBB!!! My poop.  My poop looks like an iguana."
Me: (silence)
Alex" "JJJJAAAKKKKOOOOBBB!!! I poop animal shapes."
Me: (silence)

Mary

-isms

Me: "It smells like poop."
Jake: "No.  It smells like cheese."

Me: "Alex.  Please take your sippy cup to the sink."
Alex: "No.  No.  No.  NO THANK YOU!!"

Jake has been obsessed with wearing a watch.
Me: "Jake.  What time is it?"
Jake: "Thirty O'Clock." (this is his answer every single time)

It was bedtime.  I asked Alex a bazillion times to put the bath toy away.  He continued to refuse so I grabbed the toy out of his hands.
Alex: "No Mama!!  You can't do that.  That not nice.  You never grab a toy out of your friend's hands."

Me: "I love you Jake."
Jake: "I like you Mama."

Me: "Alex.  What are you going to be for Halloween?"
Alex: "A ghost!"
Me: "Boo!"
Alex: "No Mama.  I'm going to be a happy ghost."

Mary

the candle

I told the boys after bath last night, like every night, to go in the bedroom and pick out books to read while I cleaned up the bathroom. We all know that a three old listens to all directions given.  So I didn't expect to walk in with the boys sitting patiently on their bed with their books.  But I also didn't expect to walk into the bedroom to find Alex eating a candle. (I'll let you ask Kara why there was a candle in their bedroom).

Me: "Alexander what are you doing?"

Alex: "It smell good. I think it should taste good."

Me: "Does it?"

Alex: (long pause) "No Mama. It no chocolate."

Alex is so very logical.  Just like me.  I respect that.  

Mary

the zoo

The boys took a trip to the zoo this week.  I had the following conversation with Alex later that night.

Me: "Did you see the baby lions at the zoo?"
Alex: "Yes."
Me: "How many baby lions did you see?"
Alex: "Four.  And we saw the Daddy lion too." (it was actually the Mom that was with the babies)
Me: "Really?"
Alex: "Yep.  Mommy not there today."
Me: "Oh.  Where was the Mommy lion?"
Alex: "At work.  She be home later to play with them."

I might be thinking too much into such a simple conversation.  But this quick exchange made me so proud of my son on so many levels.  (And I realize others could think different about the conversation).  It demonstrates, to me, that Alex is fully aware that the majority of families have both a Mommy and a Daddy.  We talk about this often.  Both of boys already talk about being a Daddy some day.  They also talk about getting married, mostly with the idea of being able to wear a wedding ring, but neither ever discusses marriage with context associated the sex of the individual they would like to marry.  They are too young.  Our exchange also demonstrated to me that Alex has the understanding that the male of the household can be the main caregiver for a family while the female of the household can be the breadwinner.  I'm going to pretend that's what it all means and simply be proud of Alex for a few moments.  

Mary

things get tricky

It's becoming more and more difficult to keep this blog updated.  Our lives are busy.  Yes.  But I also struggle with what to share in a permanent space as the boys get older.  They are one day going to be able to search for this blog.   They will see what I have shared with the world.  I'm okay with that.  I want them to know their "story" as it is a great one.  But it also gets ... tricky.  Imagine going back as an adult and reading stories of your early childhood.  That could be cause for a bit of an embarrassment.  But on the other hand I love to go back and remember certain moments and more importantly to have important moments I know I will soon forget actually etched in a permanent location.  And this blog forces me to do just that.  So I feel like I am limbo.  I will let you all in on a little secret though.  I have been writing some blog entries that have not been published.  Actually a lot of blog entries.  I will publish them.  They will be worth the wait.  But just not at this moment.  So I guess I don't want my readers to leave permanently.  There will be more stories to tell in the future.  But we just are not ready to tell those stories.  I hope someday soon we can tell those stories.  In the meantime ... I think this blog will remain silent for a bit.  It's funny though because I often find myself coming to the blog to read stories of only a few years ago.  These are the stories that make my heart happy.  The stories that make our journey to the boys so very worth it.  So I'm glad it exists.

So I will leave you with this .... a story of our .... THREENAGERs (I swear it's a real thing).

    

Our house is in a permanent state of negotiation.  All day.  Every day.  Yesterday, at 7am, Alex found himself in timeout.  Again.  My precious, adorable, angelic son looks up at me and goes "Mama.  If you put me in timeout again I will slap your butt."  Sigh.  I'm doing a great job parenting!  And also the phrase, "I say YES!" in response to an adamant "NO!" is popular this days.  I think someone needs to reevaluate the term "Terrible Twos" because our 2-year old twins were equivalent to a trip to the beach and now with our 3-year old twins we are on a very long trip to the garbage dump!!!  But we love them like crazy.  It is a good thing they are cute.

So don't go too far.  I will be back.  But with new stories to share.

Mary

wedding pictures

Here are a few pictures from our wedding day!  

Mary

a story about our wedding

** I have some immediate family members that read this blog.  Please DO NOT discuss the below with the parties involved in this story.  PLEASE and THANK YOU!! **

Kara and I had several discussions leading up to the Supreme Court decision in regards to where we were going to get married.  We just assumed we would be married at the courthouse.  Our only hesitation was our strong desire to have Jakob and Alex at our marriage ceremony.  And that led to a subsequent huge hesitation to have the boys exposed to the potential chaos of the courthouse.  We live in a large metropolitan area and the courthouse is overwhelming for even the most weathered of adults.  I have an absolutely amazing relationship with my Aunt J and Uncle J.  Both, despite getting a bit older, are extremely involved in Jakob and Alex's life.  We are so grateful for all they do to love and support our family.  They are advocates for us on a daily basis.  My Uncle J has a tendency to FWD many e-mail messages to me.  I will admit that I often delete these messages without a thought.  I received one such e-mail message a few weeks prior to the Supreme Court decision.  I deleted it.  I went home for the day.  The next day I got this extremely weird urge to go back and pull-up the deleted e-mail message.  It was crazy.  I cannot explain it.  The e-mail message was a newsletter from the church my Uncle J attends in a small town to the near North of our home.  It is a Unitarian Universalist Congregation.  The church was advertising a Same Sex Wedding Day in hopeful anticipation that same sex marriage would become legal in our home state.  The individualized ceremonies would take place on July 4th and they were open to any couple regardless of religious affiliation.  It was PERFECT.  It was a perfect little country church.  Gorgeous.  I sent a few e-mails back and forth with the pastor of the church and soon after Kara and I decided it would be a perfect match.  We told no one of our plans.  We did not tell our family.  We also did not tell the pastor of the church the name of the family member who had passed the information onto us.  We were keeping this marriage a secret.  So fast forward to this evening as I was having a telephone conversation with my Aunt J ... I mentioned that we had set our plans prior to a ruling being made by the Supreme Court.  There were a few weeks of "waiting" in between when we decided to participate in the marriage ceremony at the church and when same sex marriage actually became legal.  My Uncle J was attending weekly services at the church.  He struck up a small conversation with the pastor after the conclusion of the service.  The pastor began to excitedly discuss the potential same sex marriage day and without knowing about the relationship that existed between myself and my Uncle J the pastor began to describe my family to my Uncle J.  She then began to talk, without names, some of the ways in which I described Jakob and Alex in our email conversations.  I was told that my Uncle J ... A quiet man.  A stoic man.  A war veteran.  A lifetime drug and alcohol counselor.  A religious man.  A disciplined man.  A man who can take a lot without it shaking him in the least bit. ... began to cry.  The pastor, of course taken back, immediately asked my Uncle J what was troubling him.  I guess it took a minute but my Uncle J managed to regain his composure and he replied "Are you talking about ...?" and the pastor responded with extreme confusion "Yes.  How did you know that?" to which my amazing Uncle J replied, "You are talking about my niece.  I had no idea she was planning to get married.  I'm just so happy." .... Needless to say I struggled with my composure as my Aunt J relayed that story to me tonight.  I struggle on many days with completely loving myself.  I've come a LONG way but I am still a work in progress.  It is difficult when so much of the world still continues to spill hate about the way God chose to make me.  I am able to block a lot our but on some days a story will get to me.  I struggle with finding a path back to organized religion when, while my relationship with God is such an important part of my life, I grew-up in a faith that continues to speak out against my "sinful" life.  That makes it difficult to work on the self love part.  And it's a life that no one, other than myself and God, actually knows with 100% truth.  I struggle when I have a twin brother who thinks less of me as a person because of my sexuality.  I am an adult.  And I still struggle.  I still fear for so many young people.  So to hear this story.  It makes me feel loved like no other.  I am so grateful to my wonderful family and friends.  And this is a story I want to remember forever.

Mary  

just married

Kara and I were married on July 4th, 2015.  It was perfect!

Mary

still in the closet

June 26, 2015 – A day that changed my life forever.

We all knew that an opinion would be coming from SCOTUS at any day.  I spent the morning of June 26, 2015 much like I had spent the mornings of June 19th, June 22nd, and June 25th.  I sat at my desk and watched the live results on www.SCOTUSblog.com.  I knew arriving on this day that SCOTUS had five remaining opinions to issue prior to the end of the term.  I also knew there was a lot of historical significance to the date of June 26th in regards to same sex marriage.

June 26, 2003 -   Lawrence v. Texas – It was ruled unconstitutional for the state of Texas to enforce a law that made it illegal for two individuals of the same sex to engage in intimate sexual conduct.

June 26, 2013 – United States v. Windsor – The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which held that “marriage” and “spouse” only applied to heterosexual unions was rule to be unconstitutional.

But even with all those factors in play I never believed, in a million years, that the first opinion of the day would be given to Obergefell v. Hodges.  So the moment I saw the below words pop-up on my computer screen I hit the floor …

I thought I was emotionally prepared for this moment.  I had actually played it out over and over again in my head nearly a thousand times.  The same sex marriage movement had come so far in just a short period of time.  Look at these crazy statistics (which I believe are fairly accurate) over only an 12 year period…

2003 - 0 states allow gay marriage
2004 – 1 state allows gay marriage
2008 – 2 states allow gay marriage
2009 – 5 states allow gay marriage
2010 – 5 states allow gay marriage
2011 – 6 states allow gay marriage
2012 – 8 states allow gay marriage
2013 – 18 states allow gay marriage
2014 – 21 states allow gay marriage
2015 – ALL STATES ALLOW GAY MARRIAGE

I had recently started to believe that I would be given, in my lifetime, the ability to marry the love of my life.  I started to have faith.  So even though all the experts were indicating that the Obergefell v. Hodges opinion would go in favor of same sex marriage I kept telling myself that even a ruling in favor of the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals decision would not spell the end of ALL hope for my family.  I told myself that such a decision would just force the voters in the State of Ohio to get a ballot up in a future election to repeal the gay marriage ban passed by the citizens of Ohio in 2004.  But at the actual moment of decision I literally got weak in the knees and hit the floor at my desk.  There was so much riding on this single moment.  It was very reminiscent of watching a scary movie.  I covered my eyes with my hands and peeked through my fingers to watch the results.

And in an instant it popped up on the screen.  A decision had been made in our favor.  I could FINALLY get married.  A step towards full equality.

I was literally shaking uncontrollably from head to toe.  I was sitting on the floor.  I was silently crying into my hands.  I could hear my cell phone vibrating continuously on my desk.  So what did I do?  I let out a small giggle and took a deep breath and sat my ass back down in my chair.  You see … I was at work.

I want to mention before I go on in this blog post that I work for an AMAZING corporation that puts diversity at the forefront of important company issues.  My company actually submitted, in March, a friend-of-the-court brief that argues employers should not have to track the genders of the employees’ spouses for state law purposes and states that refuse to recognize same-sex marriages drive business and job candidates away and create environments that run counter to inclusive corporate cultures.  See?  AMAZING.

I’m out at work.  I’ve been with the same company for 10 years.  I did not come “out” at work until I had been with the company for about 3 years.  And really I only came "out" it became it became too much to “hide” from the people with whom I spend most of my waking hours.  It was getting too difficult to lie.  So I came busting out of the closet.  And I will be honest in the fact that I have never been blatantly discriminated against while on the job.  I am lucky.  But I also know for a fact that many people strongly oppose my “lifestyle” and as such still treat me differently than my heterosexual counterparts.  I have several examples but there is one moment that will ALWAYS stick with me …

If you have a baby in our office it gets announced via company-wide e-mail.  Awesome!  I was especially excited about this because as the mother to premature baby boys I was looking to get all the prayers I could sent in our direction.  I swear to you that each announcement in our office starts with … “XXXX and YYYY welcomed a … “ but my announcement read “Mary welcomed twin boys …”  Sigh.  Where is Kara?  That one hurt.  I actually still carry it with me deep inside as sort of a "grudge" but I swear I'm trying to get over it.

So I’m out at work.  I have a strong inner circle of close friends that truly without a doubt care about my family.  But … Are you straight?  Are you married?  Do you remember the moment you got engaged to the love of your life?  I’m fairly certain it was a joyous moment.  It was probably an announcement that you wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  If a stranger walked by you on the street you probably even wanted to give them a hug and tell them the great news.  That moment I watched that announcement on television was no different.  But there was nothing I could do.  I sat quiet knowing, without a doubt, the negative feedback I would get should I start to scream in excitement.  Could I have celebrated with great enthusiasm?  Of course.  But I didn't because I never want ruffle any feathers.  I never want to draw attention.  I don’t want to give a person a reason to “hate the gays” because of an action I took in a moment of glee.  There is NEVER a day that I don’t think to myself … WATCH WHAT YOU DO MARY.  It’s a reality.  It's even more of a reality now that I have a family to protect.  It’s a reality for so many, not all, of my LGBTQ cohorts.  So am I out?  Yes.  But I'm not.  And that hurts.  It also means that while we have made so much progress in the world of equality we have SO FAR to go.  I want my boys to grow up in a world where it does not matter who they choose to love.  And that there is never a moment where they are uncomfortable in their own skin.  I only hope I'm not doing them a disservice by my many moments of inaction.

But in the meantime, while I wait for that time to arrive, I’ll be over in the corner planning my July 4, 2015 wedding to the love of my life.

Mary

a day

Our views on potty training could be considered a bit lax by a lot of folks.  We decided that we would let the boys tell us when they were ready to get out of diapers with the idea that we would panic only if they were 4 years old and still in diapers.  Our thought was that if the boys were developmentally ready to get out of diapers then potty training would happen fast.  Otherwise we would be faced with an uphill battle and we constantly pick and choose those battles as the parents of twin boys.

So how are we doing?

I can officially declare that Jakob was potty trained in a single day!!!  This little dude has impressed me so much this week.  Jakob, for some reason, asked to wear underwear on Sunday afternoon.  Our motto “ask and you shall receive” went into full effect.  Because one boy asked the question we decided to go ahead and put both boys in underwear.  We then proceeded to clean up accidents for the next 3 hours.  Sigh.  But eventually both boys peed in the potty and off we went for ice cream.  The following morning brought some resistance from Alex.  Jake on the other hand woke-up requesting underwear.  Both boys are still in pull-ups at night.  Our first full day of potty training came with one accident from Jakob and several accidents from Alex.  There were also some episodes of embarrassment from Alex so at the end of Day #1 when Alex requested a diaper we quickly obliged.  He just is not ready and we definitely don’t want potty training to become stressful for Alex.  Jakob on the other hand continued to pee all day with only the occasional reminder.  Day #2 brought no accidents from Jakob and Alex made the decision to stay in diapers.  Day #2 brought Jakob never needing to be reminded to use the bathroom.  WHAT?? He declared his need to pee independently on every occasion.  My favorite comment of the day came on the evening of Day #2 when I mentioned to Jakob and Alex that I had some friends coming over for dinner.  Jakob jumped off of the couch and declared, “Momma I need to go pee before your friends get here.”  SO PROUD!  So our only outstanding issue was pooping on the potty.  We were on Day #2 and Jakob still had not pooped on the potty.  Our little man typically poops everyday so we knew there might be some resistance.  That brings us to Day #3.  I told Kara in the morning that Jakob absolutely needed to poop today.  It guess it was mid-morning when Jakob started the poop dance.  Kara simply continued to encourage Jakob to go poop on the potty amidst the hesitation and resistance.  Kara sat down with Jakob and acknowledged some of his fears after a timid “Mommy I’m scared to poop” came from our sweet boy.   And then in an single instance and with the courage of a championship fighter, Jakob marched into the bathroom, he slammed shut the door and emerged a whooping two minutes later chanting “I POOPED. I POOPED. I POOPED.  WIPE MY BUTT.”  And there you have it folks.  We officially have one twin potty trained!

We will continue to give Alex some time to think through the process.  Perhaps we will try again in about a month.  We know he will get in his own time and on his own accord.  And he will probably be perfect at it from the get go.

Mary